Glasses of Joe

PSU 35 ILL 17

2009-10-07T14:37:00.004-04:00

I was there.

And here are my friends:

Pictured PSU fans (top row, from left to right): Mikey, Zac, Brian, and Kevin.

Pictured PSU fans (bottom row, from left to right): Darren, Richard, Adam, Sameena

Also, a second screenshot:

That's Mike, my roommate on the far right side of the picture.

AND THEY'RE ALL FRIENDS OF MINE, EACH AND EVERY ONE OF THEM, NO BETTER AND NO WORSE.

...And we'll probably end up down there together when it's all over. And that's why we say: B-bay-b-bay-b-bay-b-bay-bay-ba-baby...

Christ, what a trip. 35 hours of total driving, many of which were spent in the RV playing craps and drinking.

This week, PSU is off. Well, for all intents and purposes, they are.

PSU "B" Team: 45

EIU: 6

God, I'm still hurting from last weekend. Hangovers tend to linger as one ages, but this one is ridiculous.

....Wha' happen'd?

2009-10-01T17:34:00.007-04:00

O God. So hungover. Feels like I'm in the " just woke up in the mothership" scene in Fire in the Sky....

What day is it? Thursday? ARE YOU F$%KING KIDDING ME?

Last I remember, PSU was up by 10 on Saturday night. Iowa was reeling under the awesome might of the White Out and my drunken mind-bullets. A victory was assured.

So, like, we won right?......Right? What?

/stares blankly
/eyes dilate

/eyes cross

/shakes head

/opens bottle of Old Granddad

/turns on The Cure

F$%k it. I'm going to Illinois this weekend. Let the blackouts ensue.

Now if I can find a soap that washes away failure and laundry marker, I'll be set.

'Cuse Recap, Iowa Fishin'

2009-09-24T17:38:00.011-04:00

'Cuse Recap
We won. Awesome. The pain has mostly subsided, and the preseason is over. Let the real season begin.

F$%kin' Iowa, Man

Remember last year when we pantsed OSU on national TV, and then went undefeated coming into Kinnick Stadium? Remember how Iowa had lost to Pitt that season, but had started looking competent the previous week? Remember how that game ended on that cold afternoon? You don't?, Here's a quick reminder:

Look at it. I SAID F%^KING LOOK AT IT. DO YOU SEE? Now don't look. NOW LOOK BELOW:

To say the least, last year's matchup was disappointing. The weather sucked, PSU forgot the sideline heaters, and opted to pass into the wind 3 times on it's opening possession. PSU had multiple chances to put this game away in the first half, but kept coming up with field goals. And then Iowa realized that they weren't the team who lost to Pitt. Or something.

I was so depressed after this game that I spent $250 on dinner for me and the ex at the Capital Grille.

But all that is done with. Iowa has been owning our collective keister's now for the better part of the past 10 months, and it ends on Saturday.

Preview
Iowa started the year with a near bedshitting to Northern Iowa. I watched. This wasn't the Iowa team that dominated the backstretch of their schedule and postseason. This was the Iowa team that lost to Pitt. They won on two FG blocks at the end of regulation. The skin of their teeth, indeed.

No, I say throw that game out. The Iowa team that rolls into town on Saturday is the one that blew out Arizona and Iowa state. Let's take a look at the relevant stats from Iowa's two games vs. PSU's season:

Offense
(all stats from ESPN, BSD, and big12sports.com)

Statistic (units) : Iowa/ PSU

Rush (yds/game) : 162/ 133.3

Pass (yds/game) : 220/ 264.0

PPG : 31/ 30.0

Sacks (allowed/game) : 2.0/ 1.67

Turnovers (lost/game): 1.5/ 2.0

Defense

Pass (yds/game) : 109.0/ 166.0

Rush (yds/game) : 149.0/ 46.3

Turnovers (rec'vrd/game) : 3.5/ 1.33

Sacks (inflicted/game) : 1.0/ 3.33

PPG : 10.0/ 6.67

For a PSU victory:
PSU needs to limit the turnovers, run the ball, and wreak havoc in the Iowa backfield. Earth-shattering, eh?

For an Iowa Victory:
Keep picking off Clark, stack the line, and dominate special teams.

Other stuff:
Sean Lee is out for the week. Ouch. He would have a field day, considering Iowa dominating LT Bryan Beluga is on the mend.

The good news? Navarro Bowman is back from his groin issues, so that sheds some of the Lee injury evil mojo. But not all.

Other bad news includes Stupar tweaked his ankle in practice this week. I would feel much better with him in the lineup this week.

Intangibles:
PSU has them all-a home game, at night, revenge, and the whiteout. Plus, I heard Stanzi called Jack Crawford's mother a "stink pig".

Final Thoughts:
I have no problems with the PSU offense in this game. However, I do have issues with the defense, the onus of which will be on the defensive line. The tackles have to make up for Lee's presence (or lack thereof), and must get some heat on on Stanzi. The line can handle Iowa's running game, it's just I fear that PSU goes into the dreaded "rush four tired lineman late in the game, back the corners off" EPIC FAIL gameplan. We saw how that ended last year. Rush 4 with a "joker" LB shooting the gaps. Their armor is weak on the left side, and that's where the first point of attack should be. Above all else, exploit the mismatches created by the inexperienced Beluga replacement.

Iowa 13

PSU 20

Let's Go Fishing
Iowa reminds me of the King Mackerel, aka the "Kingfish"

Noted parallels include:

The kingfish has one hell of a bite, and will make you work for a victory. Any weakness in skill will be exploited. Ditto Iowa.
The kingfish is higher in the food chain in its realm. The same can be said for Iowa to this point in our schedule.
I usually haul 2 out of every 8 hits in. Kind of like the success rate of PSU vs. Iowa.
They are a very striking looking fish-the above picture does no justice to it's rather distinct appearance in blue waters. I've always liked Iowa's uniforms.
Thoroughly enjoyable to fight and land. Best consumed when smoked. Just like Iowa.
Children and pregnant women should stay away from both of them due to high mercury content.

Recently, I haven't caught many. When I do, yer for damn sure I light up afterwords.

Trap Game?

Meh, it already happened last night with Ole Miss.

'Cuse Recap, Temple Fishing

2009-09-17T11:13:00.010-04:00

The Pain remains. In fact, in some aspects, it's actually a little worse. What I saw in the Syracuse game was a sincere effort to run between the tackles, only to have Syracuse repeatedly stack the line. At one point, PSU even decided to swap the tackles out for underclassmen. The effects were negligible.

I have no idea what's wrong here. Conspiracy theorists say we are waiting for the B10 schedule to start, and then the Lions unleash the Kraken. I say nuts to that. It's Akron and Syracuse. We should be torching these guys. Unless, of course, by "Kraken", one means "Navarro Bowman".

Then again, the rational side of me says that on every running down, Akron and Syracuse were putting 6 on the line to clog the middle. This seems more plausible, and would explain why Clarke can hit his receivers with ease. I'd like to think it's because Clark is proficient at his job.

Nevertheless, the game balls go to:

Zug and Moye. Hands like Velcro. Gonna get Clark paid next year.
Sean Lee. No explanation necessary.
Jeremy Boone. Boomin' punts at 50 yds/per.

Was going to hand one out to Quarless for solid play, but then he went and did this...... Just when he shows signs of improvement, he has to remind us of why he screwed up the last 2 years of his life.

Gone Fishin'

So for the third scrimmage, these chumps come to town. They're not that good. They have this weird tendency to lose games on the last play. They are from the badlands in Philadelphia. Only one fish comes to mind:

The Flounder

Noted parallels include:

Early in their life cycle, they look normal. As they progress, their one eye migrates, and the result is that ugly bastard above. Just like a Temple game. Starts off alright, and then, well, the above is an appropriate metaphor.
A flounder is also known as a "Fluke". See above noted Temple game endings.
At this point in evolution, the flounder isn't really that ferocious of a predator. Either is Temple, but they have potential.
Are found inland. So is Temple.
Only defense is to blend in. If they fail, they die. Have you ever been to Temple's campus? At night?
Easy to catch. And throw a bunch of crabs on top just to see what happens. Just like Bill Cosby. End analogy.

Really, at this point, I have confidence in every facet of the PSU game, except for the above noted deficiency. If PSU can break 150 yds on the ground, I will have considered it a step in the right direction.

Temple 3

PSU 31

Moving on.....
Part of me screaming "BOISE AT FRESNO BOISE AT FRESNO". Nah, even though I don't like Boise too much. Cal at Minnesota? No, but kudos for the good OOC scheduling. Let's go for USC at Washington. Why? USC always has one bad loss per season, and it usually is on the road. They are a little dinged from OSU. So screw them.

'Cuse

2009-09-11T13:46:00.006-04:00

If you haven't read BSD's review of the history between Syracuse and PSU, please do so (click nyaw and nyaw). I'll wait....

Truly inspiring. Syracuse really needs to attain competancy in football again. The spite born in the Harding administration must be rekindled. I cannot think of a more approprate team that we could consider to be our "rival". I would drop kick a nun just for an oppurtunity to be at the 1955 game. The Lenny Moore-Jim Brown dual must be on constant loop on cable in heaven.

And there would be more here, but the computer just ate the rest of my post.

Syracuse 13
PSU 41

PSU 31 Akron 7

2009-09-09T18:22:00.010-04:00

Welcome back, Joe

Well, I was going to watch the game which was supposedly DVR'd, but the TV listings provided by Verizon are inaccurate at best. What I got was the Iowa game. So this recap is based on misdirection and Guinness-soaked memories from a Juno Beach bar. And being a Philly fan, it's only pertinent I begin with the negatives*.

The body has a weird way of dealing with pain. One example of the brain's gating mechanism when confronted with severe pain is displayed in the House episode "Detox". House performs necessary masochism to erase the physical side effects of Vicodin withdrawal. He does this by taking a pestle and smashing it directly into his fingers, breaking them. Thus, House's brain only registered the pain coming from his hand, and not the soul-eating sensations of withdrawal. Crude, yes, but then again, it worked, didn't it? I laughed. Now come back to last Saturday's game.

PSU was supposed to have a bunch of glaring deficiencies. I saw a few of note; the kicker was inconsistent, both TEs were poor in blocking, etc. All of these can be worked on and corrected over the next scrimmage or two. Enter the pain analogy.

Nothing seemed more out of place then the running game. There were numerous occasions where the OL was whiffing on assignments, guards were late in pulling, and so forth. And that's not to place all blame on the men with no necks; Royster was making too many moves behind the LOS, and Green just couldn't get his timing down. I understand that new OLs take time to gel, but at times the unit just looked incompetent. The line looked more than adequate in pass protection, which I always presumed to be the tougher of the two options.

Akron had one of the worst rushing defenses in all D-I last year, and I highly doubt they get their shit together in the ten months or so from their last game. In their first game of the year. On the road. Against Penn State. Alarms are going off here.

So yeah, I care not about the little problems. It's that significant pain the rushing game that has my immediate attention.

Then again, it's just the first game; how much do we really know about a team after one game? I probably am overreacting, and we all know how House feels about this.

So yeah, game balls go to:

Darryl Clark
Derrick Moye
Chaz Powell
Every DT
Stuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuper
Devon Smith - because we all root for the little guy. It's the American way, you commie pimp.

*segue not included

Gone Fishin' (Akron)

2009-09-02T11:01:00.013-04:00

Most other blogs are giving detailed analysis of the Zips right now. You will not get that here. Instead, please read the following:

A few years ago, I went deep-sea fishing off the shores of Juno Beach. It was addicting. Like jamming-your-head-in-a-bag-full-baldness-curing-crack addicting.

Sometimes one snags a leviathan. The rod bows to the ocean, one is jerked toward the rail. The reel squeals its alarm, and the fight is on. It can take seemingly eons of back breaking reeling, releasing, and reeling again just to bring the fish near the boat. The arms cramp, the hands are screaming just to let go. In the fit of all this mayhem, one still needs to concentrate.

It's almost euphoric the feeling of finally gaffing and landing a real fighter. When the fish is in the deck cooler, and one finally has straightened out one's digits, the world just seems lighter.

Sometimes the fish gets away. It can be due to the incompetence of others, random luck, lack of experience, or being just straight beat by a superior being. And when any of this happens, it can be a bit of a letdown. Still, there is always hope for redemption; grab some bait, re-rig the line, and cast again.

Even if I don't catch anything worth keeping, it is still just satisfying to get out there and fight with the sea creatures. Afterwords, at the Square Grouper, everyone feels like a winner. The feeling increased after every round of drinks consumed.

In some ways, the same can be said for college football.

We all know its inherent addictive powers. Regardless of who PSU plays, I think we can all agree that at the beginning of the season, we are just happy to be here. As the season starts, we all have dreams of PSU football destroying OSU at home, TCOB in Ann Arbor, or even a major bowl victory against a traditional BCS powerhouse. We pray there will be no game which ends in "the one that got away" due to our own incompetence, said random luck, or being just plain outplayed. Every week, the anticipation of The Game leads up to relative milliseconds of sheer havoc, terror, bliss, and hopefully triumph.

At the end of the day, we all end up at the Grouper. And while we're at it, we may even have a tale or two to spin about how we won against that trophy fish.

And it's now within our grasp. It's 6 AM on Saturday. We've got our gear. We've got sandwiches, beer, and are walking down the dock. Our tickets are punched, our spots on deck are assured, and I spy calm seas. Now lower that fucking gangplank and let us aboard.

AKRON

So this is PSU's first game of the year. It's not a bad choice given the cupcake pool. The best comparison I can draw between Akron and fishing is the Atlantic Bonito:

Usually the first animal to strike my line in the morning. They hit hard, and tendencies include running aimlessly all over creation. Also, they can be relatively difficult to land in the beginning. Usually they quit fighting after about 5-10 minutes. Hopefully, just like Akron.

They are an impressive fish to look at. However, it's oily, dark meat is unpalatable (the Cubans love'em though). Upon looking at the last sentence, it appears there might be some non-hetero racism there. Nope, this paragraph is not part of the analogy. Nothing to see here. Move along.

Uses include carving up for bait, and for tourists seeking a sense of accomplishment.

Still, they are fun to catch and promptly smack over the head with a paddle. and I'm sure the football players agree.

Expectations

Realistically, I am just looking at this game to see how apparent our team shortcomings are. This includes:

Will the secondary hold up against a semblance of a passing game?
Will the DL be strong or weak?
Will there be any chemistry between Clark and the green WR corps?
Will Josh Hull show improvement from last year?

As you can see, my concerns really lie within the defense. Which is weird, being that THIS IS LBU. Still, graduation, transfers, and injuries IMO have greatly depleted the defense.

Really, I just want to see competency on both sides of the ball, and no injuries.

Akron: 10

PSU: 40

One More Thing...

This one's a no-brainer: Nevada vs (23) Notre Dame. Reasons:

Fuck Notre Dame.
Fuck Jimmah Clausen. I hope he gets the Feline Aids.
One would think the majority of their fan base would have some kind of humility after this past decade of failure. Nope. Fuck them, and the world grows stronger at Chuck Weis crying into his fat tits.

No, really, this week's award is presented just based on my spiteful and inane bias. Hell, nobody really knows how teams are shaping up until 5 weeks or so into the schedule anyway.

Final Notes

A tip of the cap this week goes to TOSU, and their plans to give the Navy Midshipmen a standing O when they enter the 'shoe. Class exemplified (unlike my ND rant above). Rutgers, take notes.

Oops....

2009-08-29T13:29:00.003-04:00

"Temple: I Don't feel good about this one. Al Golden knows our program, which means he knows how to exploit the weaknesses of the program. Namely, that our MLBs tend to have weak knees. Sean Lee, watch your ass." (see below).

Note that it was ILB, not MLB. But yeah, no more negative predictions.

PSU's Tough Schedule

2009-08-07T14:26:00.005-04:00

There has been much harrumphing around the blognets regarding PSU's seemingly saccharine-fueled OOC schedule (e.g. click nyaw, nyaw, or nyaw). Bosh and bunk, says I. PSU has one of the most grueling OOC schedules I have ever witnessed. Let's take a look:

Akron
For the opening game of the season, we get to play these guys. Awesome. I don't know what the hell a "Zip" is, and the thought of playing more than one "Zip" does not sit well with me.

That, and "Zip" is traditionally a verb. It can also be an onomatopoeia, but never a noun. THESE PEOPLE CAN CHANGE SYNTAX AT WILL.

Worse yet, it's at home.

So who likes letting unknown grammar freaks into their home to start the season? Nobody, that's who.

Syracuse
Pure nightmare fuel-
It looks like the whammy ate too many carrots. And is pointing at me. Let's move on.

Temple
Don't feel good about this one. Al Golden knows our program, which means he knows how to exploit the weaknesses of the program. Namely, that our MLBs tend to have weak knees. Sean Lee, watch your ass.

Eastern Illinois
Of all the matchups, this one gives me the most frequent and intense night-terrors. Put simply, nobody has any film on these guys. Which means no scouting and lack of preparation. Look what happens in major league baseball when the opposition has no read on the starting pitcher. Many a time the game ends up in favor of the unknown.

In Eastern Illinois' case, there is more than one pitcher, which exponentially increases the variables that can lead to mind-altering upsets.

We really just have to play our game, and hope for the best. Gulp.

Recap
So PSU has lost its secondary, restructured its starting OL, is breaking in a new FB, and lost the immortal starting WRs that led it to prominence. Compile that with having to deal with an incredible amount of erratic teams, half of which we know nothing about, and there is a possibility we could lose some starters due to injury.

I'll be happy to come away from the OOC opponents with two victories and a semi-healthy team.

So go ahead, you Virginia Techs and Ohio State's of the world. Schedule the traditional "contenders", and "teams with actual talent". I will take them any day over what PSU is going to put us through in those 4 weekends.

New Poll Up

2009-08-05T18:12:00.001-04:00

Look right. I SAID LOOK RIGHT.

Posting Cancelled

2009-07-30T19:53:00.003-04:00

I was going to start the debate about which member of the PSU football team would win in a drinking contest vs. the others.

Then ol' McDonald got his drink on...

Then Poti said "second string can do better"....

Then Glenn Carson showed what the incoming freshmen are capable of.

So yeah, these guys can put'em down. Just got to work on the whole thinking process.

Next contest: who can have the most sacks in the OSU game.

PSU Campus Riots (Again)

2009-07-15T16:37:00.004-04:00

(State College, PA) The tranquil mountain summer of State College was again broken by the sounds of shattered glass as thousands of students took to the streets to vent their anger and frustration with their administration.

While these booze fueled mobs are usually synonymous with Arts Fest, this year it was different. This year, the PSU football coaches had the temerity to go and offer another high school quarterback a scholarship. And on July 10, the news broke: he accepted.

Robert Boldin is now the newest PSU recruit to verbal. He will be joining Paul Jones, another coveted QB, in what is shaping up to be one of the most impressive recruiting classes ever seen in Happy Valley.

Kevin Draper, (6th year senior, liberal arts) was one of the first to vent his frustration:

"It's like Fall of 2005 all over, man. Back then, we were coming off of a 4-7 season, Joe would do nothing about the current state of the program we cherish. I mean, my parents had to shell out $140 on freshman season tickets, and, like, he only had gotten one real recruit that year. So yeah, me and my roomate decided to go to his house that August and let him know how we felt. He kicked us off the lawn. This is exactly the same thing; Joe is letting us down again by stockpiling talent at one position when scholorships can be used to fill in other positions."

I then reminded Kevin that competition is good, PSU is getting monster recruits, and is looking to go to the Rose Bowl, or maybe go all the way. The delayed response I got was "FUCKING PIGS WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORIIIIIIIIIOTTTTTTTTT!!!!" Kevin was then mercifully pepper sprayed and detained by State College police.

Steve Head (junior, astronomy) echoed the sentiment of the crowd:

"The FUCK, MAN? We got Jones and Newsome, but now we get another awesome quarterback? What is wrong with the coaches? It's like, there is such a thing as having too much talent at one position. Ideally you actually want a top qb pick every other year so that you don't have a bunch of top talent guys receiving scholarships who are riding the pine. Additionally, it gives your number one the playing time he needs to mature into his position, like Morel.......PIIIIIIIIIGSSSSSSSSS FUCKIN' PIGGGGGGGSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS"

Steve then threw a garbage can through a window and then urinated in the street before being chased by the authorities.

-JD
11 July 2009

ZZZZZZZZ........huh?

