Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Know Your Lions

It's very easy to watch PSU football, get lost in the game, and merely look at our players as athletic pawns in a college system. This cannot happen. These boys that lock it up for our entertainment every weekend are real kids. They have back stories, most of them far more colorfull than the humble jerseys they don. It's just a shame that most of us will never get so much as a glimpse into their personal lives.

All that ends now. To get you (ed-even more so) emotionally invested in PSU football, please allow me to give you the smallest insight into our players. First on the list.....

Derrick Williams

We all know him as #2, the Greenbelt prodigy, a product of The Stable, etc. But these facts really do not give us any insight into the person; it is the minutae of life which defines us. For example, did you know that in the above picture, Derrick is not wearing a shirt? After his freshman year, he took his nipples off with a belt sander and had his jersey tattooed onto his body. True story*. Other interesting facts:

  • Had 2 extra canals implanted in each inner ear this summer. The result is far superior balance.
  • Can communicate with corn.
  • Has no fingerprints. The ridges on his palms and fingers are actually millions of microscopic setae.
  • Only person to successfully call Paul Posluszny "chump". Did it twice.
  • Hates being called "D-Will". Fears "Greased Pole" might catch on. Is toying with the idea of self-applying "High Heel", 'cause he routinely snaps ankles. Understands self-applying nicknames is against the rule, but is trying to find a way to breach the social norm**.
  • Whispers "Mr. Drummond" under his breath when speaking about or to Joe Paterno.

*not true
**like starting a blog

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