Holy Sh!t...

Remember that great Dave Chappelle skit with Wayne Brady? You know, the one with the running joke of how white people love Wayne Brady because he is an uncle Tom? Something like that. To refresh:

Figure 1-1: Do NOT f&ck with Wayne Brady.

Anyhoo, the point was made, as well as comic lore.

Then this happens (note: the comparison has probably already been made, but i haven't heard it yet, so back off). I don't know whether to laugh, or to be genuinely concerned for Harrison. If he was the shooter, what set him off?

Better yet, if true, now we know the reason that Harrison sits by himself on the bench during games. It's not that he is distancing himself from his teammates. Rather, his teammates do not want a repeat of what happens in the above video around the 00:38 mark. FAIRMOUNT, WHAT!!!!

What really happened? There are parts of Fairmount (Philly) that you don't go into on a dare. Crime is high, and one can understand why he keeps the hand-cannon behind the counter of his bar. People know it's his bar, and a certain element will see the advantage of ripping off a bar attached to Marvin Harrison's money, or something stupid like that. Moving on....

Most likely, an employee got involved in an altercation, went and got Marvin's piece, and went all apeshit.

It's a shame, really, that such a talented, upstanding poster-boy for the NFL has to be involved in some local thuggery. Still, it's good for bringing up such a comic gem.

Favorite Tailgate Food/Drink

"Gluttony ain't a sin if it's good and you ain't full"

This post is solely dedicated to accelerating onset cirrhosis. Let's get started....

Moose Juice

Figure 1-1: Trust me on this one

PSU Tailgate Experience: I cannot remember a relevant tailgate without this sweet nectar.

Secret Formula:

• 1 large handle of vodka.
• 1 case of beer (12 0z. cans).
• 1 large container of powdered Country Time Lemonade (not pink). For Vitamin C purposes.
• 1 10lb. bag of crushed ice.

Add all contents into mixing container. Stir furiously. Enjoy.

AKA:

• Skippies.
• Happies.

Pros:

• Easy to make.
• Great starter drink if beer is not suitable at 7 AM.
• Counter-intuitively tastes phenomenal.
• Destroys lingering hangover.
• Has attained cult status.
• Prolonged use leads to wanton carnality. Yes, that's a pro.
• It takes a community to make. Makes for great bonding, as in the-tribe-has-worked-together-toward-a-common-goal kind of thing. Assign specific duties and you will see what I mean.

Cons:

• Accelerates the flow of time.
• Goes quickly.

Implements:

• One 5-gallon mixing container.
• Big spoon. No, not Mike Y.
• Large plastic cups.

Ingredients/variations Tried:

• Beer-Coors Light or Miller Light will do.
• Vodka-you can go on the cheap here, but as your attorney, I would advise one big honkin' bottle of Skyy.

Conclusions: As noted above, this drink has almost attained a "cult" status. Let me explain....

If talking to an unfamiliar PSU alum, mention the term and what is in it. They will either knowingly nod with a smirk, or will give you the look my dog used to give me when I would urinate with him outside on his morning walk. That is, a look of bewilderment. Instinct will tell him/her that beer and vodka in the same concoction is a bad idea. Then the alcoholic instinct kicks in. Another way to get f'd up on gameday? Sign me up.

In the tailgating environ itself, the first question normally asked by a rookie has to deal with what is in it. There face will turn sour, and they will seem reticent. I know I was.

Then they slowly knock the first cup back. Bliss ensues, and then they realize all the pros are already quickly devouring the juice. Soon there will be none left.

Possible Side Effects:

Most Notable Experience:

Last year, the crew (pictured above. note the container) traveled to Michigan. We located our tailgate at the high school across the stadium, and next to the entry way to the high school fields. Within one hour, my friend Kevin had the cooler on his shoulder and all PSU fans entering were sticking their heads out of the car, and taking long gulps. God, I love being a PSU fan.

What I Hate Most.....

...About college football could probably be summed up in these articles:

http://sports.espn.go.com/ncf/news/story?id=3373792&campaign=rss&source=NCFHeadlines

http://sports.espn.go.com/ncf/news/story?id=3372704&campaign=rss&source=NCFHeadlines

A meeting of all of the heads of the major football families was called in an oceanfront resort. That's the first problem: these meetings should be held in not so forgiving climates. Say, Fairbanks in February. With nothing to do but stay inside, I am pretty damn sure that more would be accomplished in a shorter period of time.

Second problem: admittedly, I may be reading too far into this, but why does ND have as much say as the head of a major athletic conference?

Mike over at BSD already echoed how many of us feel about ND influence on college football scheduling, so I'll let him tackle that one. Football pun, get it?

Moving on; this quote gets me:

"I continue to sense a certain comfort level, if you will, with the current status of things with the BCS," BCS coordinator John Swofford said after Monday's session. "I think it's been a pretty stable few years."