2009-07-09T15:15:00.007-04:00

Something woke me up.

Well, as long as I'm awake, might as well kick off the new season with.......

Know Your Lions

You know the rules. Today's topic is the one Sean Lee.

Note to OSU Fans: This is a solo tackle. These are important to LBs. Much more important than being the last person in on a gang tackle.

We all know Sean as the leader of LBU. Here is what you don't know*:

Nickname #1: "Spinal Cracka'". Given to him by Lavar Arrington and Navarro Bowman after one particular intense practice/drinking session.
Nickname #2: "General Lee". Dislikes the term because it's just too easy, and that Generals only fight from the sidelines.
Knee ligaments surgically repaired using Dick Butkis' mustache trimmings.
Sleeps with a teddy bear made out of razor wire.
Despite claims to the contrary, was the real winner of the past Iranian election. Hence, the riots. Al-Jezeera will deny this.
Hates the color blue.
Is color blind.
JoePa decreed that Sean can never be the "asshole" in said drinking game. Interestingly enough, Sean will still always finish his beer in polite fashion if told to do so for skipping a higher ranking member. Because thems the rules.
Incapable of saying the word "I".

There ya go. Know Sean. Love Sean. Now sit back and enjoy the havoc he hath wrought.

*cause I fabricated it.

Closed for Winter

2009-02-13T17:56:00.003-05:00

...See you after the Draft/B&W.

Sorry

2009-02-03T16:09:00.003-05:00

The entire month of January was basically being spent at work. This is what happens when work backs up, your parents move to Florida, and you have to take extended time off.

That and you are pathologically lazy.

The good news is that I don't think anyone important noticed the layoff.....

Know Your Lions

2008-12-06T13:00:00.005-05:00

As previously stated, it's very easy to watch PSU football, get lost in the game, and merely look at our players as athletic pawns in a college system. This cannot happen. These boys that lock it up for our entertainment every weekend are real kids. They have back stories, most of them far more colorful than the humble jerseys they don. It's just a shame that most of us will never get so much as a glimpse into their personal lives. This segment delves into a selected player's personal life to show us a little more of the person, and less of the athlete.

The next player in the queue for this feature is Josh Gaines.

Trust me on this: He is much wider than you think.

What you didn't know about #47*:

Recognized by Guinness as the record holder of world's largest "sausage fingers".
Despite the name "Josh", is not actually Jewish.
Ate a brick.
Most hated castaway was Gilligan. Because no matter what happened, Gilligan had FAIL written all over him. Much like certain ex-QBs of similar physical stature.
Still wakes up crying over homeless dog his parents wouldn't let him keep when he was 10 years old, at mile marker 172 in South Carolina off of I-95.
Has never shaved (his face).
Holds PSU record for "Most Kickers Stuffed into the Trunk of Josh Gaines' Car".
Refuses to play "Guitar Hero". Believes it's downright sinful to believe you are playing an actual instrument, when, in reality, you are just pushing any combination of 5 buttons. This does not impress Josh**.
Earned the nickname "Robot Ham". His teammates won't say how.

So there ya go. If you have any further info on young Josh, feel free to leave it in the comments.

*because I made it up
**or because he can't play due to said "sausage fingers"

BIG TEN CHAMPIONS

2008-11-24T09:53:00.006-05:00

So yeah, I was close in my predictions. Kind of. Well, maybe not. OK Kreskin, anyone who knew PSU was going to hang 49 on MSU, raise your hands. Didn't think so.

PSU came out sharp, executed, and kept those green helmets spinning all day long. I cannot remember a senior day where the seniors contributed so much. I am going to miss these guys next year, especially the receiving corps. Conversely, Odrick announced he is coming back, so look forward to another season of me slobbering all over him. Let's just hope Maybin does likewise.

Lastly, anyone know what Dantonio was doing taking two timeouts in the final minute of the game? Was it a protest? I don't get it.

Other Notes from the Weekend:

Notre Dame's loss further proves Whitlock 's theorem. And also breaks the NCAA record for schadenfreude, formerly set by this game. ND has now had top-10 recruiting classes for the past 3-4 years. How in the hell can they keep this recruiting pace when they continually lose to inferior teams?
Texas Tech provided a bizarro-PSU clinic on how to tackle. What I saw was horrible pursuit angles, arm tackles, and absolutely no heart in their drubbing. Congrats, Oklahoma.
Before last weekend, I was a little torn on who I would want to face in the Rose Bowl. On the one hand, OreSU would be a game I know we could win, albeit a closer game than what occurred last September. On the other, I hate USC, and their failure to reach the Rose Bowl in such a lackluster conference would be of great insult to them. I am slightly leaning toward USC, even though it is a defacto home game for them. Given the results of Saturday, I say bring on the Trojans.

...and Spartans on Attack

2008-11-19T10:19:00.014-05:00

This week a monstrosity returns to State College:

If ever there was a metaphor for a made up rivalry, it is embodied by the above. I don't want this doctored up file cabinet in the trophy case, and neither should Joe. My guess is that's why we let up a 17 point lead last year in the 4th quarter. Sure, that's the reason.

Playing Sparty at the end of the season is just that; a marker for season's end. There is no glitz of your typical rivalry games, e.g. Michigan vs. OSU. Hell, even this year I would rather be Michigan just for the chance to end our season with a hated rival. And that's the definition of "hyperbole".

Look, if you want to end the season with a bang, don't play for office furniture. A fitting end to this game would be rather ECW-ish. Quite simply, a ladder is placed at the 50 yard line in Beaver Stadium. Jared Odrick launches himself onto the trophy. The MSU and PSU seniors join each other afterwords for a sledgehammer party on the remnants. The splinters are then taken to Canada and buried. And we all do shots.

I would be satisfied.

This season, the game actually means something, but we all know it's an anomaly. For the most part, unless the above is happening or LJ is breaking 2000 yards for the season, the game is meh. Let's make this game worth something. I propose the following trophies/obligations the game should carry with it.

1) Joe's glasses:

He is arguably the most respected college football coach. His image is the personification of PSU football. I would kick a rabid tiger in the balls to keep the glasses where they are. And so would you.

2) Sparty's shield, sword, or helmet.

And yes, I know Sparty traditionally does not carry a sword or shield, but both would be easily recognizable representations of MSU tradition. Plus, any of the above would look totally boss hanging in Beaver stadium. Alternatively, the Spartan crest on the MSU Helmet could come off, which holds great double entendre. Too much? Maybe. But then again, scroll up to see what we are currently playing for.

3) The Lion's Tail

Bear with me here; I know it looks like the Lion is dropping a 2. Losing the last game of the season means that for PSU football games the following year the Lion will go tailless.

Like I said, these are a few ideas that would at least make the game more meaningful in off years. Personally, I really don't know what the Spartan's hold dear and could offer to the matchup, which kind of proves my point.

Sigh...I have a bad feeling about this game regardless. PSU has not lost a game to Sparty at home since joing the Big11 10, but that might change on Saturday. As of late, PSU has been starting out too slow, and the offensive line just has been steadily regressing as the season has progressed. MSU wins because:

Josh Hull is slow
Odrick, Maybin et. al keep getting raped at the LOS
We don't dedicate ourselves to stopping Ringer
We don't put pressure on the QB on obvious passing situations
Clark plays too tight

MSU 27
PSU 20

EDIT: The Nittany Turkey outdid me, and for that, I hoist my jug of corn whiskey to him. Peep this:

"Wait! I’m getting an inspiration here! After I had my hip replacement surgery, I often wondered what the hospital did with the sawn-off top of my femur. I speculated on whether the surgeon took it home for his dog to gnaw on, or whatever. With Joe’s THR imminent and with it being inextricably associated with the MSU game, perhaps such clashes in the future can be played for “JoePa’s Bone”!"

Genius? Genius.

Indiana has Its Hoosiers

2008-11-15T10:30:00.005-05:00

It's very simple. They are not good. We are playing at home. If PSU comes out less than ready for some angry homicide, I will have lost some faith in the senior leadership on this team.

Unleash the HD!!!!!

Indiana - 13
PSU - 48

I turned 29 on Thursday. Again. Every time I turn 29 it hurts just a little bit more. The communion I go through every Saturday with PSU brings me back to younger days, and the pain of age goes away. I can drink whiskey with impunity. I can smoke 300 packs of cigarettes. I can play 80 minutes of MARFU rugby. I can go an entire tailgate without using the port-o-johns. These are but a small few of the feats I am fully capable of on gameday.

Enjoy the game, and LET'S GO STATE.

What Now?

2008-11-12T16:47:00.004-05:00

Is this us?

Galen over at TNL is echoing a theme common in the PSU community right now. To give up. The sense of loss and despair from Saturday's upset (ed-great adjective and metaphor) has lowered him to such basement levels of anger and self-abuse that he has sworn off PSU football for the year.

This cannot happen. Not now. Not ever. Galen and Nick do great work for the PSU community, and if half the symbiotic relationship were to quit functioning, the site would cease to have the impact that it currently has.

I don't like the New York Giants. Never have. But Fassel did have one great quote:

"This is a poker game here and I'm shoving my chips to the center of the table. I'm raising the stakes. That's the game and anybody who wants in can play. But I'm upping the ante.''

While I do realize that in professional football, you just have to make it to the playoffs to have a shot at the championship, the quote in itself is pretty inspiring. The message should be evident. Ante up or get out. We have the 6-7 months of non-PSU football to argue about what happened last weekend.

The Aftermath

2008-11-09T12:14:00.004-05:00

I have been walking on clouds since the Phillies won the World Series. Not much matterred. Eagles? Meh. Flyers? Meh. PSU facing 3 teams we should beat? No problem. O wait....

PSU 23
Iowa 24

My congratulations to the Iowa Hawkeyes. We made mistakes, they capitalized. We coached poorly, they did not*. They executed in the redzone, we had drives that stalled.

Quick Thoughts

Hull and Quarless should be sitting until the end of the MSU game. That kind of play by both of them is inexcusable.
Our OL was extremely bipolar.
Green and Royster played well.
The second TD was Rubin's fault.
I have been screaming this all year: if you are playing against a horrible QB, and it's 3rd and long, rush more than 4. You have to.
Odrick was a beast all the live-long day.
Norwood dropped an easy pass for first down. This is the second game this year he dropped a very easy pass for first down. I hope he doesn't lose confidence.
Bowman had an outstanding day. The guy is everywhere. And he stopped Shonn Greene dead on one play with a pure form tackle.
I put this one more on the coaches than I do the players.

Again, props to Iowa. And I think I might be in love with Mitch King.

/blocking out 1999 in my head for the rest of the week.

*Except for when D. Williams lined up in shotgun.

Iowa (quickly)

2008-11-08T09:51:00.004-05:00

Iowa 7
PSU 31

It's close early. PSU pulls away in the second half. Royster, Green, and Clark combine for 250 on the ground.

Today's preview is brought to you to courtesy of my brothers of ME-TAL

Let us drink to the power

Drink to the sound

Thunder and metal

Are shaking the ground

J Leman trembles in awe and ecstasy of such powerful lyrics.

2008-10-30T10:14:00.004-04:00

PHILLS WIN!!!

I don't remember the '83 NBA championship, although I do remember the players. I vaguely remember the 1980 World Series. Believe it or not, I wasn't alive for the Flyers' Stanley Cup win in '75. I will always remember and cherish this. And now the spending spree.

And for those PSU alums who were also Pittsburgh fans at the end of the bar, I heard your boos and was immune. You graduated. Grow the fuck up.

For the Mets fan (not Adam, but thanks anyway) who turned around to congratulate me, thank you. Way to humbly represent your fan base. The savages mentioned above could learn a thing or three on how to keep one's dignity.

Back to football.....

Thoughts for the Bye Week

This bye week for PSU could not come at a better time. The month of October represented the harshest month in the schedule for the Lions. These past 4 wins have taken its toll physically and mentally on the players and fans. If there was to be a "letdown" game for the Lions, surely it was to come the week after a win in Columbus. Especially if they had to play the surprisingly dangerous Iowa squad.

Personally, I needed the week off. I am going to watch some non-PSU football and relax. On Sunday I will start dealing with Iowa, and not before. I would hope that is what the players are doing as well.

Mahalo.

PSU 13, OSU 6

2008-10-27T13:23:00.008-04:00

What...A...Game. I wrote after the Michigan game that "Some say that this only makes us stronger. I say bullshit-adversity is faced against good teams in dire situations. When this kind of adversity is overcome, the team gets confidence. " Saturday night is exactly what I was talking about.

So there I sat on the evening before gametime. I had a dual TV setup (went with the PSU game on the HD), my laptop humming along so I could drunkenly post on BSD, and a whole motley of remote controls to various electronic means for enteratainment. I'm pretty sure it was a sin. But I don't care. Nothing was ruining this for me. No distractions. I was watching this game on my terms. And I would do it all over again, provided I did not have tickets to the actual game. Selfish? Definately, but I did not want inferior viewing of the game at a bar, lines etc.

Wow. After I typed the above, I noticed something. That is freakin' weak.

Onto the recap...

PSU Notes

Both lines were immune from penalties. No, wait, let's try that again. PSU had a few non-calls (Royster on a screen in the 2nd-I think Ohrnberger got away with one there), but the OSU OL was straight mugging the PSU DL. Examples-Odrick was held thrice, the third most frustrating because he had Pryor in his sites. I'm not saying he would have caught Pryor, but the forcefull hand placed inside Odrick's shoulder pads spun him sideways. And when you twist a 6'5" DT sideways with one hand, it looks pretty damning. The second person to get 'jobbed was Maybin; he was forcing Pryor's decision making all night, and at the crucial moment (which lead to the INT, and ultimately the game), Maybin was tackled while rushing. If that play went otherwise, you could bet there would be a new Dick Honig All-Star nominee.
ZUG? ZUG. ZUG. ZUG. ZUG. ZUG. ZUG.
Did anyone notice Shipley diagnosing Clark's concussed status with his fingers? After Clark's initial frustration, he quickly reverted to a leader and cheered his team on. Leader's do not do the former, but the latter. Call it a push.
Bowman>>>>>>>Laurinitis.
All night long, the defense was flocking to the ball. Know when the run defense is doing its job? When the RB isn't falling forward for the extra yard. Wells always had one person in front of him to make the stop, and 2-3 others to drive him backward.
Royster made some weird decisions. In the second quarter, with PSU in the redzone, a middle screen was called. He followed his blockers to the second level, where it appeared to me that he would have more than enough leverage for the first. He had 600-700 lbs. of PSU OL grade beef trucking downfield to block, but he elected to go laterally. Bad move. He as he tried to turn the corner, he was blindsided. This could have lead to a fumble. It didn't, but you catch my drift.
From the opening whistle, Rubin was everywhere. His defensive prowess can be exemplified thussly:

Noooooooooooooooo

Tyrell

OSU

possession

Bowman came up with the ball, and you know the rest.

PSU played brilliantly on defense, and the offense made some plays. Tresselball? Nope, Paternoball. And it worked.

I would be remiss if I didn't give OSU some props. They played one hell of a game.

OSU Notes

Terrelle Pryor is going to be everything that was expected of him. We wanted him to throw. Pryor, with the help of some motivated receivers, made some very spectacular plays. He finished with 226 yards, a personal best. I would not criticize him for trying to bounce outside and making a play. He took the weight of all OSU hopes on his shoulders and almost single-handed beat the #3 team in the nation. As an 18-year-old.
OSU has some damn fine corners (when they weren't getting flagged), and their DL put pressure on Clark all night. Especially Gibson. The one time they let Clark breathe, the Clark to Zug combo burned them.

Quote of the Game:

"I looked at Ohrnberger in the fourth quarter and he looked back at me. And we said, 'We're not losing this game.' " - A.Q. Shipley (seen below)

Other than the above, all I have left to say is that I am extremely proud to be a PSU fan. And so help them God, if these kids get in trouble "relaxing" in their bye-week, the backlash will be hell-sent.

The Ohio State Has Their Buckeyes...

2008-10-24T17:01:00.007-04:00

Crikey. At the beginning of the year, most of us had the Lions with a loss at this point in the season. Now we roll into Columbus for a night game at the 'Shoe, ranked #3 with national championship aspirations. I don't even play for either team, and am incredibly nervous already. I can only imagine how the starters feel. But hey, that's why OSU players get payed the big bucks (ed-bad puns and hate already flowing), eh?

Reasons why we can win in Columbus:
1) Pryor can't pass the ball. Yet.
2) Bradley has scouted Pryor for the past 3 years in Jeannette, and was the lead recruiter on him.
3) When the PSU run is stopped, we can pass. If the pass isn't working, we can run.
4) While the OSU defense is arguably the best in the Big10 11(especially their corners), they are VERY soft over the middle.
5) Tressel cannot vary his offensive strategy too much on a game-to-game basis.

Reasons we can lose:
1) PSU comes out flat, like they have in the past few games.
2) PSU rushes 4 the entire game. We did this last year and got picked apart (not likely, given #1 under why we win). Same with Michigan last week.
3) Hull and Sales start and remain in the game.

So its very simple (kinda); on defense, rush 5-6 on every play, keep Wells and Pryor contained. I don't even care if we get burned by Pryor in the air on a few plays. He will f up. For proof, look how Wisconsin played him. Granted, Pryor finally broke through at the end, but the lessen should have been learned from tape of said game.

On offense, go deep early, and crack the secondary. Clark cannot fumble the ball. Our most consistent running play for the year is off right tackle. Keep pounding it there.

Actually, that was the game plan for PSU going into Madison.

Music I'm using to get my head right before game:

I'm old. let's go old school with some MAARS. Because MAARS needs women.

The enginerd in me just squealed a little. Hell, might as well keep going with that late 80's/early 90's goodness. That's Eric B and Rakim, bitches.....

...and then Big Daddy Kane. Yes, the "Juice" soundtrack was one of the best ever. So was "Purple Rain". What of it?

And yes, I am aware that I might be the whitest man ever.

PSU 27
OSU 20

Michigan Recap

2008-10-20T13:55:00.009-04:00

The Good(for the entire game)

Evan Royster: 17 car, 174 yds, 1 TD
Deon Butler: 8 rec, 105 yds
Jeremy Boone: 3 punts, 134 yds, 44.7 ypp

The Bad

There was nobody who played bad overall for PSU. There was just....

The Ugly

The above pic is a metaphor for the way PSU came out, and that's just because I couldn't find a picture of the first snap sailing over Clark's head. We come out flat, let the other team hang around, and then started playing. Some say that this only makes us stronger. I say bullshit-adversity is faced against good teams in dire situations. When this kind of adversity is overcome, the team gets confidence.

We (the royal we), however, created our own problems by taking 1.5 quarters of vacation. This trend is unsettling, and has happened in too many games played this year.

Other than the offensive miscues (pun intended), WTF was going on with the defense? Every running play, and thus 95% of all plays which were executed by the Michigan offense, were inside the tackles. Yet we backed off, made horrible reads, were pushed around by the Michigan OL, and provided no pressure in the backfield. Early in the first quarter, with Michigan going for it on 4th and short, Bowman had a guy in the backfield (eerily similar to the play he made last week against PJ Hill). He made the hit, and then inexplicably let the guy go. Upon review, it looked like Odrick might have swept his feet out while he was making contact, but still.

It seemed like once we subbed out Hull and Sales, the problems kind of disappeared. We played the run correctly, and figured out that Threet is no threat downfield. After that, we just had to make a play every 3 downs or so and watch Michigan destroy itself. The offense relied on Butler and Royster, which turned out to get the job done without any Spread HD playcalling. It is noted that Hull and Sales were inserted back in the lineup with more positive results.

My insane theory on what the gameplan against Michigan was?

Michigan is having a down year. Joe knows this. As with Purdue/Wisconsin weeks, PSU is going against a relatively easy team (Michigan) and then a perceived difficult night game on the road (OSU).
In Purdue we looked bland, but still won. This theory applies in that there was no flashy playcalling against Michigan, just marginal playcalling.
The slow offensive start in Madison aside, this theory again holds water in that Wisconsin never knew what hit them for 4 quarters of football due to the lack of traditional PSU-style conservatism. And that unheralded innovation is going to be unleashed in Columbus on Saturday night.

Other Notes

PSU should have rushed more than 4 in the first half of the game. It just seemd that the DL couldn't find their game until the backup LBs came in.
Odrick is still a manchild
Congratulations to Kevin Kelly!
Maybin was still strong.
Nate Stupar defied emporer Zoltan by stepping in the way of His regal punt. Zoltan ordered Stupar's immediate liquidation, but Stupar had already been carried off to the safety of the underground resistance. DEATH TO SPACE TYRANT ZOLTAN!!!!!
Norwood dropped a few passes. Weird.
What streak?

