It's Friday....

And you know what that means:

Figure 1-2: "Move the fleet away from the Death Star"? You Pussy.

Interesting matchups this week to choose my trap game from. The most obvious choice is the Cowboys/Giants matchup. Why obvious? Let's look at the rundown:

1. Tony Romo. Besides playing his worst football of the year going into the playoffs, his team has turned into a de facto MASH unit. Guess who gets to play "Hot Lips Houlihan"? No, not T.O.
2. Again, Tony Romo. He can be directly blamed for last year's snatching-defeat-from-victory highlight. You know, the one that prevented my roommate from talking to me for 48 hours because he was so upset. One would think that Romo would be motivated to make up for last year's impression of "Ben Hands"*. But no, he's off scoring with some blond ditz down in Mexico. With her father, of course, properly supervising every sexual encounter. F$%king creepy, that's what that is.
3. The New York Giants defying everyones' expectations and playing strong football, despite injuries and Eli Manning. On a side note, last week's victory more than insures that Coughlin will not be fired. Which is kind of cool, considering how much I love to see the "Tom Coughlin" look of perplexion. I imagine that he has this look when he comes home one night to find his wife in bed with Belicheck, and thinks "What the hell? Wait, that's Belicheck. Should I join them? How should I act? I mean, it's Bill freakin' Belicheck. I should say something. Something cool, that would totally save the moment. O god, he's finished and leaving. Say something, you fool! Awkward..."

Nah, it's just to easy to go with the herd on this one and predict the upset. I fully expect Dallas to win. Note that I am not rooting for either team, but rather want to see Eli Manning in pain.

Dallas 27, Giants 10.

What about the Jax/Pats matchup? Again, too obvious. Although I hate everything about New England, and would love to see the Jags win, it just ain't gonna happen.

Pats 24 Jax 21

What about the Colts/Chargers matchup? No such luck there. I have no vested interest in this game, other then to see Rivers' overrated ass go down hard. Seriously, other teams are doing more with less talent then he has surrounding him. See Jacksonville, and the NYG. I am pretty sure that even the Sex Cannon could properly operate this team. The problem herein lies in that I like LDT, and believe he deserves more. Of course, if Eli had stayed on this team, I would be praying for San Diego fires to re-ignite. What, too soon?

Colts 33 Chargers 13

And that just leaves the Packers/Seahawks matchup, which is just dripping with latent trap game scenarios. January in Lambeau, Farvre, a resurgent team, etc. Everyone is rooting for them. Well tough titty for them. This week's Seal of Ackbar goes to said matchup, specifically to GB, because:

1. Green Bay in January? I believe Mike Vick vanquished that myth.
2. Seattle looked impressive last week.
3. Hasselback will not be dumb enough to make any pretentious statements, thus angering the football gods. BTW, Farvre is not a football god. More like a demi-god. Like Hercules, but with more painkillers.
4. Speaking of said deities, they do not look kindly on this type of crap (thanks KSK):

I made it to the :23 mark before reaching for the ether. I lasted longer watching 2girls1cup.

So there you have it. Green Bay fans, your fatness pleases the gods (and myself for that matter), but you gotta admit, you brought this upon yourself. Or at least, a power mad grade school music teacher did. I suggest you go fix his ass before prediction turns into reality.

Packers 17 Seattle 21. Favre throws a game clinching pick, and domestic abuse spikes across the Midwest.

*"Ben Hands" is an affliction first diagnosed back in 2000, when our Quaker friend showed blazing speed, but an almost preternatural ability NOT to catch a football.

And now 6 months of ennui

Figure 1-1: PSU goes into hibernation.

So OSU lost last night, and the college football season is over. Personally, I couldn't cheer for OSU last night. I have respect for Boeckmann, Wells, and the OSU DL. Still, Laurinitis just bugs me. I watched the first half of last night's game, with special attention payed to said award winner. He couldn't shed a block, was not challenging the LSU RBs to do anything special, and did not impress me in coverage. When he did get a tackle, he was usually NOT the first person in.

I don't see it. James L. has a very special DL, and they make the majority of the plays. I personally think Grant played better, but for some reason Laurinitis kept getting compliments. I hope I wasn't the only person who noticed.

