'Cuse Recap, Temple Fishing

The Pain remains. In fact, in some aspects, it's actually a little worse. What I saw in the Syracuse game was a sincere effort to run between the tackles, only to have Syracuse repeatedly stack the line. At one point, PSU even decided to swap the tackles out for underclassmen. The effects were negligible.

I have no idea what's wrong here. Conspiracy theorists say we are waiting for the B10 schedule to start, and then the Lions unleash the Kraken. I say nuts to that. It's Akron and Syracuse. We should be torching these guys. Unless, of course, by "Kraken", one means "Navarro Bowman".

Then again, the rational side of me says that on every running down, Akron and Syracuse were putting 6 on the line to clog the middle. This seems more plausible, and would explain why Clarke can hit his receivers with ease. I'd like to think it's because Clark is proficient at his job.

Nevertheless, the game balls go to:

• Zug and Moye. Hands like Velcro. Gonna get Clark paid next year.
• Sean Lee. No explanation necessary.
• Jeremy Boone. Boomin' punts at 50 yds/per.

Was going to hand one out to Quarless for solid play, but then he went and did this...... Just when he shows signs of improvement, he has to remind us of why he screwed up the last 2 years of his life.

Gone Fishin'

So for the third scrimmage, these chumps come to town. They're not that good. They have this weird tendency to lose games on the last play. They are from the badlands in Philadelphia. Only one fish comes to mind:

The Flounder

Noted parallels include:

• Early in their life cycle, they look normal. As they progress, their one eye migrates, and the result is that ugly bastard above. Just like a Temple game. Starts off alright, and then, well, the above is an appropriate metaphor.
• A flounder is also known as a "Fluke". See above noted Temple game endings.
• At this point in evolution, the flounder isn't really that ferocious of a predator. Either is Temple, but they have potential.
• Are found inland. So is Temple.
• Only defense is to blend in. If they fail, they die. Have you ever been to Temple's campus? At night?
• Easy to catch. And throw a bunch of crabs on top just to see what happens. Just like Bill Cosby. End analogy.

Really, at this point, I have confidence in every facet of the PSU game, except for the above noted deficiency. If PSU can break 150 yds on the ground, I will have considered it a step in the right direction.

Temple 3

PSU 31

Moving on.....
Part of me screaming "BOISE AT FRESNO BOISE AT FRESNO". Nah, even though I don't like Boise too much. Cal at Minnesota? No, but kudos for the good OOC scheduling. Let's go for USC at Washington. Why? USC always has one bad loss per season, and it usually is on the road. They are a little dinged from OSU. So screw them.

Gone Fishin' (Akron)

Most other blogs are giving detailed analysis of the Zips right now. You will not get that here. Instead, please read the following:

A few years ago, I went deep-sea fishing off the shores of Juno Beach. It was addicting. Like jamming-your-head-in-a-bag-full-baldness-curing-crack addicting.

Sometimes one snags a leviathan. The rod bows to the ocean, one is jerked toward the rail. The reel squeals its alarm, and the fight is on. It can take seemingly eons of back breaking reeling, releasing, and reeling again just to bring the fish near the boat. The arms cramp, the hands are screaming just to let go. In the fit of all this mayhem, one still needs to concentrate.

It's almost euphoric the feeling of finally gaffing and landing a real fighter. When the fish is in the deck cooler, and one finally has straightened out one's digits, the world just seems lighter.

Sometimes the fish gets away. It can be due to the incompetence of others, random luck, lack of experience, or being just straight beat by a superior being. And when any of this happens, it can be a bit of a letdown. Still, there is always hope for redemption; grab some bait, re-rig the line, and cast again.

Even if I don't catch anything worth keeping, it is still just satisfying to get out there and fight with the sea creatures. Afterwords, at the Square Grouper, everyone feels like a winner. The feeling increased after every round of drinks consumed.

In some ways, the same can be said for college football.

We all know its inherent addictive powers. Regardless of who PSU plays, I think we can all agree that at the beginning of the season, we are just happy to be here. As the season starts, we all have dreams of PSU football destroying OSU at home, TCOB in Ann Arbor, or even a major bowl victory against a traditional BCS powerhouse. We pray there will be no game which ends in "the one that got away" due to our own incompetence, said random luck, or being just plain outplayed. Every week, the anticipation of The Game leads up to relative milliseconds of sheer havoc, terror, bliss, and hopefully triumph.

At the end of the day, we all end up at the Grouper. And while we're at it, we may even have a tale or two to spin about how we won against that trophy fish.

And it's now within our grasp. It's 6 AM on Saturday. We've got our gear. We've got sandwiches, beer, and are walking down the dock. Our tickets are punched, our spots on deck are assured, and I spy calm seas. Now lower that fucking gangplank and let us aboard.

AKRON

So this is PSU's first game of the year. It's not a bad choice given the cupcake pool. The best comparison I can draw between Akron and fishing is the Atlantic Bonito:

Usually the first animal to strike my line in the morning. They hit hard, and tendencies include running aimlessly all over creation. Also, they can be relatively difficult to land in the beginning. Usually they quit fighting after about 5-10 minutes. Hopefully, just like Akron.

They are an impressive fish to look at. However, it's oily, dark meat is unpalatable (the Cubans love'em though). Upon looking at the last sentence, it appears there might be some non-hetero racism there. Nope, this paragraph is not part of the analogy. Nothing to see here. Move along.

Uses include carving up for bait, and for tourists seeking a sense of accomplishment.

Still, they are fun to catch and promptly smack over the head with a paddle. and I'm sure the football players agree.