Movin' On

OSU on Saturday night. They are ranked #9, and we are #3. The setting represents past failure, and the last large obstacle to PSU football salvation.

In keeping with my insane theory, I pray PSU will come out with something OSU has never seen before in a PSU defense. Hopefully, it is something along the lines of a 3-4, with Maybin mirroring Pryor. This is similar to what the Eagles do against mobile QBs. Pryor has proved himself as a talented running QB, but not really a passing one. Yet.

The trick is, how do you contain Wells?

Lastly, if we come to Columbus with the execution seen in the first 25 minutes of last game, we will get smoked.

One Last Post...

2008-10-17T13:52:00.005-04:00

Because I am bored, and need to flex my imagination....

Know Your Lions

As previously stated, it's very easy to watch PSU football, get lost in the game, and merely look at our players as athletic pawns in a college system. This cannot happen. These boys that lock it up for our entertainment every weekend are real kids. They have back stories and personalities far more diverse than the humble jerseys they don. Thus, it is the object of these posts to provide the reader with a glimpse of what these guys are really like.

In staying with the defensive line, the next badass to be exposed herein is #91, Jared Odrick.

Or, as the opposition skill players call him, "Oshitpleasegodno". Don't know how this is extrapolated from "Odrick", but football players are a funny bunch.

Anyhoo, the following was a list of questions posed* to Jared via questionnaire, and his written responses follow.

Q: What do you feel gives you the advantage at your position?

A: Size, strength and speed in combination with technique. Also, coach Johnson gave me a wristband to be activated during the game that cuts off the flow of blood to my hand on passing downs. Makes it bigger. Quarterbacks hate that.

Q: What do you eat before the game to keep your strength up?

A: Eat? No sir. I drink only the purest Venom (ed-the following illustration was actually provided by Jared**. Note the above-mentioned apparatus).

Q: What music do you listen to on game day?

A: Coach Johnson made me a mix of sounds he recorded in a Kansas City slaughterhouse interwoven with the Notre Dame Fight Song. It gives me the blood-fever. After 45 minutes of exposure, I'm ready for the game.

Q: Favorite JoePa memory?

A: Joe came to visit me my senior year in high school on a recruiting trip. I didn't think much of him until he challenged me to a Rochambeau. He even let me go first. I lost after a 20 minute struggle, but Joe promised if I came to PSU and graduated I would get a rematch.

Q: What is best?

A: To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of the cheerleaders.

*hypothetically

**not provided

Up North, the Wolverines

2008-10-17T10:23:00.011-04:00

It's been awhile-work tends to pile up when you are away on road trips. And slack off. And have unlimited computer access at work and are easily distracted by shiny objects and a Phillies' playoff run. So yeah, I've been busy. Moving on....

So this week the Wolverines (2.0) come into town. They bring with them baggage and failure, which is fine with me. The problem is, as a whole, I just can't hate Michigan. I don't know why; maybe it's because they are traditional rivals to Notre Dame. Or their fans were incredibly nice to us on our road trip last year.

What I do not like about Michigan is the little things. Let's start with the stadium:

1)Michigan Stadium

Their seats are small for most of our American fatasses. Not mine tho', which comes in handy when your chubby friends sit in your row, but I digress. Thus, the traditional nomenclature of the "Big House" has been attached to said stadium since they can compress more fans into the bleachers. And here comes the PSU inferiority complex:

It's quiet, even when at capacity. You can literally feel the sound being sucked up into the void.
Their student section blows. Jingle your keys all you want, but it's gay.
The visitor's section is at the top of the stadium, and wraps around the corner of the endzone. That's just rude.

2) Dick Honig

2002. Johnson was clearly in, asshat.
2005, 2 seconds.
2005, Avant was out.
2005, Hart fumbled.
F#$king DICK HONIG

Other than that, I really don't have a problem with their fans, except for item #2 above. I have never noticed the arrogance theory other blogs ascribe to.

That being said, I hope we stomp them new mudholes this year. Eleven years is a tough run for any team. Trust me, I have a vested interest in Philadelphia sports.

PSU On Defense

Michigan is in a transition year offensively. They have no QB to run RichRod's spread attack, new RBs, and an entire set of inexperienced WRs (which is going to look somewhat familiar to us next year). I fully expect Michigan to come in and run the offense we saw vs. Notre Dame last year, or Wiscy last week. Nothing flashy, just short passes and vanilla running to avoid potential screw-ups. I fully expect PSU to rush 5 or 6, with blitzing LBs providing different looks. Maybin will again act thussly:

PSU On Offense

Michigan does not have a bad defense. In fact, they have a very underrated defensive front seven. What frightens me, and consequently could be the only thing keeping Michigan in this game, is forced turnovers. I take solace in our starters' past few games performance. Clark has shown almost preternatural decision making and accuracy. Royster knows Lawlor and the O-Line will provide the running lane needed, and the starting WRs all have veteran experience.

PSU Special Teams

We have Williams and Kelly, the latter being an asset this year. Emporer Zoltan might be one of the best punters in the universe, but he doesn't kick field goals or act as a return man. Provided Boone is marginal, PSU maintains a clear advantage. Unless Williams loses a fumble.

All signs point to PSU blowing out this Michigan team. How can Michigan possibly win?

We go into offensive "sphincter mode". I don't see this happening at home against a team that is down.
Royster's hand injury flares up and he fumbles the ball more than once.
PSU has an eleven year flashback/panic attack.
We play "bend don't break". I don't like defenses tired late in the game because they were on the field too much in the first half.
Michigan is within 14 by the fourth. WE CANNOT LET THIS MICHIGAN TEAM HANG AROUND.

All the above seem improbable. Still, I will not signal victory until the clock runs down.

Final Thoughts

We should have won last year but failed. We better win this year, because Michigan will not be down for long.

Michigan: 6
PSU: 51

EDIT: Most PSU and Michigan blogs have that fateful final play in the 2005 game. That clip will never be posted here. EVER. I can't look at that clip without that feeling of despair and loathing over what could have been. If I were to post it, I would most likely blackout and wake up in a prison cell covered in blood and confusion.

Final Thoughts: Purdue

2008-10-08T16:39:00.004-04:00

On Offense:

Must we always go on the conservative side when on the road?
Royster is a beast, especially when led by Lawlor
The only thing that infuriated me was the punt on the Purdue 38(?) yard line.

On Defense

Hull stepped up. We'll see how he does this week against PJ Hill untill I completely apologize.
Odrick is an absolute terror. Koromoa looked good.

That's really all I have. I wasn't able to take pics in Purdue (stupid camera), and the stories are just too long to properly explain. Let's move on to this Saturday night.....

...Like you didn't know this was coming.

Illinois Recap

2008-09-30T15:15:00.009-04:00

Just some closing thoughts on the awesomeness from Saturday night:

On Offense:

(HT: BHGP)

On Defense: As my mother put it, "What's with your middle linebacker? He seemed lost" If my mother figured that out, I suggest we start looking into moving personnel around. Sorry Hull, but it looks like you are the odd man out. We all really want you to do well, but you are just not getting it done.

My final thought before moving on is that I don't believe we should be ranked that high yet (some have us as a top 5 team). We are still relatively untested on the road, and have OSU coming up in a few weeks. That, and we haven't beaten Michigan since the Clinton administration. We also have to play in Madison; although I do feel better about this since they bedshitted against Michigan.

My mood will remain as "cautiously optimistic" until said games are completed.

Movin' On: Purdue

On Thursday evening I leave for Purdue. Me, 16 friends, 2 RVs, 9 cases of Old German, and West Lafayette. I will be trying to blog with updates on this trip to show the rest of you why one should try and make it to at least one away game per year.

What do I expect out of PSU? I will be happy if we don't revert to the vanilla offense, and we come away with a victory. That is all. Low expectations, truthfully, but the past two trips were to Notre Dame (2006) and Michigan (2007). And now you understand why.

Preview: Illinois

2008-09-25T11:58:00.009-04:00

The above picture is of Chief Illiniwek, who was wrongfully removed as the Illinois mascot. Yes, I am bitter about these PC Nazi moves. Was it a badass logo? Scientific studies reveal that yes, indeed it was.

So they went and got rid of the mascot and tradition. Given the same scenario, and I had to chose a new school mascot, I would have gone with The Fightin' Lemans.

WARNING: In women, prolonged exposure to this picture may result in

spontaneous pregnancy.

Seriously, is there anything more inspiring than this picture? The All-American good looks and haircut to boot. And let us not forget about the awesome necktie. Picture this: it's late in the game, you are down by 6, and exhausted. Or, your planet is being invaded by aliens. Whichever. You turn and see this mullet-god inspiration sprinting toward you, waving a flag, and screaming for you to get up and fight. That would be more than enough to press me through whatever pain and exhaustion I might be feeling.

O, and he was a damn fine linebacker as well.....

On to the football...

One of the most bitter losses I have ever experienced came at the hands of Illinois last year. The scenario was that PSU was coming off of a devastating loss in Michigan, and needed something to pull this team together. Our first drive netted a Kevin Kelly field goal. The ensuing kickoff saw an untouched Arrelious Benn take it 90 yards to paydirt. The lone offensive highlight in game full of errors was Derrick Williams torching the Illinois secondary. The rest was full of Morelli thick-headed turnovers, lack of execution, etc. Given the above, it was weird that we were even still in this game with 27 seconds left. Again, Morelli removed all hope of victory by displaying his trademark unclutch abilities.

O, and Leman had an interception. But I digress.

In short, I just felt empty after that game. These were two games that PSU should have won, but didn't. This year, I want revenge.

Even with the loss of Rashard Mendenhall, Illinois has a few weapons we are to be concerned about:

The Juice
Illinois returns starter Isiah John "Juice" Williams*, who looked somewhat impressive in the opener against Missouri. However, it was probably due to a crappy Missouri defense then anything else. I guess we'll find out when Missouri rolls through its lackluster schedule and hits a bowl game against a real opponent. His numbers through the air: 26/42, 451 yards, 5 TDs, 2 Int. He also rushed 19 times for 10 yards.

Against Eastern Illinois, Juice was a nightmare on the ground (16 car., 174 yards, 2 TDs), and meh as a QB (16/25. 124 yards, 1 TD, 2 Int.).

Against Louisiana-Lafayette, Juice went 13/25, 147 yards, 1 TD, 1 Int, and picket up another 35 yards on the ground on 11 tries.

Benn
This guy legitimately gives me nightmares. Last year, he was everywhere: 5 rushes for 8 yards, 6 catches for 84 yards and a TD, and a kick return for a TD. Not bad for a freshman.

Daniel Dufrene
Dufrene is off to a good start as a starter for the Illini, averaging 6.7 ypc and 100 ypg. Although he hasn't made it to the end zone this year, has has rolled up the numbers that would warrant attention.

What is most important to remember about last year's fuckup is that we did take Juice out of the game. Outside of a good first quarter, Juice was highly ineffective, and had to be replaced later by some chump named McGee. I have no doubt that our game plan regarding him is to simply keep him in the pocket, and force him to make bad plays. Getting Koroma and Evans back, even in limited roles, will no doubt bolster this stratagem. Other than that, keep a safety (Scirrotto) dedicated to Benn to remove anything over the top, keep an eye on Dufrene, and defensively we should have a good game.

Offensively, the only worry I have about PSU is losing the ball. There have been 11 times thus far the ball has hit the ground; while PSU has been lucky in recovering the majority of them, this is far too many. Add to this that the ball may be slick due to inclement weather, and we have the potential for a nightmare. Last year's game was decided by turnovers, and hopefully history won't repeat itself.

O, and PSU has the small intangibles of a night game and the White Out. Feelin' good about this one.

The final score:
Illinois 13
PSU 31

EDIT: ESPN this morning displayed on its ticker that Koroma and Evans will be playing this weekend dispite their legal infractions. There was no mention that they had both been suspended for 3 games, missed practice, etc.

*"Juice" has turned into a remarkably bad nickname in the past 14 years or so. Might want to go with something else here.

Surfacing Briefly....

2008-09-24T15:50:00.004-04:00

My time has been tight what with the end of the fiscal year coming up, so my blogging (or attempts thereof) has been severely curtailed. Yes, I have actually had to do work. So until the road trip next week, please don't expect that much out of me other than the occasional line or two.

My thoughts on the past 4 games?

Big ups to Jay and Galen. I absolutely love the playcalling, and how in almost every play multiple skill players can be used. Of course, it helps to have a man-beast QB that can read defenses. Just sayin'....
Jerome Hayes went down. This gives me sorrow to which I cannot ever write about. Sometimes, I think Niche was right.
Get Evans and Koroma back in there for Illinois. I am pretty sure by now they understand what they did and how it effects the team.
As predicted, Navarro Bowman appears to be THE NEXT ONE.....
We are deficient in special team coverage, and turn the ball over too much.

So there ya have it. We ate our cupcakes, they tasted good, and now onto the conference schedule entree. Selah.

Know Your Lions

The next student-athlete in the queue for this feature has to be Jack Crawford.

As we all know that Jack is a little late in picking up the game of football; he was born in England, and originally came to America to play basketball. Basically, he has a freakish size/speed matchup (6' 6", 260, 4.55), but is underdeveloped due to lack of experience. This will change under LJ Sr. (See Hali, Tamba).

I recently sat down with young Jack* to write about the odds and ends of his life. The following are just some things that people should know about him:

Once beat the shit out of Tunney O'Hanlon. Then slammed an entire case of bitter, sang "God Save the Queen", and pleasured every woman in the room.
Speaks when spoken to around LJ Sr.
Believes rugby is for "wankers".
Worked hard in the offseason to eradicate English accent by living in North Jersey.
Distrusts the Welsh.
Has this picture posted over his locker as fuel for playing Michigan.
Can rhyme any word with "purple".
Thinks Braveheart was a good enough movie, but would like to remind everyone that on June 19, 1306, Robert the Bruce's Scottish rebels were defeated at the Battle of Methven.
Mo Evans calls him the "Limey prick trying to take my job". Secretly hopes that this is just a nickname, and wants to be his BFF. That is why he moved to DT.
Hates urinals.

So there ya have it. Don't be afraid to confront Jack with his personal information, as listed above. I'm sure he will laugh**.

*no I didn't
**he won't. and for the love of God, don't tell him I said any of this.

Know Your Lions

2008-09-02T14:50:00.005-04:00

It's very easy to watch PSU football, get lost in the game, and merely look at our players as athletic pawns in a college system. This cannot happen. These boys that lock it up for our entertainment every weekend are real kids. They have back stories, most of them far more colorfull than the humble jerseys they don. It's just a shame that most of us will never get so much as a glimpse into their personal lives.

All that ends now. To get you (ed-even more so) emotionally invested in PSU football, please allow me to give you the smallest insight into our players. First on the list.....

Derrick Williams

We all know him as #2, the Greenbelt prodigy, a product of The Stable, etc. But these facts really do not give us any insight into the person; it is the minutae of life which defines us. For example, did you know that in the above picture, Derrick is not wearing a shirt? After his freshman year, he took his nipples off with a belt sander and had his jersey tattooed onto his body. True story*. Other interesting facts:

Had 2 extra canals implanted in each inner ear this summer. The result is far superior balance.
Can communicate with corn.
Has no fingerprints. The ridges on his palms and fingers are actually millions of microscopic setae.
Only person to successfully call Paul Posluszny "chump". Did it twice.
Hates being called "D-Will". Fears "Greased Pole" might catch on. Is toying with the idea of self-applying "High Heel", 'cause he routinely snaps ankles. Understands self-applying nicknames is against the rule, but is trying to find a way to breach the social norm**.
Whispers "Mr. Drummond" under his breath when speaking about or to Joe Paterno.

*not true
**like starting a blog

Final Thoughts, Week 1

2008-09-01T18:47:00.003-04:00

Just some random thoughts while watching the DVR'd game:

Moments before kickoff, the "WE ARE" chant was performed in fine fashion. There was one CC player on the sideline who was shaking his head, trying to convince himself that the sound wasn't affecting him (#83, I believe). I don't think he's a very good salesman.
Good run stuffing up the middle. Odrick is a beast. Baker who?
Gaines and Evans looked ready.
DWill stays on his feet after contact. Ran a great WR screen. Me likey.
Clark's first pass was a gem. So was the second. I'm not used to seeing on target passes and crisp decision making. Keep it up.
Good playcalling. For all the guff I give JayPa, I have to say I was impressed by the job Jay and Galen did. Further, neither QB ran. While this is due to good OL play, but also due to the offensive stratagem of just keeping the QB in the pocket on purpose.
Jerome Hayes came in and had a great first step. Good to see.
Devlin has a sweet touch. However, I just thought that the offense moved better with Clarke.
BANI-BANI-BANI.......OY-OY-OY! Other than that pick, I thought the LBs were a little soft in coverage.

Other wise, I was very happy with the results, considering we were playing a cupcake. No real injuries, everyone got a few plays, and both QBs looked solid. As expected the line and the running game was pimp. That being said, I fully expect Oregon to come into town next week and test the LB coverage. The back seven better be ready.

So far, off to a good start. Let's keep going.....

Tony Hunt Update

2008-08-29T19:56:00.006-04:00

Lookin' Good in Midnight Green

A little over a week ago, PSU football alumnus/Tennessee nightmare Tony Hunt was asked to play FB on the Iggles. Not a bad move. Andy Reid finally realizes that kind of talent just can't be bottled up on the sideline. The only problem I have with this move is the timing; why wasn't this done at the end of last season? Now, Tony has to move to a position he is only slightly familiar with in an exponentially more intricate offense.

So how has Tony performed? Depends. As far as FBs go, he is marginal-he just lacks size. If he had the opportunity in the offseason to gain some weight, it might change things. That being said, I am currently going over the last two dvr'd games, and I have to admit: I am kind of excited about this.

Tony, at FB, has thusfar excelled in blitz pickup, as well as picking up a LB last night in a run blitz. He made an outstanding play on special teams, and has caught the ball with great poise out of the backfield. The first half was going great for him against the Jets' scrubs-he did all main functions of a FB (lead blocking, pass blocking, and short yardage). However, the last play wherein he was the lead blocker for Booker, he reverted to a RB, hit the hole hard, and didn't wait for Booker to follow him. The result was a Jets LB shooting the gap and making an easy play. His only mistake, really.

In short, I am happy with this move-Tony gets some serious PT, and a chance to show what he can do. He is still marginal in lead blocking, but he showed good signs of improvement last night, albeit against the backups.

/takes off Iggles glasses.

Now that the bias is removed, I would hate this move if I were a non-Iggles PSU fan. Why? Tony is a RB. He is a punishing, between the tackles bruiser who gets better with every carry during the game. Moving him to FB might get him some more experience, but not at the position he was designed for. The Eagles should release him, and let another team put him in his natural position. Which looks like this:

/puts glasses back on

In looking at the RB situation, it would appear that this move is most likely temporary. In this case, Buckhalter is in the last year of his contract, and Booker isn't going anywhere. After Buck is gone, Tony slides back to RB, and in 3 years is a compliment to Booker (should be other way around-ed) as Westbrook winds down.

PSU vs. CC

2008-08-28T10:42:00.011-04:00

Right now, every PSU blog is producing some kind of in-depth preview of Coastal Carolina. And that's fine-they all do wonderful jobs in their own right.

You will receive none of that here, for the reasons set forth in the last post. It's ridiculous. Why would I spend my time researching a team I cannot take seriously? Yes, I'm bitter, and TINNOMJ has done a great job already breaking down what our third stringers will be facing.

What do I hope for?

No injuries.
Clarke and Devlin show competent execution through the air.
Good weather.

So welcome to Happy Valley, Chanticleers. Your money is on the dresser. We're done here, whore.

PSU 45 CC -10

EDIT: admittedly, Mike over at BSD gives me some perspective on why I should go to this game. Well played, Mike. You almost sold me. Almost.

Moving on...

Admiral Akbar Award for Week 1

This season's inaugural AAA goes to.....

