Figure 1-2: "Move the fleet away from the Death Star"? You Pussy.
Interesting matchups this week to choose my trap game from. The most obvious choice is the Cowboys/Giants matchup. Why obvious? Let's look at the rundown:
- Tony Romo. Besides playing his worst football of the year going into the playoffs, his team has turned into a de facto MASH unit. Guess who gets to play "Hot Lips Houlihan"? No, not T.O.
- Again, Tony Romo. He can be directly blamed for last year's snatching-defeat-from-victory highlight. You know, the one that prevented my roommate from talking to me for 48 hours because he was so upset. One would think that Romo would be motivated to make up for last year's impression of "Ben Hands"*. But no, he's off scoring with some blond ditz down in Mexico. With her father, of course, properly supervising every sexual encounter. F$%king creepy, that's what that is.
- The New York Giants defying everyones' expectations and playing strong football, despite injuries and Eli Manning. On a side note, last week's victory more than insures that Coughlin will not be fired. Which is kind of cool, considering how much I love to see the "Tom Coughlin" look of perplexion. I imagine that he has this look when he comes home one night to find his wife in bed with Belicheck, and thinks "What the hell? Wait, that's Belicheck. Should I join them? How should I act? I mean, it's Bill freakin' Belicheck. I should say something. Something cool, that would totally save the moment. O god, he's finished and leaving. Say something, you fool! Awkward..."
Nah, it's just to easy to go with the herd on this one and predict the upset. I fully expect Dallas to win. Note that I am not rooting for either team, but rather want to see Eli Manning in pain.
Dallas 27, Giants 10.
What about the Jax/Pats matchup? Again, too obvious. Although I hate everything about New England, and would love to see the Jags win, it just ain't gonna happen.
Pats 24 Jax 21
What about the Colts/Chargers matchup? No such luck there. I have no vested interest in this game, other then to see Rivers' overrated ass go down hard. Seriously, other teams are doing more with less talent then he has surrounding him. See Jacksonville, and the NYG. I am pretty sure that even the Sex Cannon could properly operate this team. The problem herein lies in that I like LDT, and believe he deserves more. Of course, if Eli had stayed on this team, I would be praying for San Diego fires to re-ignite. What, too soon?
Colts 33 Chargers 13
And that just leaves the Packers/Seahawks matchup, which is just dripping with latent trap game scenarios. January in Lambeau, Farvre, a resurgent team, etc. Everyone is rooting for them. Well tough titty for them. This week's Seal of Ackbar goes to said matchup, specifically to GB, because:
- Green Bay in January? I believe Mike Vick vanquished that myth.
- Seattle looked impressive last week.
- Hasselback will not be dumb enough to make any pretentious statements, thus angering the football gods. BTW, Farvre is not a football god. More like a demi-god. Like Hercules, but with more painkillers.
- Speaking of said deities, they do not look kindly on this type of crap (thanks KSK):
I made it to the :23 mark before reaching for the ether. I lasted longer watching 2girls1cup.
So there you have it. Green Bay fans, your fatness pleases the gods (and myself for that matter), but you gotta admit, you brought this upon yourself. Or at least, a power mad grade school music teacher did. I suggest you go fix his ass before prediction turns into reality.
Packers 17 Seattle 21. Favre throws a game clinching pick, and domestic abuse spikes across the Midwest.
*"Ben Hands" is an affliction first diagnosed back in 2000, when our Quaker friend showed blazing speed, but an almost preternatural ability NOT to catch a football.