The best thing for James to do right now is to stay another year at Ohio. Last night, he didn't even appear competent, and showed no real instinct. He is not even close to AJ Hawk at this point, and any team that wastes an early draft pick on him seriously needs their GM's head checked. Of course, his draft value is still high, will have a good combine, and he probably will enter. I'm just glad that the Eagles don't have an urgent need for LBs right now. Of course, if they get Connor, I will not complain.

So now no more college football, at least until late April. Selah.

I hated this time of year at PSU. No football until April, but by then anyone with a decent major was getting ready for finals, preparing for some kind of research project, etc. It sucked. Compound that with the absolute horrorshow that is the weather/lighting conditions at PSU from Jan-May, and one has the answer to the question of increased domestic abuse. It's cold, like the north pole of Neptune cold. The sun doesn't come out, and the wind always kicks up on the East side of campus. Coming home at night gives ya the flavor of how the Germans felt on their long march back from Russia.

Personally, I feel that many of us MEs had it worse. A good portion of our classes were in Leonard or EES, which is located out by the golf course. This involved crossing Atherton, which if you hit the lights just right was a small victory in your day.

Really, there is nothing to do up school but go to class, work, and drink. And drink. And drink.

It would seem that I hated PSU from the above passages. This interpretation would be largely incorrect. For 2/3 of the year, PSU is heaven. One has to rely on good friends, booze, hockey, nicotine, and the occasional trip to Sera-Tec for plasma "donations" to distract from the bad months. Which are all solid, considering they all contributed to somehow shortening my life (even hockey. always had to watch at the sports cafe. stupid pitt broadcasting area). The point i am horribly trying to make here is that PSU was worth it. I would do it all over again. Twice. Maybe next time i'll choose a different major, tho.

On to new matter. I stated above that one has to fill in the gaps while you were up there with mind-altering (legal) activities. Since I don't have to make any more trips to sponge out my plasma, and am trying to quit smoking altogether, the void has to be filled. Most people, myself included, turn to sports. Since my ankles suck and can't play rugby anymore, i decided to start passively looking around.

Once in awhile, like this year, PSU is showing up with a (relatively) good basketball squad. We've won our B10 openers on the road agains speed bump Northwestern, and more importantly, the struggling Illinois team. So good for us. I hope I don't jinx it, but I think I'll start following them. College hoops still has that air of dignity that the pros haven't possessed since Jordan entered the league. So for the future, expect draft updates, legal updates, and maybe some extremely uninformed basketball data. Also, follow the links on the side to TNL for wrestling info, and BSD for more informed opinions about everything.

IT'S FRIDAY.....

And you know what that means....

Figure 1-2: "We can't repulse firepower of that magnitude"

Editor's note: I talk to lawyers quite a bit. The one yesterday ticked me off by asking to prolong an interview until next week, because he was going out to Seattle for the game. Besides billing his client at 300/hr just to talk to me, my morning was ruined due to 3 hours preparation for said interview. On a side note, his client is an idiot, judging by how he picked such poor representation.

Technically, one would think that there really isn't any trap game of the playoffs due to both contestants having been good enough to reach the postseason. Supposedly. The horrific NFC just flashed you the middle finger and said nuts to that. This week's Akbar award goes to the Seattle/Washington matchup.

Washington is coming into the post season riding high (*coughportiscough*); the defense has been playing lights out, and whatever hobo they found to QB can competently manage a game. Seattle, however, is playing like dogshit.

This is why the trap is on for Washington:

1. Everyone is picking Washington to win.
2. One expects to hear a pregame heart rendering collage of why this team is doing it for Taylor. They will reference the fact that the 'skins won by 21 last week to clinch a playoff spot. OOOOOOOOO. I am not impressed. If there was some kind of preternatural force at work here, i.e. the ghost of Taylor, I would fully expect that in this coming game, the 'skins will lose by 21. Why? Let's look at the "logic": it took Taylor a few weeks to get off his ghostly ass and influence a game, having expired a few weeks prior. Also note that the 'skins actually LOST their first game without him. Further, Taylor was a dick. This is the kind of move I expect him to pull. To will your old team into the playoffs from above (and deny the poor and suffering Saints fans. Jerk.), and then pull the rug out from underneath them, and then signalling exactly who did it would be the kind of move I would expect out of him. Even from beyond the grave, people really don't change.