Nah. Just kidding. Too easy/obvious to be a "trap" game for Michigan. Last year's bedshitting to Appalachian State is still fresh in their minds and noses, and I highly doubt Michigan will be playing conservative football. I fully expect Michigan to come out swinging, DickRod style, minus the token 10 bubble screen gameplan. You don't remember what happened last year? OK, one last time:

Verily, schadenfreude at its best. Still, I am sure this weekend the Michigan faithful will be a little uneasy until the final gun. And for those faithful, I offer comfort in case of defeat: you still get to play Penn State. There is always hope.

No, I hereby award the following matchup into the Order of Akbar:

Why you say? A number of factors. For one, USC has a date with TOSU next week, a #2 vs. #3. I'm pretty sure USC will opt for conservatism in lieu of preparation for upcoming schedule.

Further, as of late, USC usually has one or two head-scratching losses per year. These guys are so loaded with (paid) talent every year, it's near-inconceivable that they drop a game to say, Stanford (2007), Oregon State and UCLA (2006). Why not get their inevitable loss to an unranked team out of the way now, and then run the table to get a shot at the national championship? Why not indeed.

That, and I truly dislike USC. Not as much as Notre Dame, but maybe a distant second.

LOOK OUT USC! ITS A TRAP!

Almost There....

2008-08-26T15:24:00.009-04:00

Four more days until football life begins anew for every PSU fan out there. Four more days until we can shake off the tailgating cobwebs, and truly enjoy a mild Saturday in the cow pastures. These are days full of grilling, cornhole, drinks with friends at 8 AM, and screaming "WE ARE" until your lungs turn inside-out. That is, until one looks at our first matchup. Peep this:

This will be the first PSU football opener I have missed in some time. Why? I refuse to spend my hard-earned money on tickets, hotels, and provisions just to watch this crap. "The Chanticleers"? Really? I cannot believe that with around 54 non-BCS schools in D-1, that the best we could get to kick off the year was a second tier DII(yes, I know they changed the designation. I don't care.) team. These guys have been around for a whole 6 years.

And why would I bother attending? I can give you a pretty accurate forecast of what will occur:

PSU goes uber-conservative in playcalling, not wanting to give any future opponent any usable gametape.
Score easily, pad the statistics, make sure all starters get some playing time, and then throw in the backups. Then the seniors. Then that guy who plays the cowbell. Then the starting lineup of the State College H.S. cheerleading squad.

Don't get me wrong; I will be watching via the BTN. It's been about 8 months since the Lions last took the field, and I am jonesing for some football. I will cheer when they show Joe leading the boys onto the field. I will hold my breath for the text message informing me the results of the drum major's flip attempt. I will overflow with nostalgia when I see the lion. And I know others at home will be just as afflicted with the pain of not being there.

It's just a shame that I will have to switch over to another channel during commercials to watch a quality game. Ultimately, the most depressing aspect of this matchup is that people will fill the stadium, regardless of opponent, giving those with power statistical leverage to maintain their scheduling joke.

Did I say 4 days? I meant there is a scrimmage this weekend, and in 11 days, we get to see what PSU can do against a decent OOC opponent. That's when the real football begins.

And of course, I blame Jim Delaney. He would do well running Disney.

Can Devon Borrow a Redshirt?

2008-08-17T11:26:00.005-04:00

First Sean Lee gets a fluke injury, now reports are in that Still reinjured himself. Or rather, someone called "dogpile", and Still was on the bad side.

Fuck. Three weeks ago, we were deep at DT. Now, we have three DTs with game experience, and one is coming off of a buggerred ankle.

This offense better be ready....

Football and Star Wars

2008-08-08T11:20:00.027-04:00

My inglorious larval phase included the late 70's, and lasted well into the 80's. During that time, I had several influences on my life that would forever leave their mark-Precambrian electronic gaming systems, Saturday morning cartoons, Philadelphia winning sports championships, Knight Rider, the Muppets, etc. One of the leading influences in my life back then, and many others in my generation for that matter, revolve around the original Star Wars Trilogy, Episodes 4-6.

The lessons of Star Wars can be applied to everyday life for us geeks. For example; if these aren't the droids you're looking for, move along.

Still, my favorite all-time truism of Star Wars occurs in the Battle of Endor, Episode VI, "Return of the Jedi". The Rebel alliance had all of its forces combined, had the element of surprise, a good plan for a three-prong attack, etc... They come out of hyperspace ready to go, and then this happens:

The trap scenario can be incorporated to many areas; for example, some genius applied it to other movies:

And for his awesome fuckery, Admiral Akbar shall always be the poster child of unwittingly running face-first into someone else's game plan. While I fully understand that it probably wasn't all his fault (others had input to the plan, and the Princess is off pushing guerrilla warfare), Akbar is solely responsible for the fate of the Alliance. "Heavy lies the crown", and such.

*Why wasn't the guy who formulated the battle plan above Yavin consulted?

And let's be honest: Akbar should have lost the Battle of Endor. That Death Star was fully operational. If not for a weird, unforeseen string of events (Ewoks, the Emperor being thrown down a shaft by his second in command, etc.), the Alliance would be terminated. Remeber this for later.

Now onto football. Everyone loves the concept of the "Trap Game", or that game on every team's schedule that said team overlooks, and could end up losing. What better place to apply the metaphors of Star Wars?

So here we go. As with last season, I pick a matchup I feel is worthy of receiving "The Akbar Award", and is given to the higher ranked team that could potentially run into a very precarious situation. That being said, here is the decoration in all of its glory:

EDIT: Zac, you're right. Let's scale the geekness back to acceptable levels.

Briefly Surfacing for a Sec...

2008-07-29T18:52:00.005-04:00

Just a few points for the upcoming season concerning this humble blog:

As stated with my hiatus message (see below), I am definitely cutting down the generic football randomness of the past to purely focus in on PSU football.
That being said, I will probably limit myself to a few posts a week.
The weekly reoccurring feature of issuing "The Akbar Award" will go on for this site, and my other blog (Eagles coverage/NFL). I really enjoyed writing that feature every week. More on that later....

Also, I wish all 3 of my readers (Hi Mom) a pleasant ending to their respective summers. Let's get ready for a brand new season.

Other then that, I would just like to mention that Stephen A. Smith, and in a larger part ESPN, can take their drive-by story and shove it up/down their collective filth holes.

Shut'n Down for Awhile

2008-06-16T18:37:00.003-04:00

Fig. 1-1: See ya in August.

Closing down 'till this fall. Why? This off-season made me over expand and go off topic, and I really just have nothing useful to add until August.

Enjoy your summer.

On Vacation....

2008-06-08T11:04:00.000-04:00

Fig 1-1: A very accurate depiction of my morning

Tuesday Potpourri

2008-06-03T17:24:00.006-04:00

Last night, I stayed up to watch the awesomeness of the Stanley Cup final; lucky for me it went into some hot overtime action. It was weird-I informed Zac by mid 2nd period that he should get the razor out, and for 19:26 into the third, I appeared to be right.

Not so much......

So what does this mean? Once again, I start cheering for Detroit to just end it all, and the Philly curse is unwittingly cast upon them. Well screw that. GO PITT!

Moving on.....

Quick Links

With Leather has now come up with the best anecdote to ever begin a post with.
WWTDD reports on Nick Hogan's borderline sociopath tendencies. The Superficial was kind enough to update us on the legal proceedings.

Philly Stuff

Chase Utley is a golden god. Because no way could a person that handsome be mortal.
Naturally, we can't go more than a few weeks without some drama in the Birds' locker room. Lito Shepphard hasn't shown up for a voluntary workout. Big fucking deal. It's voluntary, right? Yes? Than I don't care. Sometimes I really hate the Philly media. Just, for once, report what happened, and let it go at that. And yes, I am aware that 99% of the team was there. Still don't care. Given his injury history, this is only preparing our team for the inevitable week 3 scenario.
Sami Kapanen retired (ed-from the NHL). It's a shame: he never really clicked with the Flyers after the '04 playoffs, and was relegated to the checking line. He never showed any sign of resentment in his demotion, and played hard every night without complaining. Good luck playing back home, Sami. Drop us a line sometime.
Paul Domowitch is reporting that the Cowboys are the team to beat. I call shenanigans; the Cowboys have shown the uncanny ability in the last two season to peak too early, and bow out in the playoffs. My top 10? Glad you asked:

New England-cheating be damned, that team is still frightening.
Indianapolis-Still got Peyton, and a subpar defense.
Jacksonville-Not sold on Silky Garrard yet. Good D and running game, tho'.
New York Giants- Still finding ways to win.
Cleveland- They got Horse Balls Anderson; however, he did look shaky at the end of last year. Regardless, they return most starters and made great acquisitions.
San Diego- They retained most of their team, including LDT and Merriman.
Cowboys- Now makin' it rain!
Steelers- Stilly Mcbeam is the gayest mascot, and will continue to haunt this team. My advice? Get some cheerleaders to cancel that mojo.
Green Bay- their defense steps up, Rodgers puts up marginal numbers, and Ryan Grant improves. This team can do good things.
Buffalo-Paul Posluszny has his first pro-bowl appearance

You probably have noticed that I left the Eagles off. I did this because I wanted to make a list unbiased by my homerism; this was the only way I could see how.

Secondly, at this point, I have no clue on how the Birds are going to do this year. As of today, I could see them being as high as 5th on the chart given the way they finished the season; I could also see them tanking again.

God, I miss football.

Favorite Tailgating Food/Drink

2008-05-30T12:09:00.005-04:00

"Gluttony ain't a sin if it's good and you ain't full"

Been awhile since I posted one of these, but it's been worth the wait.....

Pepper Shooters

Fig. 1-1: Humina humina humina.....

PSU Tailgate Experience: Every tailgate beginning in the '05 season.

Suggested Purchase Amount: Always go for the large container. Pack 'em in, and then add some of the drippings to keep the jewels properly hydrated. Rotate every hour or so.

Purchase from:

Fig. 1-2: So good they dedicated a wall to it. Next to the above is an entire wall dedicated to Frank Rizzo.

http://www.dibruno.com/

Notes: When purchasing, always check the color of the prosciutto inside. If it's more pale then a healthy pink, select another pepper; the now-ruined item has been sitting in the olive oil too long, and will most likely be salty. Further, pepper seeds really shouldn't be present.

If you do have the opportunity to hit DiBruno's you should do so. You will know when you are there when you enter the store and see:

Tight quarters
Multiple kinds of aged meats and cheeses hanging from the ceiling.
A picture of Mussolini

Fig. 1-3: A glutton's heaven

Further, always go for the red ones (see fig. 1-1). While waiting in line, don't be shy about sampling the world's finest meats and cheeses. When in doubt, ask questions; the staff there rules.

Ingredients (Traditional):

Marinated cherry peppers
Sharp Provolone cheese
Prosciutto

Pros:

Readily available
Taste incredible
Short prep time-just need to plate 'em
Go great with mozzarella and beer
Any ingredient by themselves makes for good eatin'
You luckily found the hot one! Your mouth is on fire!

Cons:

You mistakenly find the hot one! Your mouth is on fire!

Implements:

For people with social graces, a knife and plate will be necessary.
For everyone else, a napkin/paper towel will suffice.

Interesting Facts:

Many believe this food originated up in a Rhode Island Deli called Daniele Foods.
It is rumored that the name comes from the phonetic "prosciutto", i.e. "pro-shoot-o", and the Italian (lazy) habit of not pronouncing the last letter in a word if it is a vowel. Or something.

Conclusions: Most alternate places I have purchased these from (commissaries, random delis, etc.) each produce a very good version, so if you can't make it to south Philly, you will still get a good product.

I have to stop posting this type of material before lunch.

More Stuff...

2008-05-28T17:22:00.004-04:00

By now, you should have heard about Maryland luvin' LJ Sr. like a fat kid loves cake; he hustled two more stellar recruits, Brandon Felder and Sean Stanley, from Larryland's talent pool.

Not that I am hating on the trend, but for us part-time (ed-lazy) bloggers, this sudden damburst of recruiting talent has left us struggling to keep up.

Since I am one hell of a guy (and handsome to boot), I will provide you other hacks out there with a time saving device that in the biz we like to call a form paragraph. Form paragraphs are a must in my line of work, and enable one to efficiently describes a multitude of situations in a timely, pre-written format. Kind of like Mad Libs for adults, sans the cockhumor.

Areas to be filled in/suggestions are in parenthesis.

(Date)

_______(FOS, RUTS, Rivals, BSD) is/are reporting that recruiting demigod LJ. Sr. continues his silver tongued ways, this time stealing the highly-touted ______(Maryland, Virginia) recruit ________(recruit's name) from _______(institutional name) _________(Academy, Prep, High School, Gladiator Academy).

For Defensive Lineman
______(recruit's name) finished his junior year voted all-_____(state, conference, metro) by the ____(relevant newspaper), racking up __ tackles, __ TFL, __ sacks, __ forced fumbles, and/or _____(other relevant statistic). Here's the gamefilm:

(youtube clip of him separating a "skill position" player from their shoes/consciousness/dreams).

The scouting report on _____(recruit’s name) describes him as possessing _______(a good motor, good technique, good explosion, balance, a high midichlorian count)

(HS coaches relevant quote)

_____(recruit's name) is reporting a 3.__ GPA, as well as ______(ACT, SAT, equivalency). Stars be damned, this kid has got offers from ______, ______, and _______ (VT, Michigan, Illinois, OSU, Texas, Maryland, Notre Dame, other relevant program), and it never hurts to steal one from those teams.

For DBs
____(recruit’s name) finished his junior year voted all- _____(state, conference, metro) by the ________(relevant newspaper), racking up ___ interceptions, ___ passes defended, ___ tackles, and/or _______(other relevant statistic). Here's the game film:

(youtube clip of a safety without a conscience, or CB showing blazing reaction skills. Special team return skills should be added as necessary)

The scouting report on _____(recruit’s name) describes him as _______(scrappy, deceptively quick, quick to react, gangbuster, ballhawker, smart, leader, Jesus-like)

(HS coaches relevant quote)

______(recruit’s name) is reporting a 3.__ GPA, as well as _________(ACT, SAT, equivalency). Stars be damned, this kid has received offers from _________, ________, and ___________ (VT, Michigan, Illinois, OSU, Texas, Maryland, Notre Dame, other relevant program), and it never hurts to steal one from those guys.

Optional
______(recruit’s name), also doubles as a return guy, so we could potentially get some bonus use out of him.

WR
____(recruit’s name) finished his junior year voted all- _____(state, conference, metro) by the ________(relevant newspaper), racking up ___ catches, ___ running yards, ___ TDs, and/or _______(other relevant statistic). Here's the game film:

(youtube clip of player one handing grabs, catching the long ball, breaking tackles, blocking downfield, hugging his momma)

The scouting report on _____(recruit’s name) describes him as having_______(having excellent hands, break-away speed, blocking skills, leadership skills, nunchuck skills)

(HS coaches relevant quote)

______(recruit’s name) is reporting a 3.__ GPA, as well as _________(ACT, SAT, equivalency). Stars be damned, this kid has received offers from _________, ________, and ___________ (VT, Michigan, Illinois, OSU, Texas, Maryland, Notre Dame, other relevant program), and it never hurts to steal one from those guys.

Optional

______(recruit’s name), also doubles as a return guy, so we could potentially get some bonus use out of him.

______(quote of recruit's reason for coming to PSU. Should include praise of LJ Sr., and not of other, less talented coaches)

Welcome to Happy Valley _____(recruit's name)!
_______ (WE ARE, FOR THE GLORY OF STATE)

So there ya go; next time LJ snags another big fish, just use the above, and save yourself some time. Modify as you see fit; however, if you do, in fact, use my above work, I demand compensation in the form of one (1) monkeyboy the next time I roll into town.

Pucks

Moving on to hockey, the Pens done got worked again. As With Leather has pointed out, this series is more or less an extension of this:

Ugh, I feel for ya Pens fans.

More Recruiting News

2008-05-25T18:17:00.002-04:00

Larry Johnson Sr. cemented his "best recruiter, EVER" status by landing yet another recruit. This time, it's Stephon Morris, another Greenbelt MD product. I'm serious: LJ Sr. owns Maryland and NOVA.

"Not the biggest corner, but he makes up for that by be so smooth. He is as technically sound of a corner as you'll find. Very fluid backpedal and outstanding closing speed. He anticipates well and sticks to receivers like glue. His toughness and strength help him against big wide receivers. Also an outstanding return man on special teams."

True, he is only 5'9", but that is more than enough to get it done in college. Return man on special teams? Scrappy guy that doesn't back down? Sign him up.

The report from Scout doesn't show any stars(which is typical this time of year), but look at the list of suitors: Louisville, Rutgers, Vandy, Tennessee, and Illinois. Good enough for me.

Let's see, commitment wise, that puts us at 5 DBs (kinda) locked in at this point; 3 CBs, 2 S. I already like the way this class is shaping up. Lets' grab some blue-chip RBs, a decent QB, and fill out the lineup.

Hockey News:
Pitt got worked last night in Detroit. For Pitt fans, I really wouldn't be down. Pitt had their share of open nets in the first, and just couldn't bury'em. Pitt hung well with Detroit through 2 periods-their only problem is that they stopped putting the puck on the net-taking bad penalties does this to a team(see Flyers, 2007-2008 season). This Pens team does not repeat mistakes, so expect a brutal game 2.

I Heart JoePa

2008-05-23T11:01:00.003-04:00

As much as I disagree with the nepotism involved in the program, I still admire Joe Paterno. This is why:

Those opposing the playoff cited the sanctity of the regular season and the fact the players would be forced to miss too much class time. It could also extend the season into a second semester. Paterno rejected those rationales, noting the highly profitable Division I men's basketball tournament is more disruptive to its players.
"To be frank with you, I don't know what the reasons are not to have a playoff," Paterno said during a speaking appearance in Pittsburgh. "You can talk about missing class and all that kind of stuff, [yet] you see basketball go on forever. You have a lot of bogus excuses, but obviously the majority of people who have the say don't want it."

I will admit-the NCAA tournament does not happen around the holidays or finals, but still-other teams in the NCAA (baseball, rugby, etc.) have to deal with the calender obstructions, right? Why can't football?

"They said, 'Well, you've got to vote or else you can't participate.' So I will not participate in the voting," Paterno said. "Not that I'm against what other people want to do, it's just that philosophically I think you ought to win it on the field. If I have to vote for somebody only because people have said these are the two teams that ought to be in the BCS championship game and I think they left somebody out that probably ought to be in it, that's when I'll feel a playoff ought to be appropriate. I've always been for a playoff."

Tradition is not always a good thing. Tragically, change is slow in the realm of NCAA football.

Tidbiddies

2008-05-22T16:02:00.007-04:00

BHGP keeps the hilarity going via OPS's interpretation of Kirk Ferentz's visit to PSU. I laugh abnormally hard at this kind of hijinx. Maybe because deep down inside, I nervously acknowledge that some of it might be a little to close too the truth.
More backstories are coming out now about the infamous Buzz vs. Leich conflict. Apparently, Cris Carter went all cro-magnon on young Will backstage, and stopped just short of taking his lunch money. Can the fallout from that fatefull interview get any more surreal?
Drew is taking a firm stand on...something, i guess.
SWPL has tackled an issue that, on a daily basis, greatly infuriates the stone-cold conservative in me: Bumperstickers.... In my opinion, I didn't ask for your enlightened views on religion, politics, and my meat-heavy diet.

Those four links alone should be more than enough to get you fired at work....

Potpourri

2008-05-21T12:19:00.006-04:00

This rumor has been circulating since the Pens and Sabres played in the ice bowl in NY (ed-don't read past the third comment, as i did. As a rule, every post that mentions a team from Philly and a team from Pitt degenerates the reader on average in 4 comments. Just thought i would give you the heads up).

Personally, I think this move would show some extreme chutzpah by Bettman, considering offers are out there right now from NY, Chicago, etc. While PSU could set the record for the largest crowd at a hockey game, I could foresee the NHL going where the money is. State College is, after all, State College.

If it did happen, you could bet Cindy Crosby's vag that I would be there (ed-SEE?), wielding my ancient Rick Tocchet orange-road jersey.

In all seriousness, the Pitt team that ousted the Flyers was not the same team they faced back in March/April. Crosby didn't dive or complain, and routinely scared the bejeezus out of me with his preternatural passing ability. They looked like the Devils from ten years ago, but with more talent up front.

The question is, who to cheer for in the finals? Most Pens fans greatly infuriate me, and I am sure the corollary is very true. Still, the majority of the Pens fans I know personally keep it nice-no screaming incoherently, and they know a good deal about the sport. Except Zac, because he is a dick. He once told his mother to "Shut up or I'll spin kick you".

