Gone Fishin' (Akron)

Most other blogs are giving detailed analysis of the Zips right now. You will not get that here. Instead, please read the following:

A few years ago, I went deep-sea fishing off the shores of Juno Beach. It was addicting. Like jamming-your-head-in-a-bag-full-baldness-curing-crack addicting.

Sometimes one snags a leviathan. The rod bows to the ocean, one is jerked toward the rail. The reel squeals its alarm, and the fight is on. It can take seemingly eons of back breaking reeling, releasing, and reeling again just to bring the fish near the boat. The arms cramp, the hands are screaming just to let go. In the fit of all this mayhem, one still needs to concentrate.

It's almost euphoric the feeling of finally gaffing and landing a real fighter. When the fish is in the deck cooler, and one finally has straightened out one's digits, the world just seems lighter.

Sometimes the fish gets away. It can be due to the incompetence of others, random luck, lack of experience, or being just straight beat by a superior being. And when any of this happens, it can be a bit of a letdown. Still, there is always hope for redemption; grab some bait, re-rig the line, and cast again.

Even if I don't catch anything worth keeping, it is still just satisfying to get out there and fight with the sea creatures. Afterwords, at the Square Grouper, everyone feels like a winner. The feeling increased after every round of drinks consumed.

In some ways, the same can be said for college football.

We all know its inherent addictive powers. Regardless of who PSU plays, I think we can all agree that at the beginning of the season, we are just happy to be here. As the season starts, we all have dreams of PSU football destroying OSU at home, TCOB in Ann Arbor, or even a major bowl victory against a traditional BCS powerhouse. We pray there will be no game which ends in "the one that got away" due to our own incompetence, said random luck, or being just plain outplayed. Every week, the anticipation of The Game leads up to relative milliseconds of sheer havoc, terror, bliss, and hopefully triumph.

At the end of the day, we all end up at the Grouper. And while we're at it, we may even have a tale or two to spin about how we won against that trophy fish.

And it's now within our grasp. It's 6 AM on Saturday. We've got our gear. We've got sandwiches, beer, and are walking down the dock. Our tickets are punched, our spots on deck are assured, and I spy calm seas. Now lower that fucking gangplank and let us aboard.

AKRON

So this is PSU's first game of the year. It's not a bad choice given the cupcake pool. The best comparison I can draw between Akron and fishing is the Atlantic Bonito:

Usually the first animal to strike my line in the morning. They hit hard, and tendencies include running aimlessly all over creation. Also, they can be relatively difficult to land in the beginning. Usually they quit fighting after about 5-10 minutes. Hopefully, just like Akron.

They are an impressive fish to look at. However, it's oily, dark meat is unpalatable (the Cubans love'em though). Upon looking at the last sentence, it appears there might be some non-hetero racism there. Nope, this paragraph is not part of the analogy. Nothing to see here. Move along.

Uses include carving up for bait, and for tourists seeking a sense of accomplishment.

Still, they are fun to catch and promptly smack over the head with a paddle. and I'm sure the football players agree.

Expectations

Realistically, I am just looking at this game to see how apparent our team shortcomings are. This includes:

• Will the secondary hold up against a semblance of a passing game?
• Will the DL be strong or weak?
• Will there be any chemistry between Clark and the green WR corps?
• Will Josh Hull show improvement from last year?

As you can see, my concerns really lie within the defense. Which is weird, being that THIS IS LBU. Still, graduation, transfers, and injuries IMO have greatly depleted the defense.

Really, I just want to see competency on both sides of the ball, and no injuries.

Akron: 10

PSU: 40

One More Thing...

This one's a no-brainer: Nevada vs (23) Notre Dame. Reasons:

1. Fuck Notre Dame.
2. Fuck Jimmah Clausen. I hope he gets the Feline Aids.
3. One would think the majority of their fan base would have some kind of humility after this past decade of failure. Nope. Fuck them, and the world grows stronger at Chuck Weis crying into his fat tits.

No, really, this week's award is presented just based on my spiteful and inane bias. Hell, nobody really knows how teams are shaping up until 5 weeks or so into the schedule anyway.

Final Notes

A tip of the cap this week goes to TOSU, and their plans to give the Navy Midshipmen a standing O when they enter the 'shoe. Class exemplified (unlike my ND rant above). Rutgers, take notes.

Oops....

"Temple: I Don't feel good about this one. Al Golden knows our program, which means he knows how to exploit the weaknesses of the program. Namely, that our MLBs tend to have weak knees. Sean Lee, watch your ass." (see below).

Note that it was ILB, not MLB. But yeah, no more negative predictions.

PSU's Tough Schedule

There has been much harrumphing around the blognets regarding PSU's seemingly saccharine-fueled OOC schedule (e.g. click nyaw, nyaw, or nyaw). Bosh and bunk, says I. PSU has one of the most grueling OOC schedules I have ever witnessed. Let's take a look:

Akron
For the opening game of the season, we get to play these guys. Awesome. I don't know what the hell a "Zip" is, and the thought of playing more than one "Zip" does not sit well with me.

That, and "Zip" is traditionally a verb. It can also be an onomatopoeia, but never a noun. THESE PEOPLE CAN CHANGE SYNTAX AT WILL.

Worse yet, it's at home.

