More Stuff...

By now, you should have heard about Maryland luvin' LJ Sr. like a fat kid loves cake; he hustled two more stellar recruits, Brandon Felder and Sean Stanley, from Larryland's talent pool.

Not that I am hating on the trend, but for us part-time (ed-lazy) bloggers, this sudden damburst of recruiting talent has left us struggling to keep up.

Since I am one hell of a guy (and handsome to boot), I will provide you other hacks out there with a time saving device that in the biz we like to call a form paragraph. Form paragraphs are a must in my line of work, and enable one to efficiently describes a multitude of situations in a timely, pre-written format. Kind of like Mad Libs for adults, sans the cockhumor.

Areas to be filled in/suggestions are in parenthesis.

(Date)

_______(FOS, RUTS, Rivals, BSD) is/are reporting that recruiting demigod LJ. Sr. continues his silver tongued ways, this time stealing the highly-touted ______(Maryland, Virginia) recruit ________(recruit's name) from _______(institutional name) _________(Academy, Prep, High School, Gladiator Academy).

For Defensive Lineman
______(recruit's name) finished his junior year voted all-_____(state, conference, metro) by the ____(relevant newspaper), racking up __ tackles, __ TFL, __ sacks, __ forced fumbles, and/or _____(other relevant statistic). Here's the gamefilm:

(youtube clip of him separating a "skill position" player from their shoes/consciousness/dreams).

The scouting report on _____(recruit’s name) describes him as possessing _______(a good motor, good technique, good explosion, balance, a high midichlorian count)

(HS coaches relevant quote)

_____(recruit's name) is reporting a 3.__ GPA, as well as ______(ACT, SAT, equivalency). Stars be damned, this kid has got offers from ______, ______, and _______ (VT, Michigan, Illinois, OSU, Texas, Maryland, Notre Dame, other relevant program), and it never hurts to steal one from those teams.

For DBs
____(recruit’s name) finished his junior year voted all- _____(state, conference, metro) by the ________(relevant newspaper), racking up ___ interceptions, ___ passes defended, ___ tackles, and/or _______(other relevant statistic). Here's the game film:

(youtube clip of a safety without a conscience, or CB showing blazing reaction skills. Special team return skills should be added as necessary)

The scouting report on _____(recruit’s name) describes him as _______(scrappy, deceptively quick, quick to react, gangbuster, ballhawker, smart, leader, Jesus-like)

(HS coaches relevant quote)

______(recruit’s name) is reporting a 3.__ GPA, as well as _________(ACT, SAT, equivalency). Stars be damned, this kid has received offers from _________, ________, and ___________ (VT, Michigan, Illinois, OSU, Texas, Maryland, Notre Dame, other relevant program), and it never hurts to steal one from those guys.

Optional
______(recruit’s name), also doubles as a return guy, so we could potentially get some bonus use out of him.

WR
____(recruit’s name) finished his junior year voted all- _____(state, conference, metro) by the ________(relevant newspaper), racking up ___ catches, ___ running yards, ___ TDs, and/or _______(other relevant statistic). Here's the game film:

(youtube clip of player one handing grabs, catching the long ball, breaking tackles, blocking downfield, hugging his momma)

The scouting report on _____(recruit’s name) describes him as having_______(having excellent hands, break-away speed, blocking skills, leadership skills, nunchuck skills)

(HS coaches relevant quote)

______(recruit’s name) is reporting a 3.__ GPA, as well as _________(ACT, SAT, equivalency). Stars be damned, this kid has received offers from _________, ________, and ___________ (VT, Michigan, Illinois, OSU, Texas, Maryland, Notre Dame, other relevant program), and it never hurts to steal one from those guys.

Optional

______(recruit’s name), also doubles as a return guy, so we could potentially get some bonus use out of him.

______(quote of recruit's reason for coming to PSU. Should include praise of LJ Sr., and not of other, less talented coaches)

Welcome to Happy Valley _____(recruit's name)!
_______ (WE ARE, FOR THE GLORY OF STATE)

So there ya go; next time LJ snags another big fish, just use the above, and save yourself some time. Modify as you see fit; however, if you do, in fact, use my above work, I demand compensation in the form of one (1) monkeyboy the next time I roll into town.

Pucks

Moving on to hockey, the Pens done got worked again. As With Leather has pointed out, this series is more or less an extension of this:

Ugh, I feel for ya Pens fans.

Potpourri

This rumor has been circulating since the Pens and Sabres played in the ice bowl in NY (ed-don't read past the third comment, as i did. As a rule, every post that mentions a team from Philly and a team from Pitt degenerates the reader on average in 4 comments. Just thought i would give you the heads up).

Personally, I think this move would show some extreme chutzpah by Bettman, considering offers are out there right now from NY, Chicago, etc. While PSU could set the record for the largest crowd at a hockey game, I could foresee the NHL going where the money is. State College is, after all, State College.

If it did happen, you could bet Cindy Crosby's vag that I would be there (ed-SEE?), wielding my ancient Rick Tocchet orange-road jersey.

In all seriousness, the Pitt team that ousted the Flyers was not the same team they faced back in March/April. Crosby didn't dive or complain, and routinely scared the bejeezus out of me with his preternatural passing ability. They looked like the Devils from ten years ago, but with more talent up front.

The question is, who to cheer for in the finals? Most Pens fans greatly infuriate me, and I am sure the corollary is very true. Still, the majority of the Pens fans I know personally keep it nice-no screaming incoherently, and they know a good deal about the sport. Except Zac, because he is a dick. He once told his mother to "Shut up or I'll spin kick you".

Then there is Detroit. Reports from Detroit were shocking to say the least-most games did not sell out at the Joe this year. Strange. I guess they better get an iron and lift the "Hockeytown" banner from the ice, which is kind of how they remove tattoos in prison. Maybe these aren't the same fans who once rode a Red Wing Zamboni all the way to Philly back in '97.

I'm going to have to go with Pitt on this one. Why?

1. I can only jinx them with my Philly mojo.
2. I can secretly live vicariously through my friends' championships.

Either way, someone wins.