Then there is Detroit. Reports from Detroit were shocking to say the least-most games did not sell out at the Joe this year. Strange. I guess they better get an iron and lift the "Hockeytown" banner from the ice, which is kind of how they remove tattoos in prison. Maybe these aren't the same fans who once rode a Red Wing Zamboni all the way to Philly back in '97.

I'm going to have to go with Pitt on this one. Why?

I can only jinx them with my Philly mojo.
I can secretly live vicariously through my friends' championships.

Either way, someone wins.

My First Trip to Erie

2008-05-20T17:02:00.005-04:00

Sweet Joepa's prostate, what a weekend. Very intense. And by that, I mean my brain was so booze-rattled and culture shocked, that I finally awoke this morning. Let's see...

Thursday

Left work around 1 for Pittsburgh, and was informed that coach Paterno was in the hospital due to heart attack. Thoughts of diverting from Pitt to State College were creeping into my mind. Luckily, the reports were a bit overstated, and I didn't have to alter my route. Yes, I am that selfish.

Arrived in Pitt around 6ish, only to be surprised by the amount of homeless people donning Penguin attire. Freaky. I also noted that Pitt looks much better in the fall. I don't know why. Maybe it's because the weather was ultimately shitty on Thursday.

Met up with my friend Frank-he's an old pledge buddy of mine and a huge Pens fan. As in even when attendance was pitiful, he still went to all the games he could. I respect that. Went to a bar that had Yeungling on special (weird, eh? Pens vs. Flyers, in Pitt, and they went with the Eastern PA beer) for $2.

Figure 1-1: Sweet Nectar of the Gods

AHHHHHHHH-gotta wash that road dust down, and the family Yeungling's incredible panacea eased all tension out of me (Note to self: Yeungling always tastes better in PA). That, and from living in DC, I forgot what real wings taste like. Thanks, Quaker Steak. Things were good all around.

Enter the Flyers game-nobody at the bar but me really saw Lupul's shot go in. Not that I blame the Pitt fans. Fleury just hasn't let in anything from over 15 feet this series. Let's just say the room quieted noticeably when I stood up and cheered. And then someone tried to hit me with a broom.

So I pretty much watch the game chain-smoking, just praying we can at least win one to gain some shred of dignity back within the organization, all whilst talking among those laid-back country folk. Good people. Flyers win, I'm drunk and happy, and go to pass out over Frank's place watching Red Dawn. Missed the infamous "AVENGE MEEEEE!" line (see below), but still, it's Red Dawn.

Figure 1-2: Damn, I miss the commie-fear of the 80's

Friday
Left Pittsburgh around 9AM for 120 miles on route 79 toward Erie. Holy tits, there is nothing out there.

I get into Erie around 11, get my bearings (the town is surprisingly intuitive in layout), and treat myself to an incredible breakfast at some joint called Butch's after witnessing the awesome size of McDowell high school. Excellent food, great coffee, and cheap. Spent the afternoon among friends and their new kid, as well as taking the tour of the town. The weather seemed to hold up.

What do I think of Erie? Well, everywhere north of the amusement park is unique. Looks like solid fishing/campgrounds. The back roads remind me alot of the State College, or Lehigh areas. The only criticism here was the lack of street signs. However, the main drags remind me of Jersey. Tons of liquor stores and distributors, and the roads are in incredibly poor shape due to the temperature extremes that are imparted on the town. And cheap floozies everywhere.

Back to the Liquor. I have never seen prices so cheap. 6 hours of consuming, and I only spent 30 dollars. At one place, my tab included 1 Redbull and vodka, 4 vodka tonics, and 5 beers. The total? 23 dollars. Using beer math, this would equate to somewhere around $70-$80 in DC. So you see, I had to keep drinking.

Erie 1 Me 0

Saturday
I have never missed a tee time in my life-I may have been a smidge tardy once or twice, but I have never slept clean through one. First time for everything, I guess. Regardless, I rallied to get there for the back 9, and actually postponed my hangover 'till after lunch. It was at that time, I collapsed and detoxed. Kind of felt like this:

Fig. 1-3: Never has heroin been so awesome

Ok, a slight exaggeration maybe, but you get the point. Erie was in my veins and trying to rip me apart with its madness.

Saturday night, we all go to this Italian drinking club called the Aurora Nova. Lots of Italians. Zac over at EIFL did an excellent report on the goings on; especially when it comes to Asians and gaming.

Speaking of non-hetero Asians, Rob once again brought the house down in karaoke at the bar we went to.

I did well-no blackouts were awarded to me, so I didn't forget Asian Rob dancing on a table at the club to Whitney Houston with a 60 year old.

Erie 1 Me 1

Sunday

I was told I woke up around 10, left at 11, and got home by 530 that afternoon.

Sunday was kind of a blur of farms, interstates, tolls, and apparently, one Penguins goal after another.

Final Thoughts

I am definately going back, preferably sometime in the summer or fall. I just hope I realize that I need to take Monday off next time.

NOOOOOOOOOOO.....

2008-05-13T18:49:00.004-04:00

OOOOOOOOOOOO!

This time last week things looked interesting. Now, the top 33% of our defense is missing.

Picture losing Sean Lee, Mo Evans, and AQ Shipley. Fuck. FUCK. FUCKITYFUCKFUCK. Where's the whiskey....

The only thing that could possibly make me smile at this point would be if somehow Versus got off their lazy keisters and showed Kate Smith and Lauren Hart dueting "God Bless America". That's it.

We"re Boned

2008-05-08T20:34:00.005-04:00

Like i said, we're boned....

Christ, I can't believe pens fans are already stating we are using this as an excuse. You lose your best all-star defenseman and see how you react.

For crying out loud, we lose Vinnie 10 years ago during a good playoff run, and now this, which is so much worse.

With Timmonen, we had a distinct chance. My only hope is they bring Parent in.

EDIT: Do you remember how you felt when you heard Sean Lee is going to miss this year? Yeah, it feels like that.

Have We Learned Nothing?

2008-05-08T11:35:00.003-04:00

The 2 people who read this blog (hi mom!) might remember this post.

Now this.

I've stated it before:

Starting around the last Phillies World Series Run, every time this city has a proven winner in the playoffs, some politician/jackass/both decides to unveil the giant jersey on the William Penn Statue atop city hall. Never fails-every time someone decides to put a jersey on a statue in Philly, their team loses.

So go ahead, Pens fans. Put your jersey on Balboa. I dare ya. But before you do that, please talk to the pig-man Habs fan.

That is all.

Holy Sh!t...

2008-05-07T16:54:00.004-04:00

Remember that great Dave Chappelle skit with Wayne Brady? You know, the one with the running joke of how white people love Wayne Brady because he is an uncle Tom? Something like that. To refresh:

Figure 1-1: Do NOT f&ck with Wayne Brady.

Anyhoo, the point was made, as well as comic lore.

Then this happens (note: the comparison has probably already been made, but i haven't heard it yet, so back off). I don't know whether to laugh, or to be genuinely concerned for Harrison. If he was the shooter, what set him off?

Better yet, if true, now we know the reason that Harrison sits by himself on the bench during games. It's not that he is distancing himself from his teammates. Rather, his teammates do not want a repeat of what happens in the above video around the 00:38 mark. FAIRMOUNT, WHAT!!!!

What really happened? There are parts of Fairmount (Philly) that you don't go into on a dare. Crime is high, and one can understand why he keeps the hand-cannon behind the counter of his bar. People know it's his bar, and a certain element will see the advantage of ripping off a bar attached to Marvin Harrison's money, or something stupid like that. Moving on....

Most likely, an employee got involved in an altercation, went and got Marvin's piece, and went all apeshit.

It's a shame, really, that such a talented, upstanding poster-boy for the NFL has to be involved in some local thuggery. Still, it's good for bringing up such a comic gem.

Favorite Tailgate Food/Drink

2008-05-01T15:28:00.013-04:00

"Gluttony ain't a sin if it's good and you ain't full"

This post is solely dedicated to accelerating onset cirrhosis. Let's get started....

Moose Juice

Figure 1-1: Trust me on this one

PSU Tailgate Experience: I cannot remember a relevant tailgate without this sweet nectar.

Secret Formula:

1 large handle of vodka.
1 case of beer (12 0z. cans).
1 large container of powdered Country Time Lemonade (not pink). For Vitamin C purposes.
1 10lb. bag of crushed ice.

Add all contents into mixing container. Stir furiously. Enjoy.

AKA:

Skippies.
Happies.

Pros:

Easy to make.
Great starter drink if beer is not suitable at 7 AM.
Counter-intuitively tastes phenomenal.
Destroys lingering hangover.
Has attained cult status.
Prolonged use leads to wanton carnality. Yes, that's a pro.
It takes a community to make. Makes for great bonding, as in the-tribe-has-worked-together-toward-a-common-goal kind of thing. Assign specific duties and you will see what I mean.

Cons:

Accelerates the flow of time.
Goes quickly.

Implements:

One 5-gallon mixing container.
Big spoon. No, not Mike Y.
Large plastic cups.

Ingredients/variations Tried:

Beer-Coors Light or Miller Light will do.
Vodka-you can go on the cheap here, but as your attorney, I would advise one big honkin' bottle of Skyy.

Conclusions: As noted above, this drink has almost attained a "cult" status. Let me explain....

If talking to an unfamiliar PSU alum, mention the term and what is in it. They will either knowingly nod with a smirk, or will give you the look my dog used to give me when I would urinate with him outside on his morning walk. That is, a look of bewilderment. Instinct will tell him/her that beer and vodka in the same concoction is a bad idea. Then the alcoholic instinct kicks in. Another way to get f'd up on gameday? Sign me up.

In the tailgating environ itself, the first question normally asked by a rookie has to deal with what is in it. There face will turn sour, and they will seem reticent. I know I was.

Then they slowly knock the first cup back. Bliss ensues, and then they realize all the pros are already quickly devouring the juice. Soon there will be none left.

Possible Side Effects:

Most Notable Experience:

Last year, the crew (pictured above. note the container) traveled to Michigan. We located our tailgate at the high school across the stadium, and next to the entry way to the high school fields. Within one hour, my friend Kevin had the cooler on his shoulder and all PSU fans entering were sticking their heads out of the car, and taking long gulps. God, I love being a PSU fan.

What I Hate Most.....

2008-04-30T11:14:00.002-04:00

...About college football could probably be summed up in these articles:

http://sports.espn.go.com/ncf/news/story?id=3373792&campaign=rss&source=NCFHeadlines

http://sports.espn.go.com/ncf/news/story?id=3372704&campaign=rss&source=NCFHeadlines

A meeting of all of the heads of the major football families was called in an oceanfront resort. That's the first problem: these meetings should be held in not so forgiving climates. Say, Fairbanks in February. With nothing to do but stay inside, I am pretty damn sure that more would be accomplished in a shorter period of time.

Second problem: admittedly, I may be reading too far into this, but why does ND have as much say as the head of a major athletic conference?

Mike over at BSD already echoed how many of us feel about ND influence on college football scheduling, so I'll let him tackle that one. Football pun, get it?

Moving on; this quote gets me:

"I continue to sense a certain comfort level, if you will, with the current status of things with the BCS," BCS coordinator John Swofford said after Monday's session. "I think it's been a pretty stable few years."

It's been a stable few years in that 1) OSU gets destroyed in the BCS championship game (not that they have horrible teams, but still...), and 2) we don't get the two best teams in said game.

Onto Jim Delany, aka the boy-king of the Big 10. Here are some relevant quotes:

"Big Ten commissioner Jim Delany said Monday that moving to a plus-one would equate to a playoff, and he sees no support for that option among the league's presidents."

"'The perception that the Big Ten and Pac-10 are holding this back is not right,' Delany said, after exiting a Tuesday morning meeting of conference commissioners and bowl and television representatives at an oceanfront hotel here. 'We're seen as obstructionists when we did what we did to evolve the system. The calls for change are external. Ask others here how strongly they feel for a call for change. I don't see it.'"

"'I think there are a lot of other people who like where they are, but they should say it," Delany said. "There are others in the room who like where we're at. There are no raised voices here. Everybody's mind is open for discussion.'"

I am sure on this occasion, as with many others, Coach Paterno, the SEC, the ACC, etc. will disagree with the intentional ignorance on display by the evil that represents my conference. Delaney knows he still has leverage as long as the Pac-10 stays with him, and the contract for the Rose Bowl between the two conferences continues beyond 2014; thus, he can still insist that the demand for a system that actually might work is just not there, until someone steps forward and directly challenges him. Petulant. Child.

Progress in sports is necessary. Sports evolve like most biological organisms: if something isn't needed or is excessive, it is removed. Roger Goodell has long since realized this truth: he has the greatest show in sports, and would like to keep it that way. A big problem for Goodell was the public image of the league (PacMan, Vick, etc.). The problem is still there, but has been greatly reduced in the relatively short time Goodell has been in charge.

So what should change in NCAA football? A plus-1 would be a start. Down the line, I would opt for an eleven game schedule for every team, no more, no less, and no mandatory amount of home games. In this way, we would rid ourselves of the cupcake schedules that PSU, and most other teams, are forced to endure. In short, in order to get to the playoffs, you will have to play a more interesting out of conference schedule. Admittedly, this might damage the smaller conferences; I haven't figured out all the angles yet so BACK OFF.

But still, I could handle an Alabama, or an FSU on our OOC schedule in lieu of playing Temple, Central Michigan, and/or Akron in the same year. The fans deserve more.

Please note that my most hated aspect of college football right now is not the diploma mills (OSU), the gladiator academies (USC), or the convicts produced (most any Florida school). It's the people who run the show. What I believe they fail to realize is that college is THE show on Saturdays for most of the football world. The money will always be there, I would just like to see them man-up, and improve the system for the good of the fans and the game.

Philadelphia-We're not the only ones...

2008-04-28T20:56:00.007-04:00

...that act in furiously stupid ways.

Exhibit A:

...And Exhibit B:

Figure 1-1: Thanks, ya frogs....

On a meteorologically nice day, these guys would be dead. And yes, we might hesitate on killing the short, fat pig man. But only momentarily. This town loves roasted pork.

That is, to say, I understand what they are trying to do; it's just inane for the following reasons:

1) Rocky lost.

2) Every time someone puts a jersey on a statue in this town, that team loses. Seriously, it's the kiss of death. Let's just hope the streak keeps up.

EDIT: no sooner than I write this, Hatcher takes a stupid boarding penalty. The result: a 5 minute major, 10 minute misconduct, two goals and the game momentum go to the Habs. Is it because I touch myself, Lord?

DOUBLE EDIT: The Lord sayeth no, and smiles on the orange faithfull. He still hates Hatcher, tho'.

Lito News

2008-04-25T12:24:00.006-04:00

It's no secret that Lito Sheppard is now being shopped around to the likes of Tampa Bay. He would be a decent fit there. However, I just don't approve of the trade value being offered, namely a second rounder and Michael Clayton.

I just don't see it. Clayton had one good year 3 years ago when he was a rookie. Since then, guvna, as my grandmother would say.

It's also being reported now that St. Louis wants to get in on this hot action. Meh-they really don't have any players worth it, unless they are willing to give up their first round pick, which I doubt is going to happen.

Or maybe, just maybe, I am overestimating the trade worth of an All-Pro corner with injury/toughness problems.

Personally, I kind of would like to see how the trio of Brown, Samuels, and Sheppard would perform together. Hell, we get a good safety, and we might have a pretty formidable defense.

Speaking of draft picks, tomorrow is the first day of the NFL Draft, which is right in my wheelhouse for things I so do love. Classify it under the "flesh market", right next to strippers. My opinion of my Iggles' needs are as follows:

1rst round, 19th pick-need here is either OL or S. Phillips, the All-Conference S from Miami, looks like the best bet right now. He looks great on paper, but I just don't like football players from Miami. Except for Jerome Brown.

However, in looking at his stats and bio, he can cover, hit, catch, and blitz well. He would be a great fit for us.

Otherwise, I say go with Jeff Otah, out of Pitt. Big and nasty, but we will most likely have to offer trade bait at this point ot get him. He will not be available at 19. However, I would be just as happy with Chris Williams out of Vandy.

If none of the above are available, we could go for value with Rogers-Cromartrie. Guy's got all the tools, and he would be learning from all-pros. Or we could trade him away. Whatever they do, the Eagles had best not pull that shit from last year where they trade away the 26th pick to the f'n Cowboys. Who did the Cowboys get? Anthony Spencer, the man two top-5 draft picks (Joe Thomas and Levi Brown) called the "hardest DE to stop". But hey, we got some guy named Kolb.

My final thought is that I cannot believe the amount of people that are stating that the Eagles will be taking a WR with their first round pick. More often than not, first round WR are busts. Ol' Andy tried this once with Freddie Mitchell, with horrible results.

uh-oh

2008-04-23T17:26:00.004-04:00

Figure 1-1: Don't say "blood". It only gets him excited.

http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=3362701

To be brunt, the man is a beast. The good? The Eagles made a legitimate bid for him, which is nice to see given that the offseason usually revolves around who we are NOT trying to pick up. Still we didn't get him. Funny how the littlest offerings can mean so much when the bar is set that low.

The bad? Jared Allen is now in the NFC, which means there is a distinct possibility that we will play him. Further, the Vikes' d-line was pimp to begin with-having Allen just ups the "oh-shit" factor.

As for the Vikes: did they make the right choice? Let's see: the Vikings give up the 17th pick of the draft, and had to restructure his contract to 6 years, 74 million, 31 of which is guaranteed. Besides the massive cap hit they are going to have to deal with when purple Jesus comes up for negotiations, it could prove deadly. Further, the Vikings still do not have a consistent quarterback.

So, I guess the game plan here is to rely on defense and running the ball while NOT developing a quarterback. Where have I heard that before?

Have the Vikings improved? Yes. Have they improved where they really need to? I am not sure-I perceive them as being a little short in the OL as well as QB and WR: losing their first round pick means they will not pick up a pricey first rounder, but also risk the lack of redundancy that multiple first and second round picks provide.

So yes, they have gotten better-New York has fully proved that even a competent QB can win the super bowl provided their defense dominates. Let's just hope for the Vikes sake that ol' Jared can stay away from the booze. 3 DUIs in 4 years = Jared on the short leash of the commissioner.

EDIT: if Jared stays out of trouble until September, two of his strikes are going to be erased. If I was in any way dependent on him, I would have taken his keys away a long time ago. Probably while he was passed out.

As for the Chiefs-look for them now to bolster their lines in the first round. Losing Allen is going to kill their line, so DE at 5th pick, OL at 17th. Should work out.

Favorite Talgate Food/Drink

2008-04-14T17:56:00.007-04:00

"Gluttony ain't a sin if it's good and you ain't full".

In an ongoing effort to destroy your cholesterol count, the second post in this reoccurring feature will be dedicated to that subtle little appetizer...

Marinated Mozzarella

Figure 1-1: Lactose intolerant people would find these worth it.

PSU Tailgate Experience:

2005: B & W, Minnesota, Ohio State, Orange Bowl
2006: Central Michigan (i think)

Suggested Purchase Amount: Go for the big container, fatboy. Cram that shit in.

Purchase From:

Claudio Specialty Foods

924-26 South 9th St.

Philadelphia, PA 19147

Toll Free 866-313-FOOD • Tel:(215) 627-1873 • Fax:(215) 627-2320

Notes: Ask the nice Italian lady behind the counter for storage tips. She is a nice woman, but virtuous. Further, most supermarkets now offer good knock-offs of the fresh made stuff. Just rinse it, add a few tablespoons of olive oil, and some dried basil, oregano, and red pepper to get the suitable clone.

Pros:

Easy to store
Keeps fresh remarkably well
Watching Richard (not pictured) lose it when I used to bring them to his apartment for games
Tastes clean
Everyone loves mozzarella
Dick jokes

Cons

Some jerk will loudly announce his stupidity by alluding to something made by Polly-O. You may correct them in any suitable fashion, which for me would be tossing the obligatory vegetable dish at their heads, because nobody comes to a tailgate for rabbit food. In fact, I recommend you toss it regardless. Hi jinx ensue...
Jerks who will start popping them in their mouth, and then reach back in the container for more with their bare hands.

Implements:

Toothpicks. Don't bring many, because the above-mentioned jerk will eventually show up, leading to a bare fingered free-for-all-slobber-fest. Insert genital humor here.
Napkins. They are covered in olive oil.