So who likes letting unknown grammar freaks into their home to start the season? Nobody, that's who.

Syracuse
Pure nightmare fuel-
It looks like the whammy ate too many carrots. And is pointing at me. Let's move on.

Temple
Don't feel good about this one. Al Golden knows our program, which means he knows how to exploit the weaknesses of the program. Namely, that our MLBs tend to have weak knees. Sean Lee, watch your ass.

Eastern Illinois
Of all the matchups, this one gives me the most frequent and intense night-terrors. Put simply, nobody has any film on these guys. Which means no scouting and lack of preparation. Look what happens in major league baseball when the opposition has no read on the starting pitcher. Many a time the game ends up in favor of the unknown.

In Eastern Illinois' case, there is more than one pitcher, which exponentially increases the variables that can lead to mind-altering upsets.

We really just have to play our game, and hope for the best. Gulp.

Recap
So PSU has lost its secondary, restructured its starting OL, is breaking in a new FB, and lost the immortal starting WRs that led it to prominence. Compile that with having to deal with an incredible amount of erratic teams, half of which we know nothing about, and there is a possibility we could lose some starters due to injury.

I'll be happy to come away from the OOC opponents with two victories and a semi-healthy team.

So go ahead, you Virginia Techs and Ohio State's of the world. Schedule the traditional "contenders", and "teams with actual talent". I will take them any day over what PSU is going to put us through in those 4 weekends.

New Poll Up

Look right. I SAID LOOK RIGHT.

Posting Cancelled

I was going to start the debate about which member of the PSU football team would win in a drinking contest vs. the others.

Then ol' McDonald got his drink on...

Then Poti said "second string can do better"....

Then Glenn Carson showed what the incoming freshmen are capable of.

So yeah, these guys can put'em down. Just got to work on the whole thinking process.

Next contest: who can have the most sacks in the OSU game.

PSU Campus Riots (Again)

(State College, PA) The tranquil mountain summer of State College was again broken by the sounds of shattered glass as thousands of students took to the streets to vent their anger and frustration with their administration.

While these booze fueled mobs are usually synonymous with Arts Fest, this year it was different. This year, the PSU football coaches had the temerity to go and offer another high school quarterback a scholarship. And on July 10, the news broke: he accepted.

Robert Boldin is now the newest PSU recruit to verbal. He will be joining Paul Jones, another coveted QB, in what is shaping up to be one of the most impressive recruiting classes ever seen in Happy Valley.

Kevin Draper, (6th year senior, liberal arts) was one of the first to vent his frustration:

"It's like Fall of 2005 all over, man. Back then, we were coming off of a 4-7 season, Joe would do nothing about the current state of the program we cherish. I mean, my parents had to shell out $140 on freshman season tickets, and, like, he only had gotten one real recruit that year. So yeah, me and my roomate decided to go to his house that August and let him know how we felt. He kicked us off the lawn. This is exactly the same thing; Joe is letting us down again by stockpiling talent at one position when scholorships can be used to fill in other positions."

I then reminded Kevin that competition is good, PSU is getting monster recruits, and is looking to go to the Rose Bowl, or maybe go all the way. The delayed response I got was "FUCKING PIGS WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORIIIIIIIIIOTTTTTTTTT!!!!" Kevin was then mercifully pepper sprayed and detained by State College police.

Steve Head (junior, astronomy) echoed the sentiment of the crowd:

"The FUCK, MAN? We got Jones and Newsome, but now we get another awesome quarterback? What is wrong with the coaches? It's like, there is such a thing as having too much talent at one position. Ideally you actually want a top qb pick every other year so that you don't have a bunch of top talent guys receiving scholarships who are riding the pine. Additionally, it gives your number one the playing time he needs to mature into his position, like Morel.......PIIIIIIIIIGSSSSSSSSS FUCKIN' PIGGGGGGGSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS"

Steve then threw a garbage can through a window and then urinated in the street before being chased by the authorities.

-JD
11 July 2009

ZZZZZZZZ........huh?

Something woke me up.

Well, as long as I'm awake, might as well kick off the new season with.......

Know Your Lions

You know the rules. Today's topic is the one Sean Lee.

Note to OSU Fans: This is a solo tackle. These are important to LBs. Much more important than being the last person in on a gang tackle.

We all know Sean as the leader of LBU. Here is what you don't know*:

• Nickname #1: "Spinal Cracka'". Given to him by Lavar Arrington and Navarro Bowman after one particular intense practice/drinking session.
• Nickname #2: "General Lee". Dislikes the term because it's just too easy, and that Generals only fight from the sidelines.
• Knee ligaments surgically repaired using Dick Butkis' mustache trimmings.
• Sleeps with a teddy bear made out of razor wire.
• Despite claims to the contrary, was the real winner of the past Iranian election. Hence, the riots. Al-Jezeera will deny this.
• Hates the color blue.
• Is color blind.
• JoePa decreed that Sean can never be the "asshole" in said drinking game. Interestingly enough, Sean will still always finish his beer in polite fashion if told to do so for skipping a higher ranking member. Because thems the rules.
• Incapable of saying the word "I".

There ya go. Know Sean. Love Sean. Now sit back and enjoy the havoc he hath wrought.

*cause I fabricated it.