It's been a stable few years in that 1) OSU gets destroyed in the BCS championship game (not that they have horrible teams, but still...), and 2) we don't get the two best teams in said game.

Onto Jim Delany, aka the boy-king of the Big 10. Here are some relevant quotes:

"Big Ten commissioner Jim Delany said Monday that moving to a plus-one would equate to a playoff, and he sees no support for that option among the league's presidents."

"'The perception that the Big Ten and Pac-10 are holding this back is not right,' Delany said, after exiting a Tuesday morning meeting of conference commissioners and bowl and television representatives at an oceanfront hotel here. 'We're seen as obstructionists when we did what we did to evolve the system. The calls for change are external. Ask others here how strongly they feel for a call for change. I don't see it.'"

"'I think there are a lot of other people who like where they are, but they should say it," Delany said. "There are others in the room who like where we're at. There are no raised voices here. Everybody's mind is open for discussion.'"

I am sure on this occasion, as with many others, Coach Paterno, the SEC, the ACC, etc. will disagree with the intentional ignorance on display by the evil that represents my conference. Delaney knows he still has leverage as long as the Pac-10 stays with him, and the contract for the Rose Bowl between the two conferences continues beyond 2014; thus, he can still insist that the demand for a system that actually might work is just not there, until someone steps forward and directly challenges him. Petulant. Child.

Progress in sports is necessary. Sports evolve like most biological organisms: if something isn't needed or is excessive, it is removed. Roger Goodell has long since realized this truth: he has the greatest show in sports, and would like to keep it that way. A big problem for Goodell was the public image of the league (PacMan, Vick, etc.). The problem is still there, but has been greatly reduced in the relatively short time Goodell has been in charge.

So what should change in NCAA football? A plus-1 would be a start. Down the line, I would opt for an eleven game schedule for every team, no more, no less, and no mandatory amount of home games. In this way, we would rid ourselves of the cupcake schedules that PSU, and most other teams, are forced to endure. In short, in order to get to the playoffs, you will have to play a more interesting out of conference schedule. Admittedly, this might damage the smaller conferences; I haven't figured out all the angles yet so BACK OFF.

But still, I could handle an Alabama, or an FSU on our OOC schedule in lieu of playing Temple, Central Michigan, and/or Akron in the same year. The fans deserve more.

Please note that my most hated aspect of college football right now is not the diploma mills (OSU), the gladiator academies (USC), or the convicts produced (most any Florida school). It's the people who run the show. What I believe they fail to realize is that college is THE show on Saturdays for most of the football world. The money will always be there, I would just like to see them man-up, and improve the system for the good of the fans and the game.

Philadelphia-We're not the only ones...

...that act in furiously stupid ways.

Exhibit A:

...And Exhibit B:

Figure 1-1: Thanks, ya frogs....

On a meteorologically nice day, these guys would be dead. And yes, we might hesitate on killing the short, fat pig man. But only momentarily. This town loves roasted pork.

That is, to say, I understand what they are trying to do; it's just inane for the following reasons:

1) Rocky lost.

2) Every time someone puts a jersey on a statue in this town, that team loses. Seriously, it's the kiss of death. Let's just hope the streak keeps up.

EDIT: no sooner than I write this, Hatcher takes a stupid boarding penalty. The result: a 5 minute major, 10 minute misconduct, two goals and the game momentum go to the Habs. Is it because I touch myself, Lord?

DOUBLE EDIT: The Lord sayeth no, and smiles on the orange faithfull. He still hates Hatcher, tho'.

Lito News

It's no secret that Lito Sheppard is now being shopped around to the likes of Tampa Bay. He would be a decent fit there. However, I just don't approve of the trade value being offered, namely a second rounder and Michael Clayton.

I just don't see it. Clayton had one good year 3 years ago when he was a rookie. Since then, guvna, as my grandmother would say.

It's also being reported now that St. Louis wants to get in on this hot action. Meh-they really don't have any players worth it, unless they are willing to give up their first round pick, which I doubt is going to happen.

Or maybe, just maybe, I am overestimating the trade worth of an All-Pro corner with injury/toughness problems.

Personally, I kind of would like to see how the trio of Brown, Samuels, and Sheppard would perform together. Hell, we get a good safety, and we might have a pretty formidable defense.

Speaking of draft picks, tomorrow is the first day of the NFL Draft, which is right in my wheelhouse for things I so do love. Classify it under the "flesh market", right next to strippers. My opinion of my Iggles' needs are as follows:

1rst round, 19th pick-need here is either OL or S. Phillips, the All-Conference S from Miami, looks like the best bet right now. He looks great on paper, but I just don't like football players from Miami. Except for Jerome Brown.

However, in looking at his stats and bio, he can cover, hit, catch, and blitz well. He would be a great fit for us.

Otherwise, I say go with Jeff Otah, out of Pitt. Big and nasty, but we will most likely have to offer trade bait at this point ot get him. He will not be available at 19. However, I would be just as happy with Chris Williams out of Vandy.