Serving Instructions: Buy them, rotate'em every 6 hours if need be. Place them anywhere in the tailgate. Start seeing who can sink one in their friend's mouth from long distance. Again, genital humor.

Conclusions: You really can't mess up with these. Everyone likes them, and it works in all weather conditions.

If you really want to appease the salad folk after throwing their dish at them, just tear up some fresh basil, halve some grape tomatoes and the mozzarella, and add all components to a large bowl. Thoroughly mix, and add some drops of Balsamic Vinaigrette to it. Remember, chicks dig someone who can cook.

I was really down...

2008-04-12T15:51:00.002-04:00

...this morning. I was hungover, the Flyers pulled one of the greatest choke-jobs in history, and RUTS and BSD were both reporting that Sean Lee had seriously injured his knee. Verily, my mood matched this awful weather.

Then I got the great news over at GCobb. No more Gumble f'ing up my good time on the NFL network. Raise your screams to heaven, chilluns, because this is proof that there are football Gods. Bryant Gumble, hands down, was THE WORST football broadcaster ever. EVER. At first sitting, listening to him was laughable, if not a little annoying. Kind of like a dog humping your leg.

Then he starts making errors that nobody involved in football should ever make. For example, he called the QB of the Dallas Cowboys "Rick Romo". That is just inexcusable.

Bryant should just go back to what he knows:

Figure 1-1: Street Justice

If you have never heard of GCobb before, you should definitely make it a daily ritual. The guy has great contacts-he was the first one to break the story of Asante Samuel going to the birds.

Favorite Tailgating Food/Drink

2008-04-07T19:37:00.006-04:00

In this new section of the blog, i will shamelessly hawk food/establishments that I personally feel are relevant to the ultimate tailgating experience. Most of my selections will up the risk of premature diabetes, but well worth the risk. Some areas of consideration in the pros and cons include cost, taste, mess, and ease to prepare while possibly intoxicated.

As my father once told me, "Gluttony ain't a sin if it's good and you ain't full". And with that sentiment, the first food of relevance is.......

Roasted Pork Sandwich

Figure 1-1: I will knock down your pregnant wife to get to one of these

Should be served on/with: Amoroso roll. This is not negotiable. Toppings include extra sharp cheese, peppers (roasted or hot), raw onion, and/or broccoli rabe.

PSU Tailgates Experienced:

Boston College 2003
Blue and White 2005 (people were fighting over the juices. Zac won)
Temple 2007. Bought too much, we didn't have the table space, and limited time killed this one. plus, when the game was over, John G stepped on it while he was stealing rolls from me. Asshat.

Suggested Purchase Amount: 5 lbs will easily feed 15-20 people

Purchase From:

Lennys Italian Deli

900 Fayette Street

Conshohocken, PA 19428

(610) 825-4569

Notes: Make sure to tell them that you are taking it to a tailgate within a certain time frame. This way, they can freeze it for you if you don't have refridgeration means. Have lots of napkins ready.

Pros:

It's pork. On an Amoroso roll.
It is incredible.
It's pork.

Cons

Expect non-Philadelphians to shy away from the extra sharp cheese. Harass them.
Time limit. You'd better eat quick before it soaks through. Shouldn't be a problem (for men), unless you have a slow eater. Screw them, more for you.
Table limitations. You need some catering equipment.

Implements: Catering tray stand, catering tray, water, tongs, chafers, incendiary device.

Serving Instructions: Let tray of seasoned swine defrost overnight. In the morning, make sure you do all your prep work before heading out, and clearly mark your spot on the table for the stuff. Start early-it takes about an hour to fully heat up.

Conclusion: This was pulled off successfully twice; once by myself, and once by my parents. In both cases, the weather accommodated, and there was plenty of forethought. The Temple game was a nightmare; i bought too much, it was brought out too late, the table was small, and people didn't know what they were doing.

Still when it worked, it was bliss.

And so begins....

2008-04-04T12:56:00.006-04:00

...another year as a PSU fan. Like the cherry blossoms that chicks dig here in DC, rebirth for PSU happens about every time this year.

Signing day for recruits has come and gone. If they opted for PSU, they clearly showed faith and good decision making by choosing the foremost producers of men outside of a military academy. Anyone that didn't is a loser and we don't need'em.

The obligatory know-nothing JoePa retirement fluff pieces produced at a rate of 3 a minute are published. What is substantiated? Nothing. What is conjecture? Everything.

Regrettably, the obligatory legal infractions have also occurred, leaving most of us too stunned with Quarless' stupidity to properly react. Snapping us out of the daze was Ridenour letting us know that he still exists, albeit in his own original way.

And spring practice has started, which gives us reasons to remember why we root for PSU in the first place. And that is the promise of football, and tailgating. Actually, that order is wrong; it should go tailgating, football, tailgating.

We look at these kids in spring training and savor every morsel that comes out of practice, like Stephon Green's blistering 40 yard run, the enthusiasm of our returning lineman (all starters!).

In the football doldrums that is February-April, we are reminded, on April 1, that spring is indeed smiling at us once more, with promises of sunshine, women wearing less, sitting outside at the cafe enjoying an iced-t, and enjoying a peek at our upcoming glory in the fall.

On a more personal level, autumn is now even more exciting in that this is the time of year we get together for our annual trip to a PSU away game. Pictured above is the crew who went to Michigan last year. Note the boundless enthusiasm displayed by all at 9 AM (Not pictured: same group at 7 PM staring at each other and silently fueling each others anger. Also, Sameena vomiting. Damn girl, you got soft).

This year we will be traveling to Purdue, and hopefully erasing the 0-2 curse these trips have wrought on our beloved Lions. So here's to 15 friends in two Winnebagos, all looking to a magical weekend in Purdue with eyes full of hope. And Old German.

You may have noticed...

2008-03-12T20:07:00.002-04:00

...the new banner above. If you have a problem with it, remember this:
-We finally beat Michigan in something football related. I need this little victory bad.

Kudos to Mike

2008-03-04T18:00:00.005-05:00

...over at BSD. He won the coveted B10 college football blogger of the year award, beating out such distinguished sites as MGoBlog and BlackheartGoldpants (which rocks the coolest, most Journey-esque logo of them all. Steve Perry, the silver throated mullet god, nods and smiles at Jebus and OopsPowSurprise).

Anyway, I just wanted to say congrats to Mike-he consistently produces a far superior product than I ever could hope to for. Although, Mike does not have the Seal of Akbar!!!!

Figure 1-1: BSD cannot repulse firepower of this magnitude!

I Keep having PSU Themed Dreams....

2008-02-15T08:43:00.003-05:00

Last night's was interesting. There were several.

Dream #1
Joe tried me out at LT. I got owned.

Then I moved to right tackle. Better results-it had to do with my stance. I wasn't squaring up to the DE, and for some reason, it was heavily stressed that i place my right palm on the ground, but have my fingers pointing behind me. And then my side dominated. Especially in short distance scenerios. YOU HERE THAT MO EVANS? I'MA GUNNIN' FER YOU, BOY!!!

So then they put me in a game. It had to be an early fall game due to temperatures being high with bouts of rain. The weird(er?) part is that we were playing Michigan State. We played very well; I noted that about every play was to Dwill who was led perfectly on each pass, and Devlin was the starting QB. Further, I was charged with multiple blocking assignments, most of which I performed.

I am 32 years old, severely out of shape, balding, and barely stand 6'. Yet, none of this occurs to me whilst slumbering.

Dream #2
Gameday in Beaver Stadium. My seats were over the Visitor's locker room, and none other than JayPa the Terrible was sitting in my row. What's that? Of course I wasn't wearing any pants, which makes the dream slightly more believable.

Anyhoo-I moved down onto the field (visitor's sideline) with some friends. We found some old wooden bleachers-like the kind they have at little league games.

What irked me about this dream is that PSU had changed their Jerseys. Numbers like 144 and 169 were in play(and yes, I know they are perfect squares. even in my dreams i am a geek). Further, the new home unis looked like the "third jersey" which nobody wants to buy. The only reason anyone should wear them is if some dippy relative bought one for you, and they are coming over while the game is on.

More disturbing was the play of the Lions. We were trailing BC 17-0 in the first half. The players were given every oppurtuninty to be in this game, but couldn't fall on a fumble, and Scirotto(sp?) dropped a gimme int. The stands weren't even close to capacity, nobody was cheering, and I couldn't hold conversations with my friends because of the lousy piped in music. Through hand gesturing, it was determined that we should head back to Harrisburg, of all places.

So there you have it. In one night, I had every PSU fan's dream and worst nightmare. At least in the nightmare Jay wasn't on the sidelines.

O Them Silly Injuns....

2008-02-14T17:25:00.005-05:00

It seems that FSU Seminoles are cock-slapping themselves after getting caught in another scandle:

"Florida State's sports teams will be on self-imposed probation for two years and some will lose scholarships because of an academic cheating scandal, the university said in a report released Thursday.
About 60 student-athletes have lost or will suffer some loss of eligibility. Two staffers, a tutor and learning specialist, already had been fired. No additional dismissals were listed in the investigatory report."

It's very simple, when you think about it. If you don't play football, you are fired/expelled. If you do, well, then I guess you are going to:

Miss the Motor City Bowl. You don't get to go to Detroit in December. Note:this is probably not a punishment.
Miss the first 3 games while the schedule is miraculously re-worked.
Lose 30% eligibility. Considering the remarkable graduation rate of their football players(57%) due to early entry into the draft, prison, baby-daddying, etc., this really won't make a difference for most players.

The point i am horribly trying to make is that I really hope PSU does not get like this, i.e. a program unaccountable for their actions.

This past year's off-the-field issues cause me great concern, especially when they happen to the same people twice in one year. Just look at the crap I wrote above-FSU continues to be a bad cliche of everything wrong with college football.

By the way, what the hell is self-imposed probation? When I was in college, I slapped my one friend's gal in the ass in a stupor. I apologized, and vowed to put myself on probation. But you see, it was March, and I was gambling heavily on hoops at the time. Long story short, I "punished" myself by sitting alone in the dark drinking whiskey while yelling at teenagers trying to play a game. Usually, I would wake up in a pile of my own sick.

Lesson learned!

Interesting:

2008-02-12T16:59:00.000-05:00

http://fannation.com/truth_and_rumors/view/39456

and more info nyaw:

http://sports.espn.go.com/ncf/news/story?id=3241643

Not saying he's guilty, but the allegations are pretty unnerving. Especially the alleged benefits his family garnered, including free rent, airplane tix, suits, etc.

Further, an agent named Michael Michaels (real name) has already settled in an earlier lawsuit with Bush-wonder if there is any confidentiality clause involved.

That, and how I got bowling-ball sized biceps, coming soon!

update: Lloyd Lake (seriously, do agents have to have unique names, a la porn stars?) has walked out of today's deposition being run by Bush's lawyers, citing "intimidation" as the reason.
Things are starting to look a little shady 'round there....

linky

Some Love for BSD...

2008-02-11T15:59:00.000-05:00

Mike over at BSD must have the patience of a saint. On Friday, he aired his displeasure with Shaw committing at the last second to Michigan.

Immediately, he was bombarded with comments denigrating his credibility, without paying attention to what the message of his post was. Even MGoblog slammed him, providing specific examples on how PSU did the same thing. Again, it missed the point.

What Mike was trying to get at (see edit below) was that it is rather dubious that a person who had committed to PSU signed an LOI to another school without notifying said first school. And that it occurred on LOI signing day. And that Shaw's friends are now going to Michigan. And that the B10 coaches have a gentlemen's agreement not to bother a recruit once he verbals.

I still believe Mike to be correct-his followup post was the kind of arguments that I fully expect out of Mike-accurate and thorough. The problem I have is how many reactions were so far off the point. I visited Michigan this year for the game, and I have to admit-their fans are well mannered, and for the most part, very knowledgeable about their team. I thoroughly enjoyed all activities peripheral to the game. I guess I just expected a better argument.

Edit: What I failed to realize (thanks joisy) is just how offended the Michigan folk were over what Mike had stated. After reading the posts a few more times, I realize what Mike posted could be considered slanderous, especially "stealing recruits". Ouch.

O, and if any Michigan fan reads this, the PSU fanbase really doesn't think we get screwed by the referees in general. Just Dick Honig.

I'm pissed...

2008-02-08T13:01:00.000-05:00

And here's why:

Figure 1-2: What a horrible message

Every blog I read (except for EDSBS and KSK. bully for them), at one time or another, goes off topic. Now, it's my turn.

The above pic was taken from the following story on CNN.com:

http://www.cnn.com/2008/US/02/07/berkeley.protests/index.html

Not that i agree with the cause, but protesters do have rights. The problem I have is with the message conveyed from the above:

Marines kill indescriminately
People join the marines to kill other people
Marines are killing the wrong people

To lay such a blanket statement on a self-sacrificing institution is downright unfair. Many Marines join as a means for a way out of an optionless future, many need the income, etc. Watch an episode of "Over There"* and you'll get a small idea of how dire some enlistees' situations just might be. Not every town is Berkely. Some people just don't have the options that others, like myself, have been blessed with. Others get to go to war and try to come back alive.

The U.S. military is always under the scrutiny of the world eye. Being the most powerful nation, the U.S. has to hold itself to the highest conduct standards. Media wise, this leads to the bar being set much higher for the conduct of our troops; hence why you hear more on what we are doing wrong than what we have really accomplished, or about a car-bombing in a public market in which women and children are mutilated. One slipup, and the military never hears the end of it. Hence, why the U.S. tries to go out of its way NOT to hurt the innocent. Read Stephen Coll's "Ghost Wars", and you will know that this is the only reason that Bin Laden is still alive.

Further, let's look at these "strange and exotic" peoples (i.e. "the enemy"):

They hate everything about our way of life
Their idealism is to die for a fundamentalist perversion of a beautiful religeon
They are not big on human rights

Suddenly, "strange and exotic" looks to be defined a little differently. Especially when "strange and exotic" is pointing the business end of a Russian-made Kalashnikov in your direction.

We are all aware that Joker stated said quote in "Full Metal Jacket". Yeah, it was a funny line back then. Remember, Joker killed off a dying Vietnamese girl with a .45 caliber slug to the head. If he had any reservations about killing an ancient people, i am sure they were lost when the sniper killed Cowboy. And it wasn't warning fire. It was the other, malevolent kind.

O, and one more small, insignificant thing. The Marines killed "strange and exotic" peoples in WWI, WWII, Korea, etc. Protest that, you smarmy, righteous, pricks.

Protesting is a fundamental right of this country, as is freedom of speech. With such liberties comes the burden of accurately representing your cause. Screaming obscenity-laced factless information while reaking of pot/shit/patchouli will not sway me to your cause (see Protesters, Mumia-abu Jamal). Nor will I ever give credence to some of the 911 conspiracies due to an obscene lack of proof. And while I strongly disagree with the views presented in the article, the misuse of a Hollywood quote on a t-shirt to promote a relevant movement sends on of the worst kinds of messages:"Will sell out people who have been covering our asses to promote my cause".

*Only recent miniseries that comes close to accurately representing what grunts actually are put through. Thanks Q.

Huh? Whazzat?

2008-02-04T08:33:00.000-05:00

Figure 1-1:Should never wake up prematurely

Penn State beat Mich. State in basketball? The Giants beat the Pats in the Super Bowl?

What year is it? Dammit, HOW LONG WAS I SLEEPING?

Yawn-Going back to sleep until the world regains sanity.

Hibernation mode

2008-01-30T18:46:00.000-05:00

Figure 1-1: Looking for caretakers who hate their families. Must

consider themselves a "dull boy". Axe skills a plus.

Putting the blog to sleep for the winter. Brief awakenings will happen for combine results, blue and white news, and draft analysis.

It's Monday

2008-01-21T16:25:00.000-05:00

...and for some reason i am at work today.

Just some quick notes:

Baker might be heading to the pokey. The DA is trying to revoke his bail. Sorry, Chris, but if you don't learn after the first felony charge....you should immediately transfer to OSU.
PSU landed VA all-state receiver A.J. Price. Big guy, at 6'4", with aparently good hands. His GPA gives me some pause3 (2.3), tho. However, Michigan offerred, and they know something about good WRs.

eh-don't feel like writing any more. Dan's is still talking to me.

Mahalo

It's not Friday

2008-01-20T14:49:00.000-05:00

...but it's never too late to issue the seal of Akbar.

Figure 1-1:"Although, the weapon systems on this Death Star are not yet operational..." Somebody over at intel just got his ass fired.

Three stinking games left.

Given that this is the last multigame weekend of football for a very long time, this will have to be the last week of the award. Which is sad, really, because I consider handing the award out as the only facet of my blog that actually contributes, in its own demented way. So know that in honor of it's last awarding, i am writing this in my underwear, reeking of Dan's Cafe.

So two games left. Who to pick? I could opt for giving the award to Green Bay, which would give them a historical two-week run. Plus, that would mean that the Giants would win. No such luck here, bub.

So the award gets issued to New England. Why? Fuck, I don't know. Make up your own rationale. How about we both agree that we hate all New England teams and their douchilicious fans, led by cunthat Bill Simmons.

Because of Simmons and his self-felating tripe, I now cannot stand any professional sports team out of that area. Fuck. Them.

The Cowboys' Season

2008-01-18T09:50:00.000-05:00

...in just 8 seconds!

Figure 1-2: That's all, folks!

Waka Waka Waka!

ugh....

2008-01-15T09:48:00.000-05:00

Was following the PSU/Minnesota basketball game in the interwebs because I do not have the B10 Network. It was looking like a statement game for this team; up 16 points in the second half on a very good Minnesota squad. Needless to say, they found a way to lose, which is still kind of excusable when you think about our team. I mean, it is PSU basketball. Still it hurts because one aspect of the game that can be directly blamed for the loss is free throw shooting.

PSU went 8-21 from the stripe in the second half. I am pretty sure that I could do better, and I really never played basketball. The euphemism that describes my game is "chucker", but I know that I could hit at least 9-21.

So what's the problem? I would think that hitting a free throw must be considerably easier then, say, hitting a mid-distance jumper with some guy's hand in your face. Eh, maybe I still have much more to learn about the game, but other teams have to look at that stat and figure intentional fouling into their gameplan. Still, PSU is 10-4, and provided they win another 8-9 games, have a valid shot of getting into the NCAA tournament.

In other news, after 6 months of not being sick, I have now caught my 3rd illness in just under a month. Which sucks, considering how much more amplified the symptoms get in the winter.

Weekend Updates

2008-01-13T20:09:00.000-05:00

First the good news of the day. Justin King has decided to forgo his senior season at PSU.

http://www.bwi.rivals.com/content.asp?CID=761216

King came in our school as a highly regarded prospect, and exceeded expectations his first two seasons with the Nits. He had a rough go this year due to injuries and lack of pressure on the QB.

I think King more than made the right decision. I believe he is graduating a year early, and it would be the right time for him to go. He has all the characteristics and raw talent that NFL scouts like, and he will do well for himself provided he has a strong combine. I expect him to go mid-late 2nd round, and would absolutely love for the Eagles to grab him. The Eagles have a great tradition of molding all-star CBs. This is all provided that the Birds' CB coach stays, and does not accept a position elsewhere.

What does this do to PSU? Wallace is returning, and our defense will improve(and hopefully stay healthy) next year. Hopefully, Timmons will get the message that he is on Joe's last good nerve. I don't think it will hurt us all that much, really. Then again, we all fully expected PSU to have a dominant defense, but we all saw what happened there.

So good luck to King. He played well, is graduating, and I wish him the best of times. Just don't go to any other NFC East teams. Selah.

Looks like my picks were spot-on. No, wait, what's the opposite of that...sucking poo. Some notes:

Figure 1-1: "The Seahawks were due!"

The only game i got right was the Pats beating Jacksonville. I'm a freakin' regular Creskin.
The Giants just kept getting stronger as the game went on. The Cowboys just couldn't do anything right after the first drive of the second half. And Romo still made a mistake at the end of playoff game, ruining the Cowboys' hopes 2 years i a row. Very unclutch, which I thought was Eli's job.
The Chargers got heart. Except for Rivers, who did his Morelli impression of getting into it with the fans at a game.

Basketball rundown tomorrow.

It's Friday....

2008-01-11T11:14:00.001-05:00

And you know what that means:

Figure 1-2: "Move the fleet away from the Death Star"? You Pussy.

