PSU Campus Riots (Again)

(State College, PA) The tranquil mountain summer of State College was again broken by the sounds of shattered glass as thousands of students took to the streets to vent their anger and frustration with their administration.

While these booze fueled mobs are usually synonymous with Arts Fest, this year it was different. This year, the PSU football coaches had the temerity to go and offer another high school quarterback a scholarship. And on July 10, the news broke: he accepted.

Robert Boldin is now the newest PSU recruit to verbal. He will be joining Paul Jones, another coveted QB, in what is shaping up to be one of the most impressive recruiting classes ever seen in Happy Valley.

Kevin Draper, (6th year senior, liberal arts) was one of the first to vent his frustration:

"It's like Fall of 2005 all over, man. Back then, we were coming off of a 4-7 season, Joe would do nothing about the current state of the program we cherish. I mean, my parents had to shell out $140 on freshman season tickets, and, like, he only had gotten one real recruit that year. So yeah, me and my roomate decided to go to his house that August and let him know how we felt. He kicked us off the lawn. This is exactly the same thing; Joe is letting us down again by stockpiling talent at one position when scholorships can be used to fill in other positions."

I then reminded Kevin that competition is good, PSU is getting monster recruits, and is looking to go to the Rose Bowl, or maybe go all the way. The delayed response I got was "FUCKING PIGS WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORIIIIIIIIIOTTTTTTTTT!!!!" Kevin was then mercifully pepper sprayed and detained by State College police.

Steve Head (junior, astronomy) echoed the sentiment of the crowd:

"The FUCK, MAN? We got Jones and Newsome, but now we get another awesome quarterback? What is wrong with the coaches? It's like, there is such a thing as having too much talent at one position. Ideally you actually want a top qb pick every other year so that you don't have a bunch of top talent guys receiving scholarships who are riding the pine. Additionally, it gives your number one the playing time he needs to mature into his position, like Morel.......PIIIIIIIIIGSSSSSSSSS FUCKIN' PIGGGGGGGSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS"

Steve then threw a garbage can through a window and then urinated in the street before being chased by the authorities.

-JD
11 July 2009

ZZZZZZZZ........huh?

Something woke me up.

Well, as long as I'm awake, might as well kick off the new season with.......

Know Your Lions

You know the rules. Today's topic is the one Sean Lee.

Note to OSU Fans: This is a solo tackle. These are important to LBs. Much more important than being the last person in on a gang tackle.

We all know Sean as the leader of LBU. Here is what you don't know*:

• Nickname #1: "Spinal Cracka'". Given to him by Lavar Arrington and Navarro Bowman after one particular intense practice/drinking session.
• Nickname #2: "General Lee". Dislikes the term because it's just too easy, and that Generals only fight from the sidelines.
• Knee ligaments surgically repaired using Dick Butkis' mustache trimmings.
• Sleeps with a teddy bear made out of razor wire.
• Despite claims to the contrary, was the real winner of the past Iranian election. Hence, the riots. Al-Jezeera will deny this.
• Hates the color blue.
• Is color blind.
• JoePa decreed that Sean can never be the "asshole" in said drinking game. Interestingly enough, Sean will still always finish his beer in polite fashion if told to do so for skipping a higher ranking member. Because thems the rules.
• Incapable of saying the word "I".

There ya go. Know Sean. Love Sean. Now sit back and enjoy the havoc he hath wrought.

*cause I fabricated it.

Closed for Winter

...See you after the Draft/B&W.

Sorry

The entire month of January was basically being spent at work. This is what happens when work backs up, your parents move to Florida, and you have to take extended time off.

That and you are pathologically lazy.

The good news is that I don't think anyone important noticed the layoff.....

Know Your Lions

As previously stated, it's very easy to watch PSU football, get lost in the game, and merely look at our players as athletic pawns in a college system. This cannot happen. These boys that lock it up for our entertainment every weekend are real kids. They have back stories, most of them far more colorful than the humble jerseys they don. It's just a shame that most of us will never get so much as a glimpse into their personal lives. This segment delves into a selected player's personal life to show us a little more of the person, and less of the athlete.

The next player in the queue for this feature is Josh Gaines.

Trust me on this: He is much wider than you think.

What you didn't know about #47*:

• Recognized by Guinness as the record holder of world's largest "sausage fingers".
• Despite the name "Josh", is not actually Jewish.
• Ate a brick.
• Most hated castaway was Gilligan. Because no matter what happened, Gilligan had FAIL written all over him. Much like certain ex-QBs of similar physical stature.
• Still wakes up crying over homeless dog his parents wouldn't let him keep when he was 10 years old, at mile marker 172 in South Carolina off of I-95.
• Has never shaved (his face).
• Holds PSU record for "Most Kickers Stuffed into the Trunk of Josh Gaines' Car".
• Refuses to play "Guitar Hero". Believes it's downright sinful to believe you are playing an actual instrument, when, in reality, you are just pushing any combination of 5 buttons. This does not impress Josh**.
• Earned the nickname "Robot Ham". His teammates won't say how.