If none of the above are available, we could go for value with Rogers-Cromartrie. Guy's got all the tools, and he would be learning from all-pros. Or we could trade him away. Whatever they do, the Eagles had best not pull that shit from last year where they trade away the 26th pick to the f'n Cowboys. Who did the Cowboys get? Anthony Spencer, the man two top-5 draft picks (Joe Thomas and Levi Brown) called the "hardest DE to stop". But hey, we got some guy named Kolb.

My final thought is that I cannot believe the amount of people that are stating that the Eagles will be taking a WR with their first round pick. More often than not, first round WR are busts. Ol' Andy tried this once with Freddie Mitchell, with horrible results.

uh-oh

Figure 1-1: Don't say "blood". It only gets him excited.

http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=3362701

To be brunt, the man is a beast. The good? The Eagles made a legitimate bid for him, which is nice to see given that the offseason usually revolves around who we are NOT trying to pick up. Still we didn't get him. Funny how the littlest offerings can mean so much when the bar is set that low.

The bad? Jared Allen is now in the NFC, which means there is a distinct possibility that we will play him. Further, the Vikes' d-line was pimp to begin with-having Allen just ups the "oh-shit" factor.

As for the Vikes: did they make the right choice? Let's see: the Vikings give up the 17th pick of the draft, and had to restructure his contract to 6 years, 74 million, 31 of which is guaranteed. Besides the massive cap hit they are going to have to deal with when purple Jesus comes up for negotiations, it could prove deadly. Further, the Vikings still do not have a consistent quarterback.

So, I guess the game plan here is to rely on defense and running the ball while NOT developing a quarterback. Where have I heard that before?

Have the Vikings improved? Yes. Have they improved where they really need to? I am not sure-I perceive them as being a little short in the OL as well as QB and WR: losing their first round pick means they will not pick up a pricey first rounder, but also risk the lack of redundancy that multiple first and second round picks provide.

So yes, they have gotten better-New York has fully proved that even a competent QB can win the super bowl provided their defense dominates. Let's just hope for the Vikes sake that ol' Jared can stay away from the booze. 3 DUIs in 4 years = Jared on the short leash of the commissioner.

EDIT: if Jared stays out of trouble until September, two of his strikes are going to be erased. If I was in any way dependent on him, I would have taken his keys away a long time ago. Probably while he was passed out.

As for the Chiefs-look for them now to bolster their lines in the first round. Losing Allen is going to kill their line, so DE at 5th pick, OL at 17th. Should work out.

Favorite Talgate Food/Drink

"Gluttony ain't a sin if it's good and you ain't full".

In an ongoing effort to destroy your cholesterol count, the second post in this reoccurring feature will be dedicated to that subtle little appetizer...

Marinated Mozzarella

Figure 1-1: Lactose intolerant people would find these worth it.

PSU Tailgate Experience:

• 2005: B & W, Minnesota, Ohio State, Orange Bowl
• 2006: Central Michigan (i think)

Suggested Purchase Amount: Go for the big container, fatboy. Cram that shit in.

Purchase From:

Claudio Specialty Foods

924-26 South 9th St.

Philadelphia, PA 19147

Toll Free 866-313-FOOD • Tel:(215) 627-1873 • Fax:(215) 627-2320

Notes: Ask the nice Italian lady behind the counter for storage tips. She is a nice woman, but virtuous. Further, most supermarkets now offer good knock-offs of the fresh made stuff. Just rinse it, add a few tablespoons of olive oil, and some dried basil, oregano, and red pepper to get the suitable clone.

Pros:

• Easy to store
• Keeps fresh remarkably well
• Watching Richard (not pictured) lose it when I used to bring them to his apartment for games
• Tastes clean
• Everyone loves mozzarella
• Dick jokes

Cons

• Some jerk will loudly announce his stupidity by alluding to something made by Polly-O. You may correct them in any suitable fashion, which for me would be tossing the obligatory vegetable dish at their heads, because nobody comes to a tailgate for rabbit food. In fact, I recommend you toss it regardless. Hi jinx ensue...
• Jerks who will start popping them in their mouth, and then reach back in the container for more with their bare hands.

Implements:

• Toothpicks. Don't bring many, because the above-mentioned jerk will eventually show up, leading to a bare fingered free-for-all-slobber-fest. Insert genital humor here.
• Napkins. They are covered in olive oil.

Serving Instructions: Buy them, rotate'em every 6 hours if need be. Place them anywhere in the tailgate. Start seeing who can sink one in their friend's mouth from long distance. Again, genital humor.

Conclusions: You really can't mess up with these. Everyone likes them, and it works in all weather conditions.

If you really want to appease the salad folk after throwing their dish at them, just tear up some fresh basil, halve some grape tomatoes and the mozzarella, and add all components to a large bowl. Thoroughly mix, and add some drops of Balsamic Vinaigrette to it. Remember, chicks dig someone who can cook.