Interesting matchups this week to choose my trap game from. The most obvious choice is the Cowboys/Giants matchup. Why obvious? Let's look at the rundown:

Tony Romo. Besides playing his worst football of the year going into the playoffs, his team has turned into a de facto MASH unit. Guess who gets to play "Hot Lips Houlihan"? No, not T.O.
Again, Tony Romo. He can be directly blamed for last year's snatching-defeat-from-victory highlight. You know, the one that prevented my roommate from talking to me for 48 hours because he was so upset. One would think that Romo would be motivated to make up for last year's impression of "Ben Hands"*. But no, he's off scoring with some blond ditz down in Mexico. With her father, of course, properly supervising every sexual encounter. F$%king creepy, that's what that is.
The New York Giants defying everyones' expectations and playing strong football, despite injuries and Eli Manning. On a side note, last week's victory more than insures that Coughlin will not be fired. Which is kind of cool, considering how much I love to see the "Tom Coughlin" look of perplexion. I imagine that he has this look when he comes home one night to find his wife in bed with Belicheck, and thinks "What the hell? Wait, that's Belicheck. Should I join them? How should I act? I mean, it's Bill freakin' Belicheck. I should say something. Something cool, that would totally save the moment. O god, he's finished and leaving. Say something, you fool! Awkward..."

Nah, it's just to easy to go with the herd on this one and predict the upset. I fully expect Dallas to win. Note that I am not rooting for either team, but rather want to see Eli Manning in pain.

Dallas 27, Giants 10.

What about the Jax/Pats matchup? Again, too obvious. Although I hate everything about New England, and would love to see the Jags win, it just ain't gonna happen.

Pats 24 Jax 21

What about the Colts/Chargers matchup? No such luck there. I have no vested interest in this game, other then to see Rivers' overrated ass go down hard. Seriously, other teams are doing more with less talent then he has surrounding him. See Jacksonville, and the NYG. I am pretty sure that even the Sex Cannon could properly operate this team. The problem herein lies in that I like LDT, and believe he deserves more. Of course, if Eli had stayed on this team, I would be praying for San Diego fires to re-ignite. What, too soon?

Colts 33 Chargers 13

And that just leaves the Packers/Seahawks matchup, which is just dripping with latent trap game scenarios. January in Lambeau, Farvre, a resurgent team, etc. Everyone is rooting for them. Well tough titty for them. This week's Seal of Ackbar goes to said matchup, specifically to GB, because:

Green Bay in January? I believe Mike Vick vanquished that myth.
Seattle looked impressive last week.
Hasselback will not be dumb enough to make any pretentious statements, thus angering the football gods. BTW, Farvre is not a football god. More like a demi-god. Like Hercules, but with more painkillers.
Speaking of said deities, they do not look kindly on this type of crap (thanks KSK):

I made it to the :23 mark before reaching for the ether. I lasted longer watching 2girls1cup.

So there you have it. Green Bay fans, your fatness pleases the gods (and myself for that matter), but you gotta admit, you brought this upon yourself. Or at least, a power mad grade school music teacher did. I suggest you go fix his ass before prediction turns into reality.

Packers 17 Seattle 21. Favre throws a game clinching pick, and domestic abuse spikes across the Midwest.

*"Ben Hands" is an affliction first diagnosed back in 2000, when our Quaker friend showed blazing speed, but an almost preternatural ability NOT to catch a football.

And now 6 months of ennui

2008-01-08T09:47:00.000-05:00

Figure 1-1: PSU goes into hibernation.

So OSU lost last night, and the college football season is over. Personally, I couldn't cheer for OSU last night. I have respect for Boeckmann, Wells, and the OSU DL. Still, Laurinitis just bugs me. I watched the first half of last night's game, with special attention payed to said award winner. He couldn't shed a block, was not challenging the LSU RBs to do anything special, and did not impress me in coverage. When he did get a tackle, he was usually NOT the first person in.

I don't see it. James L. has a very special DL, and they make the majority of the plays. I personally think Grant played better, but for some reason Laurinitis kept getting compliments. I hope I wasn't the only person who noticed.

The best thing for James to do right now is to stay another year at Ohio. Last night, he didn't even appear competent, and showed no real instinct. He is not even close to AJ Hawk at this point, and any team that wastes an early draft pick on him seriously needs their GM's head checked. Of course, his draft value is still high, will have a good combine, and he probably will enter. I'm just glad that the Eagles don't have an urgent need for LBs right now. Of course, if they get Connor, I will not complain.

So now no more college football, at least until late April. Selah.

I hated this time of year at PSU. No football until April, but by then anyone with a decent major was getting ready for finals, preparing for some kind of research project, etc. It sucked. Compound that with the absolute horrorshow that is the weather/lighting conditions at PSU from Jan-May, and one has the answer to the question of increased domestic abuse. It's cold, like the north pole of Neptune cold. The sun doesn't come out, and the wind always kicks up on the East side of campus. Coming home at night gives ya the flavor of how the Germans felt on their long march back from Russia.

Personally, I feel that many of us MEs had it worse. A good portion of our classes were in Leonard or EES, which is located out by the golf course. This involved crossing Atherton, which if you hit the lights just right was a small victory in your day.

Really, there is nothing to do up school but go to class, work, and drink. And drink. And drink.

It would seem that I hated PSU from the above passages. This interpretation would be largely incorrect. For 2/3 of the year, PSU is heaven. One has to rely on good friends, booze, hockey, nicotine, and the occasional trip to Sera-Tec for plasma "donations" to distract from the bad months. Which are all solid, considering they all contributed to somehow shortening my life (even hockey. always had to watch at the sports cafe. stupid pitt broadcasting area). The point i am horribly trying to make here is that PSU was worth it. I would do it all over again. Twice. Maybe next time i'll choose a different major, tho.

On to new matter. I stated above that one has to fill in the gaps while you were up there with mind-altering (legal) activities. Since I don't have to make any more trips to sponge out my plasma, and am trying to quit smoking altogether, the void has to be filled. Most people, myself included, turn to sports. Since my ankles suck and can't play rugby anymore, i decided to start passively looking around.

Once in awhile, like this year, PSU is showing up with a (relatively) good basketball squad. We've won our B10 openers on the road agains speed bump Northwestern, and more importantly, the struggling Illinois team. So good for us. I hope I don't jinx it, but I think I'll start following them. College hoops still has that air of dignity that the pros haven't possessed since Jordan entered the league. So for the future, expect draft updates, legal updates, and maybe some extremely uninformed basketball data. Also, follow the links on the side to TNL for wrestling info, and BSD for more informed opinions about everything.

IT'S FRIDAY.....

2008-01-04T13:31:00.000-05:00

And you know what that means....

Figure 1-2: "We can't repulse firepower of that magnitude"

Editor's note: I talk to lawyers quite a bit. The one yesterday ticked me off by asking to prolong an interview until next week, because he was going out to Seattle for the game. Besides billing his client at 300/hr just to talk to me, my morning was ruined due to 3 hours preparation for said interview. On a side note, his client is an idiot, judging by how he picked such poor representation.

Technically, one would think that there really isn't any trap game of the playoffs due to both contestants having been good enough to reach the postseason. Supposedly. The horrific NFC just flashed you the middle finger and said nuts to that. This week's Akbar award goes to the Seattle/Washington matchup.

Washington is coming into the post season riding high (*coughportiscough*); the defense has been playing lights out, and whatever hobo they found to QB can competently manage a game. Seattle, however, is playing like dogshit.

This is why the trap is on for Washington:

Everyone is picking Washington to win.
One expects to hear a pregame heart rendering collage of why this team is doing it for Taylor. They will reference the fact that the 'skins won by 21 last week to clinch a playoff spot. OOOOOOOOO. I am not impressed. If there was some kind of preternatural force at work here, i.e. the ghost of Taylor, I would fully expect that in this coming game, the 'skins will lose by 21. Why? Let's look at the "logic": it took Taylor a few weeks to get off his ghostly ass and influence a game, having expired a few weeks prior. Also note that the 'skins actually LOST their first game without him. Further, Taylor was a dick. This is the kind of move I expect him to pull. To will your old team into the playoffs from above (and deny the poor and suffering Saints fans. Jerk.), and then pull the rug out from underneath them, and then signalling exactly who did it would be the kind of move I would expect out of him. Even from beyond the grave, people really don't change.

So when the 'skins fall dick-first into the trap, don't come crying to me. You knew what you were getting into.

It's a New Year

2008-01-03T09:41:00.000-05:00

Thank God.

Below is a recap/update of all my favorite teams from the past year.

-Penn State: Failed expectations. This was supposed to be Morelli's maturing year, the one where he succeeds despite an undersized and under experienced OL. The opposite happened. However, I do feel good about this coming year. We have a favorable schedule, 16 returning starters, a good OL, a maturing DL, great RBs, CBs, S, etc. The pieces are still there. We need a leader and a little luck. And by that I mean a leader, LJ sr. to stay, and Jay to leave.

Michigan is known for developing QB talent, why can't we?
It is rumored that Collins at least had the balls to defy the offensive coaching scheme. Any chance we can get him back?
We need a placekicker. I do not want a game coming down to Kelly trying to make a FG over 40 yards (or any, for that matter). By the end of the year, he couldn't even force a touch back during kickoffs. Inexcusable.

Philadelphia Eagles: Too little, too late. With an OL that struggled the entire year, the Eagles were abysmal in the red zone. The DL was shallow at the ends-Abiarimi is not a starter, and Thomas/Cole had to shoulder the entire burden of the pass rush. We still need a WR.

Rumor is that the front office is meeting with Westbrook to restructure his contract. Praise Allah. The guy played every down he could and turned into a legitimate MVP candidate. Cancel his debt, give him a raise. Or better yet, overpay him again to make him act like the best damn RB in the league.
Drafting needs: 1) DE-we are very weak here. 2)OL/WR-i can't tell if this year's poor play was due to age, or just an off year. Everyone knows the Eagles still need a big WR. Curtis falters in press coverage, and Reggie Brown is only a legitimate #2. 3)S/CB-Reed and Hanson were godsends this year. We need depth-Shepphard has missed too many games recently, and Dawkins is on his last foot. The man is 35; Turn him into a coordinator, just keep him near the team. The D responds to him.
Preliminary draft-the Eagles resigned Gasperson, which means that they feel secure at WR not to draft one. Look for a free agent acquisition.1) Lawrence Jackson (USC), Jeremy Thompson (Wake), or Jason Jones (VT) would be nice fits and could definitely fall to the Eagles at the 19th spot.
Upside:Jordan, Bradley, Cole, Westbrook, Hanson, McNabb, Bunkley, Patterson, Gaither, Brown, Reed, Celek
Downside: Justice (even tho it is noted he played better against Buffalo. Wrong team from NY, but I digress), Jackson, LJ Smith(I hate him), Reagor, Kearse, Shepphard(sorry, too injured), Thomas (the one who renamed himself), McDougle (again, why does this guy have a job?),

-The Flyers-An excellent offseason restructured the entire team. This team is tough, gritty, and ornery. In short, a Philly team that won't lay down. They are steadily improving after a December slump. They like beating Pittsburgh.

I believe Les Bowen from the Inquirer wrote that the Flyers are slumping at the right time. It's tough to agree that slumping is a good thing; in retrospect he might be right. That putrid stretch at the beginning of December showed the Flyers their deficiency: everyone needs to play defense. Our D is still a step off, and everyone needs to step it up. Results? A three game winning streak, and Biron's numbers go back up. And hopefully I didn't just jinx them.
The Eastern conference is very tight right now. Hopefully, we get Gagne back soon, and make a good stretch run. I need to really look forward to a good Flyers team in the playoffs. This team provides the hope that wasn't there last year.

-The Phillies-Mozeltov for making an unprecedented run toward the playoffs, and thank you for giving this city a glimpse of the team's real potential. Even better, we knocked the Mets out. Take that, Seinfeld.

I hate to see Rowand go, but that is most likely going to happen. Best of luck to him, and I hope someone, besides the Mets, pay what he is worth. Utley, Howard, Hamels, Meyers, Kendrick, and J-Roll are locked in and this town is ready for the spring to roll around. I can't wait.

-The Sixers-I don't care.

It's Over

2007-12-31T16:13:00.000-05:00

Figure 1-1: A Happy Ending

Alamo Bowl Observations/wishes for next year

I was extremely drunk, watching this game during a wedding. The gaps were filled in the next morning by my DVR. Yay technology! Yay functioning livers!

Our o-line are a bunch of beasts when it comes to the run game. Royster will run for 99999999 yards next year behind them.
Congrats to Kinlaw on a successfully ending collegiate career. The man is the definition of class. He should at least get a tryout on an NFL team.
Congrats to Connor. You were no Poz, but I am pretty sure that only one person on this planet is. I thank you for everything you have done for the program.
Congrats to Terrel Golden on a great senior year. Given the person passing to you, it was more than I could have hoped for.
Good job receiving corps-you made up for a lackluster 2006 season, especially Butler and D-Will. Am looking forward to another year.
Kevin Kelly-screw you, learn how to kick. We have been extremely patient with your ass. Either start making tough field goals or get the hell off the team.
I wish Clark would have had a pass attempt. Regardless, good job luggin' tha rock. See ya next year.

Final Morelli Rant

Well, our abusive relationship with Morelli is over. Please note that before he left, he gave a final homage to the Sex Cannon.

God Forbid, he ever come back as a coordinator. Now go tend bar.

Despite my hangover Sunday morning, I felt great. PSU had won the bowl game, and we can finally put behind such a Fulmeristic year behind us. Please, no more off field distractions.

IT'S ON

2007-12-28T12:00:00.000-05:00

Peep this:
"One A&M yell leader, during a pep rally Thursday night, told the crowd that Paterno was "on his death bed" and "someone needs to find him a casket"

I know that i've complained about paterno in the past, but the following statement is in no way hypocritical:
Fuck the Aggies. You DO NOT attack the figurehead of my beloved football program. The only acceptable act of pennance would be for them all to go sit on a corncob.

That is all for now, as I need ether to calm me down.

Alamo Bowl (part 2)

2007-12-27T10:47:00.000-05:00

Some news concerning the sporting world:

The Pats-Giants game will be televised nationally instead of just flying solo on the NFL network. I would have more respect for said network if they flew an add which stated, "Look, it started out as a bet. We were drunk in an Indonesian whorehouse, using high-grade opium and doling out 4-year old Asians like they were Halloween candy. Someone said that we could sell football on a niche network even if we had the worst production values possible, and found announcers who couldn't know less about football. We were wrong. We will never try this (the network, not the vice) again. Our bad." I probably would forgive them. On a side note, to truly feel the impact, I suggest that (asshat) Bryant Gumble go on "The View" for two weeks straight, just so the women can feel our pain. Look, I know they have that whole childbearing pain to deal with, but this is far worse.
Philly.com is reporting some PSU players will not be making the trip to San Antonio:

"Five Penn State players, including starting defensive tackle Chris Baker, did not make the trip with their teammates for Saturday night's Alamo Bowl game against Texas A & M. Coach Joe Paterno had said Baker, reserve linebacker Navorro Bowman and reserve cornerback Knowledge Timmons would accompany their teammates, but that was before Centre County District Attorney Michael Madeira re-filed felony charges against Baker and Bowman for their roles in an Oct. 7 party in which they allegedly attacked and injured a man.
Timmons is facing misdemeanor charges stemming from the same incident.
Baker, Bowman and Timmons also did not travel with the team for the Nov. 17 regular-season finale at Michigan State. Also remaining behind was Willie Harriott, a backup cornerback and special-teams mainstay who had missed time earlier this season for underage drinking. He was cited Nov. 11 in Ferguson Township for driving under the influence.
Redshirt freshman tackle Tom McEowen, from Neshaminy High, did not travel with the team for unspecified reasons."

Word on the street is that McEowen is staying behind because he is academically ineligible. So bully for Paterno; there is some shred of team dignity left. That is until I saw that Morelli is refusing to talk to the media.

F-him. Play him for a half, then get Clark and/or Devlin in there. Then, pick up a competent QB coach. One that hasn't the first clue of what a playstation is.

So, instead of this being the swan song for one of the greatest LBs to ever wear the uniform, this is turned into the Morelli circus. Thanks, dude. Now go get a job tending bar, or whatever park management majors do.

The Alamo Bowl

2007-12-26T21:53:00.000-05:00

Figure 1-1: Note the sleazy hotel sign which reads "Crockett Hotel"

Well, enough of the complaining-what's done is done and now we focus in on San Antonio. Note: leave Brian Norwood behind to save on moving expenses.

I went to basic training at Lackland AFB, which is about 5 miles from downtown San Antonio. It's hot, and one's genitals get sticky. Funky, New Jersey-like smells ensue. Also, they have giant freakin' rabbits running around everywhere. And these beasts are not afraid of the scorpions. I believe they were the driving force behind "Donnie Darko".

Anyhoo, at the end of basic, everyone received an all-day pass to visit wherever one wants to. Luckily, my girlfriend at the time came down to visit me, and we*cough* liberally used her hotel downtown.

So we met up with my folks (who silently disapproved of her, but understood) along the riverwalk, and went to Dick's Last Resort. Which is the only redeeming feature of San Antonio-screaming at the waiting staff is encouraged. Further, I was allowed to discard my rib bones on the ground. It was glorious. Lastly, the Riverwalk constantly had wooden benches launched into it from said establishment. Verily, we found a taste of home.

Being now in a good mood(c'mon, I had meat and sex within 1 hour of each other), we made the obligatory trip to the Alamo. I did some fact checking on this one: a Catholic mission with 200 people held out for 13 days against 6,100 (1,500 involved in the assault) professional Mexican soldiers. You read that right. Last I checked, missions are not designed with siege repulsion in mind. What does this mean?

(any one or combination of the following apply)

The Mexicans attacked a religious order. God has hated them since.
The Mexicans had extremely dimwitted military leadership. Of course, Cortez sneezed and dominated this country in no time flat.
The US was just that...damn...good.

So there you have it: The US gave a valiant effort, fought for 13 days, alone, and got beat. Supposed to be a romantic metaphor there, I guess. I don't know. I tend to think that the people there are more symbolic of putting up a hopeless struggle because Texas, especially Sam Houston, couldn't get their shit together to mount a decent rescue mission.

As you can tell, this post was written in a holiday hangover state. I ate most of a cow and 12 pirogi. Plus, I do think my family is full of alcoholics. Badass, polish alcoholics that can drink your family under the table, and then polka your ass off. Yeah.

Final thoughts on the Alamo Bowl tomorrow. Until then, Merry Christmas.

Almost forgot

2007-12-12T14:16:00.000-05:00

It's been awhile, and the NFL has more than amply provided the flimsy premice to issue the Seal of Akbar!

This week's award goes to the New England Patriots, in their upcoming "effort" against the Jets. I suppose this doesn't really work because that would mean that the Pats are the Rebel Alliance, and we should be rooting against them. Why? Because FUCK THEM, that's why.

Still, the Seal of Akbar is the balls.

Ugh

2007-12-12T09:37:00.000-05:00

Figure 1-3: No need to panic

The recent slew of coaching changes gives me some pause. To start, safeties coach Norwood (Brian's pop) is leaving the program for Baylor. I have no problem with this-he has proven himself as a very competent coach, and he deserves his chance. Best of luck to him. PSU promoted Kermit Buggs, who scores a 10 out of a possible 10 points on the freakin' cool name scale. I just pray the man doesn't have a fat wife, for obvious reasons.

Last night, Petrino bowed out of the Atlanta job, for which I also have no problem with. See yesterday's post.

Lloyd "Get off my lawn" Carr leaves Michigan. Plenty of coaches are asked to take his spot, most notably Les Miles and Greg Schiano, and all decline.

The latest rumor is that LJ senior is leaving the den, so to speak. He can't leave, as he is by far my favorite coach. Not only does he know DL talent, he consistently produces NFL lineman. In short, he gets the most from his players.

The first vacuum I would like to address is the recruiting implications. To start, Norwood is our connection in the south. D'antonio Lynn, for example. I now doubt we will be seeing him in Blue and White.

What hurts even more is the recruiting gap if we lose LJ Sr. All reports indicate that the kids love this guy, and respond to him. Personally, I would like to see him as our next coach, but that will never happen due to JayPa and Bradley looking at the rights to succession.

We know from Kermitt's record that he does have a good history of coaching, and there was probably a good reason to hire him considering that Norwood is from Texas and most likely hates the weather in HV. But who is going to fill LJ's shoes if he leaves?