So when the 'skins fall dick-first into the trap, don't come crying to me. You knew what you were getting into.

It's a New Year

Thank God.

Below is a recap/update of all my favorite teams from the past year.

-Penn State: Failed expectations. This was supposed to be Morelli's maturing year, the one where he succeeds despite an undersized and under experienced OL. The opposite happened. However, I do feel good about this coming year. We have a favorable schedule, 16 returning starters, a good OL, a maturing DL, great RBs, CBs, S, etc. The pieces are still there. We need a leader and a little luck. And by that I mean a leader, LJ sr. to stay, and Jay to leave.

• Michigan is known for developing QB talent, why can't we?
• It is rumored that Collins at least had the balls to defy the offensive coaching scheme. Any chance we can get him back?
• We need a placekicker. I do not want a game coming down to Kelly trying to make a FG over 40 yards (or any, for that matter). By the end of the year, he couldn't even force a touch back during kickoffs. Inexcusable.

Philadelphia Eagles: Too little, too late. With an OL that struggled the entire year, the Eagles were abysmal in the red zone. The DL was shallow at the ends-Abiarimi is not a starter, and Thomas/Cole had to shoulder the entire burden of the pass rush. We still need a WR.

• Rumor is that the front office is meeting with Westbrook to restructure his contract. Praise Allah. The guy played every down he could and turned into a legitimate MVP candidate. Cancel his debt, give him a raise. Or better yet, overpay him again to make him act like the best damn RB in the league.
• Drafting needs: 1) DE-we are very weak here. 2)OL/WR-i can't tell if this year's poor play was due to age, or just an off year. Everyone knows the Eagles still need a big WR. Curtis falters in press coverage, and Reggie Brown is only a legitimate #2. 3)S/CB-Reed and Hanson were godsends this year. We need depth-Shepphard has missed too many games recently, and Dawkins is on his last foot. The man is 35; Turn him into a coordinator, just keep him near the team. The D responds to him.
• Preliminary draft-the Eagles resigned Gasperson, which means that they feel secure at WR not to draft one. Look for a free agent acquisition.1) Lawrence Jackson (USC), Jeremy Thompson (Wake), or Jason Jones (VT) would be nice fits and could definitely fall to the Eagles at the 19th spot.
• Upside:Jordan, Bradley, Cole, Westbrook, Hanson, McNabb, Bunkley, Patterson, Gaither, Brown, Reed, Celek
• Downside: Justice (even tho it is noted he played better against Buffalo. Wrong team from NY, but I digress), Jackson, LJ Smith(I hate him), Reagor, Kearse, Shepphard(sorry, too injured), Thomas (the one who renamed himself), McDougle (again, why does this guy have a job?),

-The Flyers-An excellent offseason restructured the entire team. This team is tough, gritty, and ornery. In short, a Philly team that won't lay down. They are steadily improving after a December slump. They like beating Pittsburgh.

• I believe Les Bowen from the Inquirer wrote that the Flyers are slumping at the right time. It's tough to agree that slumping is a good thing; in retrospect he might be right. That putrid stretch at the beginning of December showed the Flyers their deficiency: everyone needs to play defense. Our D is still a step off, and everyone needs to step it up. Results? A three game winning streak, and Biron's numbers go back up. And hopefully I didn't just jinx them.
• The Eastern conference is very tight right now. Hopefully, we get Gagne back soon, and make a good stretch run. I need to really look forward to a good Flyers team in the playoffs. This team provides the hope that wasn't there last year.

-The Phillies-Mozeltov for making an unprecedented run toward the playoffs, and thank you for giving this city a glimpse of the team's real potential. Even better, we knocked the Mets out. Take that, Seinfeld.

• I hate to see Rowand go, but that is most likely going to happen. Best of luck to him, and I hope someone, besides the Mets, pay what he is worth. Utley, Howard, Hamels, Meyers, Kendrick, and J-Roll are locked in and this town is ready for the spring to roll around. I can't wait.