So there ya go. If you have any further info on young Josh, feel free to leave it in the comments.

*because I made it up
**or because he can't play due to said "sausage fingers"

BIG TEN CHAMPIONS

So yeah, I was close in my predictions. Kind of. Well, maybe not. OK Kreskin, anyone who knew PSU was going to hang 49 on MSU, raise your hands. Didn't think so.

PSU came out sharp, executed, and kept those green helmets spinning all day long. I cannot remember a senior day where the seniors contributed so much. I am going to miss these guys next year, especially the receiving corps. Conversely, Odrick announced he is coming back, so look forward to another season of me slobbering all over him. Let's just hope Maybin does likewise.

Lastly, anyone know what Dantonio was doing taking two timeouts in the final minute of the game? Was it a protest? I don't get it.

Other Notes from the Weekend:

• Notre Dame's loss further proves Whitlock 's theorem. And also breaks the NCAA record for schadenfreude, formerly set by this game. ND has now had top-10 recruiting classes for the past 3-4 years. How in the hell can they keep this recruiting pace when they continually lose to inferior teams?
• Texas Tech provided a bizarro-PSU clinic on how to tackle. What I saw was horrible pursuit angles, arm tackles, and absolutely no heart in their drubbing. Congrats, Oklahoma.
• Before last weekend, I was a little torn on who I would want to face in the Rose Bowl. On the one hand, OreSU would be a game I know we could win, albeit a closer game than what occurred last September. On the other, I hate USC, and their failure to reach the Rose Bowl in such a lackluster conference would be of great insult to them. I am slightly leaning toward USC, even though it is a defacto home game for them. Given the results of Saturday, I say bring on the Trojans.

...and Spartans on Attack

This week a monstrosity returns to State College:



If ever there was a metaphor for a made up rivalry, it is embodied by the above. I don't want this doctored up file cabinet in the trophy case, and neither should Joe. My guess is that's why we let up a 17 point lead last year in the 4th quarter. Sure, that's the reason.

Playing Sparty at the end of the season is just that; a marker for season's end. There is no glitz of your typical rivalry games, e.g. Michigan vs. OSU. Hell, even this year I would rather be Michigan just for the chance to end our season with a hated rival. And that's the definition of "hyperbole".

Look, if you want to end the season with a bang, don't play for office furniture. A fitting end to this game would be rather ECW-ish. Quite simply, a ladder is placed at the 50 yard line in Beaver Stadium. Jared Odrick launches himself onto the trophy. The MSU and PSU seniors join each other afterwords for a sledgehammer party on the remnants. The splinters are then taken to Canada and buried. And we all do shots.

I would be satisfied.

This season, the game actually means something, but we all know it's an anomaly. For the most part, unless the above is happening or LJ is breaking 2000 yards for the season, the game is meh. Let's make this game worth something. I propose the following trophies/obligations the game should carry with it.

1) Joe's glasses:


He is arguably the most respected college football coach. His image is the personification of PSU football. I would kick a rabid tiger in the balls to keep the glasses where they are. And so would you.

2) Sparty's shield, sword, or helmet.


And yes, I know Sparty traditionally does not carry a sword or shield, but both would be easily recognizable representations of MSU tradition. Plus, any of the above would look totally boss hanging in Beaver stadium. Alternatively, the Spartan crest on the MSU Helmet could come off, which holds great double entendre. Too much? Maybe. But then again, scroll up to see what we are currently playing for.

3) The Lion's Tail


Bear with me here; I know it looks like the Lion is dropping a 2. Losing the last game of the season means that for PSU football games the following year the Lion will go tailless.

Like I said, these are a few ideas that would at least make the game more meaningful in off years. Personally, I really don't know what the Spartan's hold dear and could offer to the matchup, which kind of proves my point.

Sigh...I have a bad feeling about this game regardless. PSU has not lost a game to Sparty at home since joing the Big11 10, but that might change on Saturday. As of late, PSU has been starting out too slow, and the offensive line just has been steadily regressing as the season has progressed. MSU wins because:

• Josh Hull is slow
• Odrick, Maybin et. al keep getting raped at the LOS
• We don't dedicate ourselves to stopping Ringer
• We don't put pressure on the QB on obvious passing situations
• Clark plays too tight

MSU 27
PSU 20

EDIT: The Nittany Turkey outdid me, and for that, I hoist my jug of corn whiskey to him. Peep this:

"Wait! I’m getting an inspiration here! After I had my hip replacement surgery, I often wondered what the hospital did with the sawn-off top of my femur. I speculated on whether the surgeon took it home for his dog to gnaw on, or whatever. With Joe’s THR imminent and with it being inextricably associated with the MSU game, perhaps such clashes in the future can be played for “JoePa’s Bone”!"

Genius? Genius.