I hate to admit it, but FSU was right to name a successor. This at least puts aside the uncertainty of head coaching for the next few years. But we are not FSU.

In short, I fear that:

A coaching exodus is about to occur
Said coaching exodus is occurring because Joe is going to name Jay is his successor. Read that again. If that doesn't make you scream just at least lesser obscenities, then you really don't understand why our team was doomed to fail this year.

Of course, this is all rear-eschelon paranoia. But don't be surprised if you see my face on the above picture.

Also, I think LJ looks like Rolf, so it would entirely be a photoshoppers wet dream to see the Kermitt and LJ together.

Game last night....

2007-12-11T13:32:00.000-05:00

Figure 1-2: He's innocent, right? That's why he should gain his immediate freedom?

Did anyone else want to throw their beverage of choice at the tv last night when roddy white lifted his shirt, revealing the above t-shirt? When one makes these statements, it almost looks like a war-cry from the falcons.

First off, "free ookie" would have been much more appropriate. And funnier, considering it looks like a 3-year old's handwriting. In crayon.

(seconedit-i lifted some of this off of KSK. yeah, i am that lazy)Second, let's review the facts:Mike Vick lied about slaughtering a bunch of dogs. To federal agents, his boss, etc. Then he sort of admitted it. Then he lied about it again...on a polygraph. then he failed a drug test while out on bail. Then, the guy plead guilty.

And of course, he killed dogs in some of the most inhumane ways possible. And let's not forget the rape stand.

Ignorance of this magnitude, on both white and vick's part, should never be rewarded. Instead, the inbread mouthbreathers of atlanta still cheered.

I use mike vick as a metaphor for rampant ignorance, ghetto behavior, and extreme lack in human morality. They (his backers) use it for to signify one man's struggle against repression.

I am pretty sure MLK is spinning in his grave right now.

Edit-it just occurred to me that the above t-shirt can be construed as the falcons are giving away Michael Vick for free for any takers. Just get rid of him. If it were this, then I am a Falcons fan. Given the stupidity of the moment, i am guessing it is the former. So. Fuck. Them.

nuts, bolts, connor got

2007-12-10T10:24:00.001-05:00

Figure 1-1: An appropriate metaphor

No sooner than I bask in the warmth of Connor's Bednarik, some asshat determines that Laurinitis should win the Butkus award for the nation's best linebacker. Something seems amiss here. Let's look at the meaningful stats for linebackers (thanks TINNOMJ, and cfbstats)

"Dan Connor had 136 tackles this year, Laurinaitis had 103. Not even close, DC-40 Dominates.Dan Connor had 14 TFL, Laurinaitis had 8.5. DC-40 is better in this regard, it is a fact. Look it up.Dan Connor had 6.5 sacks, Laurinaitis had 5. Last time I checked, 6.5 is more than 5.Dan Connor had 6 passes broken up, Laurinaitis had 1.To be fair, Laurinaitis did have 2 Interceptions this year to Dan's 1. "

and in the spirit of fairness:

Jordan Dizon: 149 tackels, 11.0 TFL, 4.0 sacks, and 2.0 interceptions.

These are respectable numbers for Dizon, so congrats to his accomplishments this year. He did better than Laurinitis, as well.

So what happenned? Connor gets the award for best defensive player. Laurinitis gets the award for best linebacker. This seems a little counter-intuitive for me. Personally, I think Glenn Dorsey should have won the Bednerik, and Connor wins best LB. At least that would make sense.

it's been awhile.....

2007-12-07T12:54:00.000-05:00

Figure 1-1: Remember, Dan, that you have to defile the corpse by urinating on it. Otherwise, it just keeps coming back.

A big congratulations to Dan Connor for winning the Chuck Bednarik award for college football's best defensive player. He beat out the notable DT from LSU, Dorsey (can't remember his first name and too hungover to research), and the less notable James Laurinits. So OSU can sukkit. Every month some asshat from OSU goes onto Scout.com shooting his man-pleaser off about how their school is the real Linebacker U. Do you have better linebackers? really? what hardware did you get.....awwwwwwwww. While I do admit Laurinitis is a good in pass coverage, that's about all he does well. And run stopping is kind of a good think in a linebacker. I am actually kind of impressed he won it over the Dorsey soul-eater.

So now onto the bowl season. We got Texas A&M. Interesting matchup. Remeber last time we met they bragged about how their linebackers were better? Yeah, that was good times.

The only thing I know about the Aggies is that Bear Bryant was once their coach. And Tom Beringer was too, i think. It was an espn special about 60 dudes in the texas heat, sweating on each other, cursing, and shirts off. There may have been football involved, but who has time for that?

(note: this is my most flagrantly non-gay post ever. If you even raise an eyebrow to what i wrote above, you are gay, ande i will question your manhood in public)

They are also horrible at building towers. Too soon?

On to other news

2007-11-26T13:34:00.000-05:00

The Eagles almost beat the Pats last night. If not for two god-awful passes, the outcome might have been different. As my roomate put it, "Feeley throws the ball too late in the route, and then hangs it up there". Yeah, that's about right. However, I found myself thinking during this game, "Is it me, or does this OL only block for qbs NOT named McNabb?" Dunno. Still, an inspired performance like that is worthy of being chronicalled in an anthem by Rush.
Speaking of Futrama references:

Figure 1-1: Good News Everyone! The long wait is almost over

On to news around the Big Ten: Mike over at BSD is reporting that Kirk Ferentz is being considered for the head coach vacancy/power vacuum that is Michigan. Don't know what to think of this one. Iowa has underperformed since 2003. Other rumors include Tom Bradley going to Pitt as a result of Wannstache being demoted to waterboy.

In PSU news: Bowl announcements coming soon. Personally, I think a nice game agains a despondant Kentucky or Texas would be about right. Definately would watch that. Or an ape fight. Again, with the Futurama references:

Figure not shown because I couldn't find the picture from "Futurestock" of the Apefight. You get the metaphor.

Weird

2007-11-20T14:25:00.001-05:00

While writing the former post, i remembered the dream I had last night. In it, Connor and Bradley were being interviewed about the MSU game. Bradley was yukking it up while Connor had the look on his face (see above picture). Finally, Connor had enough, and responded that the DEs did not have enough strength to "toss the tackles of MSU" (his words, more or less), and that we should have never played that rediculous soft zone. He alluded to the defensive performance in the first and second halves, and the major differences.

Bradley looked visibly stunned. I then went on to a dream where it was chic for everyone to wear Magnum P.I. type mustaches, which is ninjas-with-lasers cool.

Final Thoughts

2007-11-20T11:22:00.000-05:00

The following is my summation of what is garnered from the 2007 trainwreck that ended in losing to MSU.

Many bloggers have already stated that this is a forgettable season. I for one, will never forget such wasted talent, such missed oppurtunities, and other tragic cliches to describe the Nitts season. I don't want to forget. Forgetting this season would not let me look back in awe of everything the 2005 team accomplished. Yes, I like to live in the past.

I put the onus squarely on the coaching for the shortcomings of this team, starting at the top:

Joe: cleaning the stadium was a great idea. However, you did not let them complete the season's cleaning. Further, destroying the offensive scheme the night before the Michigan game shows that either 1)you have no balls or 2)you have no faith in the offensive coaches. Lastly, you've publically gotten soft on the kids.
Jay and Galen: Shame on you for not standing up for your players. You did a shitjob in developing Morelli, and the fact that you use playstation games to train your players proves that point. Laslty, when an unheard of freshman RB is torching the MSU defense, you called four (4) pass plays in a game where Morelli, who is the antithesis of "clutch", is playing marginal. I guess I should thank you for giving the landgrant trophy back to MSU; that thing is a f^&king abomination.
Tom Bradley. What the hell is wrong with you? Playing soft zone so your d gets destroyed? Do you even understand what that does to their psyche? After the Illinois and Indiana games, it was even obvious to my mother that rushing 4 just does not work against a properly coached offensive line. Last week was an absolute disgrace, giving up a 24-7 lead in the second half to a team that went tete-a-tete with Michigan.

Don't get me wrong, I am very tolerant about mistakes. It's when you consistantly make the same mistake, or fail to adapt to the obvious (see gameplans from the past 10 years vs. michigan), one can clearly be labled as either dimwitted or insane.

I can not think of one example of a team, or season, that was ruined by its coaching staffs. Think about 3 of the 4 losses: Michigan, OSU, and MSU. I know our kids can out play the Michigan folk, and OSU might be a stretch. But, we'll never know because we simply got outcoached in every one of those games.

The caveat to this theory is the Illinois game: our defense made the necessary adjustments to beat Juice, but Morelli turned into the absolute clusterf#$k. Yeah, that's 2 f-bombs in one blog post. Clearly, I am very disturbed right now about the state of this team.

I wrote in one of my first posts on this blog that I don't know if Joe should be allowed to coach any more. I now have my answer. It's not just him, it's the people he has under him as well. What needs to be done? Previous culture just revolted and stormed the castle. Not a bad idea, I could use a little violence right now. For now, the coaching staff needs the metaphorical enema.

For one, I am now jealous of Michigan. LLoyd Carr is leaving, and they now have a great oppurtunity for change. We are stuck in a hopeless marriage that will never end in divorce. Kind of like the Clinton's circa 1985, but that turned out just fine.

...And Spartans on Attack

2007-11-16T11:07:00.001-05:00

Figure 1-2: A metaphor for minimalist warmongering

First and foremost, everything I have read about the Hub incident sickens me. I don't care what started it, do these players not know they are held to a higher standard? Could they be that stupid?

The short answer is yes. Reports stem from Chris Bell off the top rope, to a good old fashion stomping from the lineman. I'm through with these lesions. Suspend for first offense. Otherwise, get rid of 'em.

Baker needs to be banished from Happy valley forever. His thugginess belongs somewhere south of the border, but definitely not at PSU.

Timmons is done for the year. Additionally, he now has to change his first name. No player named "Knowledge" should be involved in two altercations in one year. That's just flat out hypocritical.

As for the rest(Phil Taylor, Abe Koroma, Thom McEowen, Chris Bell, Willie Harriott, Devon Fentress, Toriano Moody and Johnnie Troutman ), screw you guys for the rest of the season, the bowl game, and spring practice. Once finals are done, tell them to pack their shit and get out of town. Call them from the bowl game. Tell them it is mandatory to get involved in Jerome Hayes' anger management class. It worked wonders for him (see Notre Dame cheapshots). Tell each one of them they have to apologize to the graduating seniors for screwing up their team.

Think about this-would Joe have put up with this back in the 80s and 90s? NO, resoundingly. Back then, people were kicked off the team for having a beer at the airport.

Now what? We have a not-so-police friendly Michigan State coming into town this weekend. This is another team that should have beat Michigan, but alas, they cannot defend the long ball. Well, maybe that's not fair considering Michigan lost Tacopants to the Philadelphia Eagles.

My scouting of MSU comes from watching said game. The first half, they were awful. The second half, they decided to just keep the ball on the ground, with great results.

For PSU to win:

Pray that the underclassmen can step up.
Same offensive gameplan as Purdue
Michigan can run the ball effectively-Bolster the middle of the line with Connor. Keep Lee or Sales attached to MSU wunderkind TE Kellen Davis-he and Devon Thomas are a real threat to our blitz.
Maurice Evans has to wreak havoc again. I hate the fact that we have to rely on him due to incarceration, but there it is.
No more kicks returned for TDs.

I would be more optimistic if we had Bowman and Baker with us. But I can't be. This was supposed to be the season where Morelli becomes the leader of the offense, the D shuts everyone down, and free beer.

PSU 23, MSU 13. What can I say, I am indeed still a believer that somehow this team will find a way to win against an equally crappy MSU team.

Failed expectations

Chris Bell becomes a real threat
Best CBs in the B10
King a top 10 draft pick
Scirotto dealing out justice over the middle
Morelli becomes an above-average QB
B10 championship
12-0. We never had a schedule so easy.
Austin Scott channels LJ
Quarless channels Kyle Brady
Wallace starts at CB by week three at Michigan
We beat Michigan

Maybe that one isn't fair to Wallace. Bradley had a way of playing the corners 10 yards off the LOS. It's really not Wallace's fault.

Good Stuff

What did we do right? What do we have to look forward to? Please keep in mind these are all overshadowed by the off-field behavior of certain players.

The O-line becoming a frighteningly cohesive unit. Everyone said that this was the weak spot on our team. Ask our RBs how they feel about that prediction.
Kinlaw and Royster. First names redacted because I keep messing them up. I talked with them last week, and they forgive me. And by "them" I meant that girl's boobs I was staring at in the bar last week. They always forgive me somehow....
Derrick Williams-it took him awhile, but he is quickly becoming that exciting freshman we all knew from 2 years ago.
The receiving corps. Kudos all around.
DC-40 breaking Poz's record.
Ending our loss streak to Iowa.

Still, the negatives are greatly outweighing the positives. I kind of just want this season to end, kick some players off the team, watch Connor get drafted, and fast forward to a great blue and white game.

And finally...

This week's Admiral Akbar award goes to the Oklahoma/Texas Tech matchup. Again, with the flimsy premace.

Recap of Last Weekend

2007-11-13T14:42:00.000-05:00

The good:

The food.
I got drunk
PSU won
I got to see some friends

The Bad:

Philadelphia just keeps getting dirtier
PSU played very unremarkable football
Morelli fumbles again.
Event planners need to be castrated for their planning of the tailgating atmosphere. Here's why: 12 port-o-johns. 15,000 people. Nobody directing traffic. Level 3 riots at the one location that had'em. On top of that, they decided to bring a hook and ladder through the mob outside at around 10 am. Just stupifying. Organizers fully knew the size of the crowd that was coming due to the large amount of tickets sold. 69,000 tickets were bought.
God-awful weather. At least it kept the beer cold.

Again, Philly had the chance to show the out-of-towners what a great city it is. And it dropped the ball. In short, if Philadelphia can't learn to clean itself up, it deserves the reputation of being a nasty city. I'm pretty sure that all the trash causes an unhealthy situation for the inhabitants, hence why so many mutants are running around. And these aren't the good kind, like Jean Grey and her gravity-defying breasts. Nope. Kind of like pissed off moorlock-mutants. And they are breeding...

At least I have this week to look forward to claiming this trophy:

Figure 1-1: For the love of God, why?

Seriously, I would rather just have an out-of-conference rivalry, with say, 'Bama. Both fanbases respect each other, and they could play for the lion's tail, joepa's glasses, or Bryant's hat. All three are solid. Instead, we get to play for something that looks like a freshman's architectual design from the 70's.

I Give a Hoot..

2007-11-07T19:58:00.000-05:00

Figure 1-2: "Mr. Owl, does Temple playing at the Linc have anything to do

with the Eagles being cursed?"

Bloggers note: again, this is not the format i was going for. please bear with me.

That's owl-humor. Get it? Yeah, like you could come up with something better, so back off.

So now onto Temple, and then Michigan State, or as I like to call it, the Ashley Simpson part of the schedule. Not nearly as exciting as their more talented predecessors, but still good enough to masturbate to.

I will be heading up to Philly for the game. Apparently, the lots open 5 hours before kickoff, meaning that I will be openly intoxicated by 8 AM. What's on the menu? Brats, leftover beer from the Michigan road trip(American Ale gets better with time, right?), chips, and the coup de grace, 8 lbs. of roasted pork for sandwiches served with extra sharp cheese, and maybe some broccoli rabe. That's food that Britney Spears would sell her kid for.

What do I expect?

Temple is actually better this year, so it will not be a blowout until the second half.
Kinlaw gets the lion share (another mascot pun. am on a roll) of carries when the game is in hand.
Morelli doesn't see the 4th quarter.
We open up throwing deep

I am kind of interested to see who will be getting the reps in the 4th (knock on wood).

Prediction:

PSU 41, Temple 17

It's the DWill Show!

2007-11-05T16:58:00.000-05:00

Figure 1-1: Best game since being a frosh. Kind of a good thing.

Note:this is the fourth time i have reworked the format of this post. And it still reverts to some f'd up form that was not intended. Hence the lack of spacing, odd text centering, etc.

Caught the game at the CarPool again down here in Arlington with some friends. Better service, better food, same PSU results. Good times.

To make matters better, I decided to give myself the day off (from drinking) to watch multiple games. Let's just say I took some perverse pleasure in eating an entire bag of Doritos, half-nekid, in my bed while watching ND collectively soil theirs.

Of course, my slovenly bliss was cut short by my brother, who texted me that Michigan and FSU were now going to lose. Jerk. At least Rutgers and Nebraska were soundly thrashed.

Just to recap:

Defense

They rushed 6 almost every passing down, with good results. Yes, we did get burned a few times, but there was definite pressure on Painter to make the hurried throw. In short, we looked much better against a lesser offense.

Game balls go to Lee, Evans, Taylor, and yes, JUSTIN FREAKIN' KING.

Lee single handedly changed the face of the game on the goal line. Instead of stripping out the RBs soul, he decided to settle for the ball. Some say offensively we did nothing after the turnover, but getting from your own 1 yard line to midfield definitely improved our field position during the game. So we had that going for us, which is nice.

Even though the play on the line improved, Taylor and Evans stood out for the pressure applied.

Justin King. Wasn't exactly in "shutdown", but at least he looked angry enough to respond to those critical of him. Myself included. He knocked away a sure touchdown, tackled well, and played his best game of the season.

Offense

Derrick Williams gets the first game ball and highest praise. When the game was still up in the air, King caught everything thrown his way. He didn't waste time trying to make a move; rather, he just turned upfield and ran. And run he did, scoring off of a beautiful end-around. Shout out here for Lawlor, who sealed the deal with an excellent seal block. When he turned upfield on that play, I had visions of him blowing past Hawk....Keep it up, DWill.

Game balls to Evan Royster and the offensive line. The line performed admirably, giving Morelli all day to throw, and Royster highway-sized running lanes. I always say the tone of the game is set at the lines-in this case, the OL provided the means for lengthy drives, and ground up the Purdue DL. The culmination of which was Royster busting a 26 yard jailbreak to the endzone. Look again at Purdue's D after that play. They were done.

Morelli-didn't go for the extra mile on the run, didn't fumble, and provided enough accuracy on the pass in coverage that it couldn't be intercepted. The only really bad toss i my mind was when he missed butler streaking down the sideline toward the endzone. This exact route worked perfectly on Wisconsin, and ended in 6. Regardless, he made the right plays.

A smack in the head to Quarless. Way to kill a great drive on the goal line. Just unacceptable. And to make things worse, he jumped the gun again, but this time the results weren't as dire.

Jay and Galen-once again, great playcalling. Joe finally trusts these two-enough where we can go for it on 4th and 2 when we are only winning by 3 in the second half. And they called a qb sneak-again, thank you Lawlor for improving the position. You know what i mean.

Special teams

Someone take Kelly out. Seriously, kneecap him. To start, he isn't kicking the ball deep enough. Yes, I realize it is colder, but still, every time he kicks it short and in the middle of the field, we get burnt.

We put together a great drive at the end of the half, and he misses the chip shot. Luckily, Purdue was boneheaded enough to make contact with him.

Overall Thoughts

It really disconcerts me that many bloggers picked PSU to lose, and then overly criticize them when they performed beyond expectations. Man up, and give the kids some credit.
Someone needs to prohibit a mummer's horn in a bar during an early game. They don't go well with hangovers. My impression of the jackass who was toot-happy: What a great play, I think I'll blow this foghorn. Wait, nobody is responding positively. You know what, THAT JUST MEANS I'LL HAVE TO BLOW LOUDER!
Thanks go out to the underclassmen who sent the seniors out with a victory.
Dan Connor surpassed Poz's record, bully for him. I still think Poz would win in a fight.
O, and I gave myself some love, European style, for the prediction of what we need to do for this game. I am so smart. S-M-R-T. If I can state what needs to be adjusted to win and the other team doesn't read my blog, it's there own damn fault they lost. There, I said it.
Dorito crumbs are surprisingly edible the next morning. Even when picked out of one's chest hair. O, DON'T ACT DISGUSTED. I AM WHO I AM. I CAN HEAR YOU JUDGING ME.
The reffing. The effing.

Lastly, I got a good look at Purdue Pete. Let's just say this flashed across my mind:

@%#!$%!$#%!$#^%

2007-11-04T10:36:00.001-05:00

This site just lost today's post. Twice. Am too furious to write, because that was blog GOLD. I'm so angry i have to eat something. That had parents.