-The Sixers-I don't care.

It's Over

Figure 1-1: A Happy Ending

Alamo Bowl Observations/wishes for next year

I was extremely drunk, watching this game during a wedding. The gaps were filled in the next morning by my DVR. Yay technology! Yay functioning livers!

• Our o-line are a bunch of beasts when it comes to the run game. Royster will run for 99999999 yards next year behind them.
• Congrats to Kinlaw on a successfully ending collegiate career. The man is the definition of class. He should at least get a tryout on an NFL team.
• Congrats to Connor. You were no Poz, but I am pretty sure that only one person on this planet is. I thank you for everything you have done for the program.
• Congrats to Terrel Golden on a great senior year. Given the person passing to you, it was more than I could have hoped for.
• Good job receiving corps-you made up for a lackluster 2006 season, especially Butler and D-Will. Am looking forward to another year.
• Kevin Kelly-screw you, learn how to kick. We have been extremely patient with your ass. Either start making tough field goals or get the hell off the team.
• I wish Clark would have had a pass attempt. Regardless, good job luggin' tha rock. See ya next year.

Final Morelli Rant

Well, our abusive relationship with Morelli is over. Please note that before he left, he gave a final homage to the Sex Cannon.

God Forbid, he ever come back as a coordinator. Now go tend bar.

Despite my hangover Sunday morning, I felt great. PSU had won the bowl game, and we can finally put behind such a Fulmeristic year behind us. Please, no more off field distractions.

IT'S ON

Peep this:
"One A&M yell leader, during a pep rally Thursday night, told the crowd that Paterno was "on his death bed" and "someone needs to find him a casket"

I know that i've complained about paterno in the past, but the following statement is in no way hypocritical:
Fuck the Aggies. You DO NOT attack the figurehead of my beloved football program. The only acceptable act of pennance would be for them all to go sit on a corncob.

That is all for now, as I need ether to calm me down.

Alamo Bowl (part 2)

Some news concerning the sporting world:

• The Pats-Giants game will be televised nationally instead of just flying solo on the NFL network. I would have more respect for said network if they flew an add which stated, "Look, it started out as a bet. We were drunk in an Indonesian whorehouse, using high-grade opium and doling out 4-year old Asians like they were Halloween candy. Someone said that we could sell football on a niche network even if we had the worst production values possible, and found announcers who couldn't know less about football. We were wrong. We will never try this (the network, not the vice) again. Our bad." I probably would forgive them. On a side note, to truly feel the impact, I suggest that (asshat) Bryant Gumble go on "The View" for two weeks straight, just so the women can feel our pain. Look, I know they have that whole childbearing pain to deal with, but this is far worse.
• Philly.com is reporting some PSU players will not be making the trip to San Antonio:

"Five Penn State players, including starting defensive tackle Chris Baker, did not make the trip with their teammates for Saturday night's Alamo Bowl game against Texas A & M. Coach Joe Paterno had said Baker, reserve linebacker Navorro Bowman and reserve cornerback Knowledge Timmons would accompany their teammates, but that was before Centre County District Attorney Michael Madeira re-filed felony charges against Baker and Bowman for their roles in an Oct. 7 party in which they allegedly attacked and injured a man.
Timmons is facing misdemeanor charges stemming from the same incident.
Baker, Bowman and Timmons also did not travel with the team for the Nov. 17 regular-season finale at Michigan State. Also remaining behind was Willie Harriott, a backup cornerback and special-teams mainstay who had missed time earlier this season for underage drinking. He was cited Nov. 11 in Ferguson Township for driving under the influence.
Redshirt freshman tackle Tom McEowen, from Neshaminy High, did not travel with the team for unspecified reasons."

Word on the street is that McEowen is staying behind because he is academically ineligible. So bully for Paterno; there is some shred of team dignity left. That is until I saw that Morelli is refusing to talk to the media.

F-him. Play him for a half, then get Clark and/or Devlin in there. Then, pick up a competent QB coach. One that hasn't the first clue of what a playstation is.

So, instead of this being the swan song for one of the greatest LBs to ever wear the uniform, this is turned into the Morelli circus. Thanks, dude. Now go get a job tending bar, or whatever park management majors do.