Expectations

Realistically, I am just looking at this game to see how apparent our team shortcomings are. This includes:

• Will the secondary hold up against a semblance of a passing game?
• Will the DL be strong or weak?
• Will there be any chemistry between Clark and the green WR corps?
• Will Josh Hull show improvement from last year?

As you can see, my concerns really lie within the defense. Which is weird, being that THIS IS LBU. Still, graduation, transfers, and injuries IMO have greatly depleted the defense.

Really, I just want to see competency on both sides of the ball, and no injuries.

Akron: 10

PSU: 40

One More Thing...

This one's a no-brainer: Nevada vs (23) Notre Dame. Reasons:

1. Fuck Notre Dame.
2. Fuck Jimmah Clausen. I hope he gets the Feline Aids.
3. One would think the majority of their fan base would have some kind of humility after this past decade of failure. Nope. Fuck them, and the world grows stronger at Chuck Weis crying into his fat tits.

No, really, this week's award is presented just based on my spiteful and inane bias. Hell, nobody really knows how teams are shaping up until 5 weeks or so into the schedule anyway.

Final Notes

A tip of the cap this week goes to TOSU, and their plans to give the Navy Midshipmen a standing O when they enter the 'shoe. Class exemplified (unlike my ND rant above). Rutgers, take notes.

Almost forgot

It's been awhile, and the NFL has more than amply provided the flimsy premice to issue the Seal of Akbar!



This week's award goes to the New England Patriots, in their upcoming "effort" against the Jets. I suppose this doesn't really work because that would mean that the Pats are the Rebel Alliance, and we should be rooting against them. Why? Because FUCK THEM, that's why.

Still, the Seal of Akbar is the balls.

...And Spartans on Attack

Figure 1-2: A metaphor for minimalist warmongering

First and foremost, everything I have read about the Hub incident sickens me. I don't care what started it, do these players not know they are held to a higher standard? Could they be that stupid?

The short answer is yes. Reports stem from Chris Bell off the top rope, to a good old fashion stomping from the lineman. I'm through with these lesions. Suspend for first offense. Otherwise, get rid of 'em.

Baker needs to be banished from Happy valley forever. His thugginess belongs somewhere south of the border, but definitely not at PSU.

Timmons is done for the year. Additionally, he now has to change his first name. No player named "Knowledge" should be involved in two altercations in one year. That's just flat out hypocritical.

As for the rest(Phil Taylor, Abe Koroma, Thom McEowen, Chris Bell, Willie Harriott, Devon Fentress, Toriano Moody and Johnnie Troutman ), screw you guys for the rest of the season, the bowl game, and spring practice. Once finals are done, tell them to pack their shit and get out of town. Call them from the bowl game. Tell them it is mandatory to get involved in Jerome Hayes' anger management class. It worked wonders for him (see Notre Dame cheapshots). Tell each one of them they have to apologize to the graduating seniors for screwing up their team.

Think about this-would Joe have put up with this back in the 80s and 90s? NO, resoundingly. Back then, people were kicked off the team for having a beer at the airport.

Now what? We have a not-so-police friendly Michigan State coming into town this weekend. This is another team that should have beat Michigan, but alas, they cannot defend the long ball. Well, maybe that's not fair considering Michigan lost Tacopants to the Philadelphia Eagles.

My scouting of MSU comes from watching said game. The first half, they were awful. The second half, they decided to just keep the ball on the ground, with great results.

For PSU to win:

• Pray that the underclassmen can step up.
• Same offensive gameplan as Purdue
• Michigan can run the ball effectively-Bolster the middle of the line with Connor. Keep Lee or Sales attached to MSU wunderkind TE Kellen Davis-he and Devon Thomas are a real threat to our blitz.
• Maurice Evans has to wreak havoc again. I hate the fact that we have to rely on him due to incarceration, but there it is.
• No more kicks returned for TDs.

I would be more optimistic if we had Bowman and Baker with us. But I can't be. This was supposed to be the season where Morelli becomes the leader of the offense, the D shuts everyone down, and free beer.

PSU 23, MSU 13. What can I say, I am indeed still a believer that somehow this team will find a way to win against an equally crappy MSU team.

Failed expectations

• Chris Bell becomes a real threat
• Best CBs in the B10
• King a top 10 draft pick
• Scirotto dealing out justice over the middle
• Morelli becomes an above-average QB
• B10 championship
• 12-0. We never had a schedule so easy.
• Austin Scott channels LJ
• Quarless channels Kyle Brady
• Wallace starts at CB by week three at Michigan
• We beat Michigan

Maybe that one isn't fair to Wallace. Bradley had a way of playing the corners 10 yards off the LOS. It's really not Wallace's fault.

Good Stuff

What did we do right? What do we have to look forward to? Please keep in mind these are all overshadowed by the off-field behavior of certain players.

• The O-line becoming a frighteningly cohesive unit. Everyone said that this was the weak spot on our team. Ask our RBs how they feel about that prediction.
• Kinlaw and Royster. First names redacted because I keep messing them up. I talked with them last week, and they forgive me. And by "them" I meant that girl's boobs I was staring at in the bar last week. They always forgive me somehow....
• Derrick Williams-it took him awhile, but he is quickly becoming that exciting freshman we all knew from 2 years ago.
• The receiving corps. Kudos all around.
• DC-40 breaking Poz's record.
• Ending our loss streak to Iowa.

Still, the negatives are greatly outweighing the positives. I kind of just want this season to end, kick some players off the team, watch Connor get drafted, and fast forward to a great blue and white game.

And finally...

This week's Admiral Akbar award goes to the Oklahoma/Texas Tech matchup. Again, with the flimsy premace.

B10 Trap Game of the Week

This weeks trap game in the B10 belongs to the Purdue Michigan matchup. Why? Because i need a flimsy premace to issue the seal of Admiral Akbar.